It got physical :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
It got physical :(
4
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 4:56pm

My H is getting worse, and I feel so trapped!!

I don't even know where to start....I always just kind of thought that H was a bit of a jerk, but I'm starting to see his TRUE colors. Our fights seem to get progressively worse, and last night he grabbed the back of my neck so hard I saw stars and am in pain today too.

A little background...we have a 1 year old dd, and he really has dumped ALL the responisbility on me. He has been going out when he wants, goes on trips when he wants, not taking any parental role other than occasionally playing with her when he wants, and pretty much just lives a seperate life from us. He is really against me going back to work, but doesnt support me either. I'm just fed up!!! The last couple fights we have gotten into over the course of a few months have gotten worse and worse. He started really demeaning me, and trying to make me feel like I am a COMPLETE failure. I worked so hard in school, have my degree (with a very high GPA might I add).....and he tells me I'm a LOSER, that I will never amount to a hill of crap without him, etc., etc.. I'm useless, a bitch, don't know how to communicate with people, that my schooling is meaningless, that I'm a worthless person........the list goes on and on! He acuses me of cheating on him even though I have been with our baby EVERYDAY ALL day since the day she was born, yet he is the one who is ALWAYS out, and on the computer late at night, and very secretive. He says mean things about my family (who I love very much and have the closest relationship with), and about my friends (they are all hos, etc.). I am NOT myself anymore. I tiptoe around him, am scared to talk to him, and am scared to express ANY opinions I have about anything because he cuts me down so bad, and I can't even bring up anything I'm not happy with about him, or our relationship because he goes into a rage now.

The last 2 fights before last night he threatened to hit me.

Last night I got mad because he snuck off to a friend house at 10 at night when he is already leaving for 4 days on Sunday (tomorrow). I'm in the house by myself ALL the time. Anyways, I phoned him and told him that he needed to come back home because for a change I was going to go out. He came home about 20 minutes later and LOST it on me. I told him to *f* off and to not talk to me, and he came up to me and squeazed the back of my neck so hard that I actually saw stars and he grabbed my arm too, and told me not to disprespect him in his house. I collapsed to the ground, and then got up and threatened to call the cops. He started screaming more and woke up the baby, and then continued to scream at me in front of the baby (telling me how useless I am, etc.). He talks to me like I'm a kid (actually I would NEVER talk to a kid the way he talks to me either). He now lectures me while we are fighting in this tone......"Don't you disrespect me". He also accused me of cheating on him again last night which makes me wonder what he is REALLY doing.

I need to get out. I'm just terrified that he will try to get custody of our DD!!!! I don't really have anything to turn to, and I'm just scared all around, and just don't know what to do?!?! I don't want this for my DD, and I don't want her to have to go through any of this. I'm sooooo upset, and just can't stop crying. I just feel like any way I look at it that my DD won't get the happy life she deserves. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 8:10pm
I am so sorry you are going through this and it definately sounds like he is cheating on you. Cheaters always accuse of cheating! Aside from the cheating the verbal, emotional abuse are the invisible scars that cut deeply and almost never heal. Those are the kind of wounds that take people years and years of therapy to get rid of.
The fact that he put his hands on you is what troubles me. If he has begun with the grabbing of the neck than it can only get worse as time goes on. He is controling you down to the point that you don't even have a job. You need to put your foot down (keep the phone near you) and if he curses you out. Tell him what a lying sack of crap he is and that he is S%$t, lower than s&*t!!! For him to do this to the mother of his child is proof what S*&t he is!!!
I get into it with my BF and when he cuts me down verbally i cut him down and he shuts down after i let him have it! He really can't take the heat, so he gets out of the kitchen!!! I have no problem picking up the phone and dialing 911 and getting the bastard out of the house!!!
Right now I am going through the motions until low-income housing calls for me and my baby! When that call comes, SEE YA!!!
As for you, are you ready to take that leap and get out? He sounds so bad for you and your little girl! Do it for her and do it for your sanity!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 11:58pm

If he's getting physical, it is time to start thinking in terms of getting out. Is there any way you can get medical attention, or at least take pictures of the bruises? It's highly unlikely that he would get custody anyways, but if you can document the abuse, it will help you both with that and in terms of pressing assault charges (yes, this is assault!) if you want to do that.

The best place to start is by contacting your local DV shelter. It should be in the Yellow Pages, but if it isn't, try our website, accessible through the top of the Start page. There are hotlines listed there. (Heck, check out the website anyways!) You can also use a Personalized Safety Plan to plan your escape, accessible here:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25758.1&ctx=512

Best of luck, and do keep us posted.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 11:53pm
kiddo...your daughter will not have the life you envisioned and hoped for, but you can give her a much happier life in an abuse free home than she will be able to have with him in her daily environment. It can be much better for both of you than you might be able to imagine. There really is no worse life than living in abuse. His violence is going to get a lot worse and it appears that he's escalating fast. He wants his way and he is willing to hurt you to get it. He is highly entitled and believes that you're in the wrong for not submitting to him and for challenging him on his bad behavior. If you can read the book "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft, I highly recommend it. It will help you understand the kind of man you're dealing with, it was basically written about your husband. You will see him all the way through it. There are also many things you can do to get yourself in a stronger position. One of the most important is planning for your safety. You can look on this boards homepage and find a lot of information on this. You could also call your local domestic violence shelter and request that an advocate help you develop a safety plan. Nearly all of the shelter services should be free. They will give you information on your legal rights, the laws, and the court system. You can also find the legal information at http://www.womenslaw.org. They can also tell you about other services they offer. An emergency shelter can be a good stepping stone to a better life. Where I live, the shelter personnel help women set immediate and future goals and gives you time to find work, daycare, or anything else you might need time to get set up. It sounds like you might end up in the position of having to call 911 and having him arrested. His violence is going to escalate because he is hell bent on you being submissive to him and not challenging anything he does. If you do, you will probably need to at least consider shelter, he is not going to believe he deserved it, will blame you; he will be angry. That's a huge "defiant act" and he will definitely see it as disrespect. Men like him, they know it's crime to use violence, but they don't think it should be. You could also start collecting evidence of the abuse. If you don't already, and can do so safely, keep a journal documenting everything abusive, violent, mentally cruel, and neglectful he does. I really do believe that he is going to get worse fast and hope that you will look into yours and your daughters personal safety as soon as possible. If you can, get important documents out of the house or make copies and any precious belongings, including baby pictures, etc.. Medical records, Social Security cards, school records, passports, jewelry, I.D.'s, birth certificates, deeds, bank books, checkbooks, insurance papers, extra house and car keys, medications, your address books, any money that you can (hopefully though you don't have to have any money to go to an emergency shelter), maybe anything you can sell, and maybe some small toys of your daughters. Please research and learn as much as you can about domestic violence and how you can protect yourself. It will be a lot of hard work to get out of this, but it is so worth it. My best to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 8:46pm

You are in an abusive relationship. It may have only gotten physical once, but regardless, even before last night you were in an abusive relationship. Emotional abuse is abuse just the same and can be just as difficult if not more difficult to come back from. Your dd needs to know this is not right and that she cannot allow people to treat her that way and the only way she will learn that is if you don't allow someone to treat you that way. She is watching everything. She is trying to determine who she is and what her place is in this world and she needs to learn that from you. If you can't get out for you, do it for her. You don't want her growing up thinking this is the way relationships work. You said in your post that you are close to your family. Pick up the phone and call them. It may be hard to tell them what you're going through, you may be embarrassed and ashamed (you have no reason to be, this is NOT your fault) but do it any way. Call them, tell them you need help and let them help you in any way they can. I was in a similar situation, no children at the time luckily, and making that call to my Dad was one of the hardest things to do. I couldn't believe I'd allowed it to go that far, to the point where I had to call my Dad and say "I'm scared" but he came through for me and I got out. Now I'm happily married with two beautiful daughters growing up in a family that loves and supports each other. This is the life I wanted for my children and I'm sure it's the life you want for your dd. Give it to her. She deserves it and so do you. You can do it. Heck, you have to do it! It will get worse if you stay. If you continue to put up with it, it will get worse. Teach him once and for all you won't take it and he can't treat you and/or your dd this way. For him to disrespect you like this, he is disrespecting her too so if you can't do it for you, do it for her. People can do just about anything they want to me, but disrespect, hurt, or scare my kids and God help you! Tap in to the protective nature you have for your daughter and use that.

Best of luck. You are in my prayers. I know how hard it can be, I don't mean to make it sound easy. I know easier said than done, but you can do it! Hang tough!