How Many Are Still In Love?

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
How Many Are Still In Love?
12
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 4:51pm

I'm curious as to the following:

Who is still with their abusive H/SO and is still in love with them?

Of those who finally found the strength to get out, were you still in love when you left?

I'm still with H and have not been in love with him for sure for about 5 years. I really started falling out of love with him after our first child was born. It has taken me this long to realize the way he has treated me is abusive and not my fault. Meanwhile we have DS and DD which is what has made it so difficult to leave, but, I'm slowly gaining the strength to do just that. If I were still in love with him I don't know if I'd be at the point where I'm finally seeing that the way he acts is unnacceptable. It's hard to admit that.

I really feel for all of you who ARE still in love. I think it makes it 100x harder to find the will to leave.

Just looking for some thoughts on this. Thanks ladies!

Lisa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 6:32pm

I love him. I have this deep caring and concern for him. I want him to be happy. I want him to be healed from his childhood and his cold, unloving parents. I want him to love and enjoy and appreciate our beautiful children. But I don't think I am "in love" . I don't think I have the ability to ever love and trust him again like a wife should. Because we are in this "one step forward, one step back" dance.

I am not an innocent child in love anymore. I spent my youth and my hope on him and I got "broken" in the process.

Can't stay and get away..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 7:14pm
I am still with my H but I don't love him. I feel tremendous amounts of responsibility for his happiness but if he would walk out and never look back, I'd be happy. I am trying to leave and confused as to why I don't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 8:10pm

Excellent way to put it, FlowerGirl. I wish he WOULD walk away...but do so happily. What would it be like to just be good caring friends who used to be in love but grew apart??

That is my fantasy!! that he would come by and tell me that he needed time to find himself, or heal, or that he was in love with someone else. :) I hate for him to be in more pain. Because in spite of all the grief he has caused me, I don't want him to hurt anymore. He "tries" to do better. That comes in spits and spurts. But he is so damaged that I am afraid we will always come back to hurting each other. And I don't want the boys to think that is okay.

Afraid it won't play out that way for me.......... But I may hold out a while longer for a miracle.

V

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 9:36pm
I for one had lost all feeling for XA long before.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 10:39pm
I am definitely not in love with H anymore....dont even know if I care for him AT ALL....As two other women on here said, I just wish He would leave me and never look back..Somtimes he says hes going to leave and wil leave for a day and i feel so relieved, so free and happy but then....he walks back in the door and my life is back to usual...I just know i have to leave and can't understand why I cant just let go for good..
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 10:30am
I'm not "in love" with my husband like a wife is supposed to be. I actually lost that deep love for him a long time ago, But I do have "love" for him. I guess I am just so comfortable with him. I know that if we were friends or roomates or somthing we would be great! That's kinda how I look at it. I care about his well being and the person that he is dispite the bad stuff. I mean all of the times that we had broken up, we had a better relationsihp cause we respected each other more. I guess I am just waiting for him to cheat on me, or find someone new before I just walk out. And the thing is, I'm just waiting for it. I want it to come. He had said a couple of times that he was leaving, he expects me to fight but I don't. I just say whatever you want then do it. But he never does. In the meanwhile I guess I'll just keep surviving....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 11:17am

I was fortunate in that I never did love him. He wanted to push things so hard and never gave it a chance to develop, so any emotions I might have had for him kind of went straight from new-relationship-lust to "meh" to please-go-far-away. In addition, Loony was a bit of a rebound relationship. I later got back together with and married the guy I was rebounding from, LOL, but it didn't help matters at the time. (Loony also liked to rub the rebound thing in my face, since according to him that was why I didn't "love him enough" which justified his behavior. Creative one, Loony.)

This is one of the hardest areas for me to give advice on on this board, because you are absolutely right that it does add another layer of difficulty, and since I never had to deal with that I don't really have much to offer with regards to it. Loving the person really does make it 100x harder.

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Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 12:00pm

I wanted to thank everyone for their responses. I could definitely see myself in my different "stages" through all of your posts. I went from being in love, before we got married, to still loving him and having hope that things would get better, to hating him at times yet still loving him and trying so hard to change myself, "understand" him and to help him, to realizing that I had slowly lost hope, respect, trust and therefore love for him.

I also still care about him as a person but have no illusions of him changing. He has gotten better in some ways but sometimes I think he really just changed his tools for keeping control. And I, while I sit here and "go with the flow" and "try not to rock the boat" am not really living my life. I'm just existing. Not necessarily unhappy and miserable all of the time but also not truly happy. Which for me is the killer. It all comes down to: do I believe that I deserve more than this? Do my children? (of course they do) That's where I find myself now. I also find myself wishing he would cheat (and if he is that I would catch him!) or if he would just say "this isn't working, let's go our separate ways" but yeah, keep on dreaming!

It sure helps to see where others are in this. It's amazingly difficult to figure these relationships out and I'm glad this is a place where we can try to make it through.

Thanks again ladies!
Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 12:10pm
I know exactly how you are feeling when you said "And I, while I sit here and "go with the flow" and "try not to rock the boat" am not really living my life. I'm just existing. Not necessarily unhappy and miserable all of the time but also not truly happy."
That is ME right now. I am just existing doing everything that a wife is supposed to do. LIke playing house, but not having the emotions that are supposed to be there too. And like you I'm not miserable all the time, but I'm not truly happy. Wow! Can't believe you feel that way too! Thank you for sharing!
Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 12:58pm

You're welcome. You feel less crazy when you know other intelligent caring women are in the same situation. Now we need to figure out what to do about it!

I've been reading self-help books like crazy. My newest one is by an author I am loving - she's a therapist who actually found herself in an abusive marriage. The title of this book is "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them". The way she sets up her books is the first half describes the problems, the abuse, the tools the abusers use and she uses real-life examples from her practice and the second half gives US tools to deal with the abusers, whether we choose to stay or leave. I just started it but so far it is just great. I bought it on Amazon and read it at work. If you're interested in it but don't want to buy it, I'm sure your local library would also have a copy. I'm trying to start being pro-active!

Hugs,
Lisa

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