It got physical :(
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 06-17-2006 - 4:56pm |
My H is getting worse, and I feel so trapped!!
I don't even know where to start....I always just kind of thought that H was a bit of a jerk, but I'm starting to see his TRUE colors. Our fights seem to get progressively worse, and last night he grabbed the back of my neck so hard I saw stars and am in pain today too.
A little background...we have a 1 year old dd, and he really has dumped ALL the responisbility on me. He has been going out when he wants, goes on trips when he wants, not taking any parental role other than occasionally playing with her when he wants, and pretty much just lives a seperate life from us. He is really against me going back to work, but doesnt support me either. I'm just fed up!!! The last couple fights we have gotten into over the course of a few months have gotten worse and worse. He started really demeaning me, and trying to make me feel like I am a COMPLETE failure. I worked so hard in school, have my degree (with a very high GPA might I add).....and he tells me I'm a LOSER, that I will never amount to a hill of crap without him, etc., etc.. I'm useless, a bitch, don't know how to communicate with people, that my schooling is meaningless, that I'm a worthless person........the list goes on and on! He acuses me of cheating on him even though I have been with our baby EVERYDAY ALL day since the day she was born, yet he is the one who is ALWAYS out, and on the computer late at night, and very secretive. He says mean things about my family (who I love very much and have the closest relationship with), and about my friends (they are all hos, etc.). I am NOT myself anymore. I tiptoe around him, am scared to talk to him, and am scared to express ANY opinions I have about anything because he cuts me down so bad, and I can't even bring up anything I'm not happy with about him, or our relationship because he goes into a rage now.
The last 2 fights before last night he threatened to hit me.
Last night I got mad because he snuck off to a friend house at 10 at night when he is already leaving for 4 days on Sunday (tomorrow). I'm in the house by myself ALL the time. Anyways, I phoned him and told him that he needed to come back home because for a change I was going to go out. He came home about 20 minutes later and LOST it on me. I told him to *f* off and to not talk to me, and he came up to me and squeazed the back of my neck so hard that I actually saw stars and he grabbed my arm too, and told me not to disprespect him in his house. I collapsed to the ground, and then got up and threatened to call the cops. He started screaming more and woke up the baby, and then continued to scream at me in front of the baby (telling me how useless I am, etc.). He talks to me like I'm a kid (actually I would NEVER talk to a kid the way he talks to me either). He now lectures me while we are fighting in this tone......"Don't you disrespect me". He also accused me of cheating on him again last night which makes me wonder what he is REALLY doing.
I need to get out. I'm just terrified that he will try to get custody of our DD!!!! I don't really have anything to turn to, and I'm just scared all around, and just don't know what to do?!?! I don't want this for my DD, and I don't want her to have to go through any of this. I'm sooooo upset, and just can't stop crying. I just feel like any way I look at it that my DD won't get the happy life she deserves. :(

The fact that he put his hands on you is what troubles me. If he has begun with the grabbing of the neck than it can only get worse as time goes on. He is controling you down to the point that you don't even have a job. You need to put your foot down (keep the phone near you) and if he curses you out. Tell him what a lying sack of crap he is and that he is S%$t, lower than s&*t!!! For him to do this to the mother of his child is proof what S*&t he is!!!
I get into it with my BF and when he cuts me down verbally i cut him down and he shuts down after i let him have it! He really can't take the heat, so he gets out of the kitchen!!! I have no problem picking up the phone and dialing 911 and getting the bastard out of the house!!!
Right now I am going through the motions until low-income housing calls for me and my baby! When that call comes, SEE YA!!!
As for you, are you ready to take that leap and get out? He sounds so bad for you and your little girl! Do it for her and do it for your sanity!
If he's getting physical, it is time to start thinking in terms of getting out. Is there any way you can get medical attention, or at least take pictures of the bruises? It's highly unlikely that he would get custody anyways, but if you can document the abuse, it will help you both with that and in terms of pressing assault charges (yes, this is assault!) if you want to do that.
The best place to start is by contacting your local DV shelter. It should be in the Yellow Pages, but if it isn't, try our website, accessible through the top of the Start page. There are hotlines listed there. (Heck, check out the website anyways!) You can also use a Personalized Safety Plan to plan your escape, accessible here:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25758.1&ctx=512
Best of luck, and do keep us posted.
You are in an abusive relationship. It may have only gotten physical once, but regardless, even before last night you were in an abusive relationship. Emotional abuse is abuse just the same and can be just as difficult if not more difficult to come back from. Your dd needs to know this is not right and that she cannot allow people to treat her that way and the only way she will learn that is if you don't allow someone to treat you that way. She is watching everything. She is trying to determine who she is and what her place is in this world and she needs to learn that from you. If you can't get out for you, do it for her. You don't want her growing up thinking this is the way relationships work. You said in your post that you are close to your family. Pick up the phone and call them. It may be hard to tell them what you're going through, you may be embarrassed and ashamed (you have no reason to be, this is NOT your fault) but do it any way. Call them, tell them you need help and let them help you in any way they can. I was in a similar situation, no children at the time luckily, and making that call to my Dad was one of the hardest things to do. I couldn't believe I'd allowed it to go that far, to the point where I had to call my Dad and say "I'm scared" but he came through for me and I got out. Now I'm happily married with two beautiful daughters growing up in a family that loves and supports each other. This is the life I wanted for my children and I'm sure it's the life you want for your dd. Give it to her. She deserves it and so do you. You can do it. Heck, you have to do it! It will get worse if you stay. If you continue to put up with it, it will get worse. Teach him once and for all you won't take it and he can't treat you and/or your dd this way. For him to disrespect you like this, he is disrespecting her too so if you can't do it for you, do it for her. People can do just about anything they want to me, but disrespect, hurt, or scare my kids and God help you! Tap in to the protective nature you have for your daughter and use that.
Best of luck. You are in my prayers. I know how hard it can be, I don't mean to make it sound easy. I know easier said than done, but you can do it! Hang tough!