Controlling-is this abuse?
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| Thu, 06-22-2006 - 10:43am |
I dont know if Im out of my mind or if Im in an abusive relationship. I just know that nothing feels right.
I am married now for almost 2 years. We got married bc I was pregnant, and he felt that he never had a choice in the matter, a fact that he brings up regularly. He also brings up the fact that he never wanted kids at this time in his life, and that we should have talked about abortion. He never brought up those words, and I was so excited at being pregnant (I had gone though IVF in a previous marriage) that I misinterpreted his not wanting to go to birth classes, not wanting to fix up the house for the baby as him just needing time to adjust to things.
Life with him everyday is hard. I take care of my DS, he does little to nothing. I work part time(he is a student),pay the bills, make dinner/lunch for my DS in daycare/wake up early in the am to make DH coffee, go to the baby at night when he wakes up. He complains that I spend most my time with the baby. I try harder (give him more backrubs, try to ask him all the time of he wants somethign to eat, listen to him talk for hours) If the baby is vying for my attention, he gets mad at me and tells me I coddle him too much that I have to tell the baby no. He says Im not firm in telling the baby "no", that I am not consistent, and that I am "scattered" in the way I think and that the babys brain is going to be messed up bc of the way I disipline him. When the baby is doing something wrong (touching his stuff, instead of displining him himself, he yells at me and says why arent I watching him).
When I bring this up he says I dont know how to take critism, and that most wives would be happy to learn something from thier husbands,and not "question" or "talk back" to them.
Maybe I dont know how to take critism? Why does it hurt my feelings the way he says it though? He says he cannot "modulate" his voice for me. Its the way he talks.
The other thing that somewhat bothers me is that he hurts me during sex. Not hitting, but he likes to be rough, aggressive. That is what turns him on. I like it sometimes, but I want to be loved and cuddled, too.
I dont know why Im afarid to leave. Maybe bc I have been though divorce once befoer and I feel like a failure in realtionships. I also know how painful divorce is. Maybe I want my DS to have a father, and Im afarid I wont meet another man or I will find someone, just to lose him again. I dont know, I just need to fix whats broken now.
Thanks for listening, Brynne

I'm pretty much in the same situation you are! My DH has actually started putting me down worse though now when we fight (ripping my whole life apart).....but his average attitude towards me sounds like your DH's. I also do everything with raising oue DD, and DH does pretty much nothing, and lately he goes out quite a bit on top of it.
I really do want to leave, and I'm not so much scared that I wouldnt find someone else, but I'm scared about the possibilities of custody arrangements. I'm also a bit worried about what my DD would potentially have to go through. For instance, I'm worried if she got older and he started putting her down like he does to me, and I wasn't there to protect her. But I want to get out at the same time....I don't really know what to do?? I feel a bit stuck right now.
This is going to be blunt: If I had to guess, I'd say your husband feels justified in treating you poorly because he blames you for his situation. He blames you for getting pregnant. He blames you for having to marry you. Everytime your son cries, it's a reminder of the "mess" he's in. If he hurts you during sex, it means he does not care about your pleasure.
You say you want to stay so your son has a father? HELLO? Your man is a terrible father figure and if your son grows up to see the way he treats you, he will think it's ok to treat women that way. So, IMHO, you'd be doing your son a favor if you got him out of the situation. I highly doubt your husband would fight for custody of your son. He'd probably be relieved and glad, except he'd be pissed at having to pay child support.
You have to think about you and your son. Do you honestly believe you'd be happier with a man who does not respect you, love you or care about you... than on your own with your son? Maybe.. just maybe if you had no job and he was your only means of support to raise your son, then maybe I'd say stick it out a bit longer. But NO, he doesn't pay the bills. He doesn't cook. He doesn't clean. He doesn't help you with the baby. You don't depend on him for anything. So what EXACTLY does he do for you except cause hurt and pain?
I always tell people that if they have to ask if they are being abused, they probably are. Abuse does not necessarily involve beating someone to a pulp.
You mention wanting your son to have a father. The thing is, abuse is a learned behavior, and if your son grows up seeing your H mistreat you, he will learn that that is how women are treated. Is that something you want for him?
A good place for you to begin would be by checking out our website, accessible through the top of our Start page. You can learn there about the nature of abuse, and where to go from here.
You've received great advice, hon, and if we seem blunt sometimes, it's no disrespect for you.
Thanks everyone....
its really hard to hear some of the things you say, words like rape are too strong. Alot of what you say though does make sense.
It seems like such a common problem for women to just keep on going back again, trying again and again. Maybe it is because of low self-esteem. (Ive heard that before)
I'll let you know how it goes.
B