Abusive and a Cheater?
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 06-19-2006 - 12:12pm |
Ok, sorry for all the questions guys. But I feel so confused. I've been in a relatively "good" cycle with H since mid-April. However, he still is going out 2 - 3 times a week, until late, usually after midnight. Yesterday (on Father's Day no less) I came downstairs with my kids and he wasn't home yet - at 6:45 a.m.! I called his cell and it was off (or out of service) which is odd because he never turns it off, not even at home. He called back while we were on our way to church so kids said happy father's day over the phone. So not the way it should be! Ugh, anyway, is this really a "good" cycle or him being all nice because he's happily got someone else giving him her undying love and devotion like I was stupid enough to do way back at the beginning while he was still married to wife No. 1 and telling me he was divorced? (When I found out back then that he was still married I wondered how in the world his wife couldn't figure it out, since he was out with me 2 - 3 nights, sometimes spending the night, sometimes not.)
The thing is, it could be him just abusing alcohol as he's done since the beginning. He doesn't ever drink at home, it's always when he's out and he can never seem to have just a couple. His excuse Sunday morning was that he had heard from friends that there was a sobriety checkpoint set up, so he crashed at a guys house.
I'm just wondering, does having an abusive personality, where one feels entitled to just about anything - usually lead to cheating? Believe me, I used to get very angry at him about his late nights but nothing ever changed. So, I gave up and became indifferent.
I'm sure you all realize by now this cheating question is a common theme of mine. Jeez, I just wish I could work up the courage to leave based on all the other issues. Lies and mistrust, controlling behavior should all be enough.
My brain hurts. Thanks for listening everyone!!
Lisa

Pages
Lisa,
If he is out all night, he probably IS cheating. This is especially true concerning his history. So I have a question for you........
If you find out he is cheating with another woman will that be the nail in the coffin? Will finding out he IS cheating be the thing that finally makes you leave?
Just wondering. Because I always think I would be more likely to leave over another woman than over the control/manipulation/verbal abuse. But then, I have no idea what I would really do.
What happens when you ask where he has been all night??
I am so sorry you are going through this! Wish there was something I could do to "fix" all the hurting.
{{{HUG}}}
V.
V,
Thanks for responding. I was kicking myself for sending this - I feel like I sound like such a broken record here, always wondering about the cheating.
Yes, him cheating would finalize it for me. Instantly. Honestly, I feel like if I caught him cheating there'd be no way he could turn it around on me and make me the bad guy. He'd try but NO WAY would I accept it. I feel adultery is a more "accepted" reason for leaving a marriage, you know? Logically, I know that all of us on this board have valid reasons for leaving our marriages. With an affair, I feel like I could say to him "that's it, you're done, this is not fixable".
Also, from a pride standpoint, I don't want to be the idiot wife sitting around at home while her husband is screwing around. One of those "last person to know" scenarios. I'm no longer in love with him, so an affair wouldn't hurt me in that way. I'd just be aggravated with myself for not catching him sooner.
As far as him being out all night, I didn't really talk to him about it yesterday. But he'll have a story prepared when I start asking the questions tonight. There's always a reason but it's usually the "had too much to drink" excuse. Once he even told me a cop pulled him over one night but let him go. OMG, does he really think I think that could ever happen??? About last night, I'll let you know what he says tomorrow.
Thanks again for reading and posting.
Lisa
If you suspect he's cheating, he probably is. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. That's just his personality.
Hello
I wish I was as strong as you are. My H did cheat and he still managed to turn it around on me. But not only that, I still didn't leave. And now he's "oh, so sorry" all the time which just makes me crazy.
Well, I'm stronger than I was but still not strong enough to leave yet. What kills me is that I didn't leave 9 years ago when I found out I was dating a married man!! So, don't beat yourself up about not leaving. They are masters at turning everything around. H was "oh so sorry" about his betrayal that I had no chance to be really mad (although I was, that and every other emotion you could imagine) because he was acting so pathetic that I ended up feeling sorry for HIM! If I only knew then what I know now.
How long ago was your H's affair? The whole sorry act gets so old, it really does. I'm sorry you're in this position. Just adds insult to injury, IMO.
Hugs,
Lisa
If one of my girlfriends was telling me what I've posted, I'd say the same thing you just did. I just wish I had concrete evidence. I'm afraid to trust my gut, and I shouldn't be, because it's always been right.
Thanks for your response.
Lisa
It was two years ago. And to be honest, I think the only reason that he is "sorry" is because he doesn't get any physical attention anymore. If you know where I"m going with that one.
I just feel angry because I always told myself that he only hits me once in a while, that's alright, the emotional abuse is alright because he doesn't mean it. And that was my one "get out of the marriage free" card and I didn't use it.
I'm angry too but now I feel like I need another reason to leave. And he's been so "nice" lately, its annoying.
I'm so sorry about your betrayal, and the physical and emotional abuse. I'm still trying to figure out how we will just take more and more and then still more inappropriate and disrespectful behavior. I guess because there are still good times in between the bad and we just can't stand to think that someone could actually be treating us this way intentionally, there has to be an explanation and there has to still be hope. I think we will all come to the point when we just won't stand around to take anymore. I know that for myself, my planning is all for me and my children. My thoughts are not focused on a future with H but of one without him.
For me, that time came in September/October of last year when, for probably a combination of reasons, I realized that 1) H is never going to change; 2) it's up to ME to do something about it; and 3) life is to short and God did not put me on this earth to put up with being treated this way.
I want to look back on my life and be proud of myself, my decisions, my accomplishments. I feel like, aside from my 2 beautiful children, I have lost 10 years of my life. I don't want to lose 10 more.
Keep posting, keep trying to get stronger. You deserve so much more than what you are getting. Physical and emotional abuse is never ok and you did not to ANYTHING to deserve it. It's all on him. He needs to own it. You have another "get out of jail free card" in you. We all do. We just have to find it.
Hugs,
Lisa
Thank you so much for your kind words aned wonderful support. I love this board and every person on here. I have found that writing and having such positive responses is giving me strength. I just don't feel so alone anymore.
Lisa,
If the abuse doesn't get you to leave him, what will? For any women to say he's on a good cycle just because they are not being abused is heartbreaking to hear.
Once an abuser always an abuser, once a cheater always a cheater. Cheating on one's mate is simply another form of asserting control over them. It's an I can do whatever I want attitude. So the ? remains, what are you going to do about it? He is now victimizing you on ALL fronts.
P.S. The behavior you alluded to in regards to staying out all night is not only an indication of cheating but also of substance abuse.
PLEASE do your son a favor and teach him that this behavior is NOT acceptable from men! You may tell him its wrong but if you accept it from his father you are only giving mixed messages, the strongest of which is that it IS okay.
I am so scared for you becuase it appears that if you confront him in regards to his cheating he will probably react all over you!
Good luck and stay in touch...
From a Survivor.
Pages