20 years too many.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
20 years too many.....
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 5:51pm

Thank God I am still alive today to be able to read and share my thoughts with women on this board. I am a survivor of some of the worst abuse in all forms and I fill up with rage each time I read stories from those of you still living with their abuser. Rage that I couldn't find the strength to leave sooner and help myself. FEAR

I was married to what I believed to be the love of my life and was happy for the first few years. Soon after he was left unemployed due to company cut-backs, his idea to pay the bills was to deal drugs. With drugs came violent behaviors and intense abuse of the emotional, mental, physical nature and terror in my heart. I was assaulted for no other reason than I was there. I was a young mother of twin boys and had a six-year-old daughter from my first marriage. I had no family close by and no friends. He was my life......at least I was brain-washed to believe that. ISOLATION

I kept making excuses for his behavior and had myself believing I could make it all right again.....I was the eternal optimist!!!I wanted to make this marriage work. I never felt the abuse was my fault but I excused it because of his family issues or his bi-polar disorder or unemployment issues........EXCUSES

I wasn't able to work and pay child care and that left me with few alternatives but to be home and care for my children. I was a good wife and mom but you wouldn't know it by how he belittled me about everything(like he was Mr. Perfect....) LOW SELF-ESTEEM

If anyone had told me 20 years ago that I would have lived this way I would have laughed and said 'No Way!' But it took years to tear away at my self-worth and heart. And after awhile, it becomes a way of life and you become numb to what is really going on. You forget what it is like to be happy everyday, all day. Stress is normal, the fighting is expected, you lose your perspective on everything. Each day is run on auto-pilot, keeping the irritations that cause issues to a minimum even if it means losing yourself and walking on egg-shells.......LOSS OF SELF-RESPECT

My father passed away last February and I had to borrow money from my boss to afford to go to the funeral half-way across the US. While there I was with my sisters and brothers and found what I missed in my life, a real loving and caring home with those people around you that love you no matter what. I sat on the bed crying in my sisters arms the day I was to leave because I did not want to go home. I knew then what I needed to do.

Within 2 weeks of arriving back home, I gave notice at my job and started making plans to'go home' where I spent 18 years of my childhood. My two sisters were there along with my 1st husbands family. I started chatting on line with some old friends and ex-relatives and told them what I was planning. The out-pouring of love and compassion was unbelievable and an old boyfriend from long ago, God bless him, sent me enough money to get my car road ready and out of there.......and I left 6 weeks later. I took my twin boys, now 20 and my 13-year-old daughter and left there for good, leaving almost everything I owned behind. My husband stood in the road watching and 'crying' and I don't think he thought I was serious. I was da*# serious........

He will never hurt me again. He has shot at me, threatened all of us with his guns, strangled me, beat the living daylights out of me, called me every name in the book, terrorized all my friends into leaving me alone, made working a job hard ( but I had the best bosses in the world ) and isolated me from my family because of the guilt I had over being treated that way. When I prepared to leave, I notified the local police department and my favorite officer hugged me and told me they would line the city streets with patrol cars if needed.......they hated him, he was always slick and got out of almost every charge leveled against him......but he can't get me anymore. And I am free.....

Now its just a matter of the divorce and custody, more 'YUK'as my good friend calls it. But I have the support of MY friends now. He is history......

To all that are going through tough times......you have the power, you are worth it, do it for YOU and your children. It will not be easy, but it is wonderful to be ME again!!!