so down, lost, I need help..
Find a Conversation
so down, lost, I need help..
| Fri, 06-23-2006 - 9:54am |
I think I have a serious problem and I have know idea why I do this to myself. It is like I am addicted to the drama or the treatment that I get from man. I tolerate men treating me like crap and even after they hurt my psyhically or mentally I justify it and treat it less severe than it really was. Like I make myself believe that it is no big deal and normal behavior. I keep asking myself is it me? Am I driving these men who have been in my life to treat me with disrespect and to hurt me. I just dont know. I am so confused and out there anymore and I think I am the worse than I have ever been in my life. My first absusive ex was more verbally abusive than anything. Threatening yo kill me, to kill hiself, calling me names, hitting things, cheating, breaking things, screaming at me, scaring me, list goes on. I was in this relationship for 7 years and had a child by him. Two years ago I decided I had enough and got out. He left not willingly at first but after a week was shacked up with a girl he cheated on me with and is still with her til today. He told me yesterday that his new girlfriend has never gotten him to the breaking point that I did. That I basically caused what had happened because they have a mutual understanding about things and she doesnt cross that. Me on the otherhand didnt listen and gave a fight because I did not want to give up my control of my life. So I guess he feels I deserve what had happened. I left that relationship numb confused upset a real wreck. I picked myself up though and moved on. Then about a year and a some monthes ago I met someone else and started a relationship with. This one seemed nice I guess at first. I wasnt really into him at first but after a while started to really care about him. I have no idea why though. After a short time he treated me like crap and has continued this way up too today. He would never take me in public first told me that he was not ready for that. The only time I saw him was at my house because he did not allow me at his at first. I never thought of myself to be ugly actually I was always told I was pretty by people even my ex who previously treated me so badly. My ex told me that I was pretty but I had no personality and no one would stay with me because of that. I started to think my current bf thought I was ugly, that he was embarrassed of me or something. On my birthday he told me I didnt deserve anything and even had the nerve to slap me in the face. No card no nothing. At this point I had absolutely no self esteem. He had already choked me, slapped me, grabbed me, screamed at me, would ignore me for days, basically treated me like crap. I like an idiot stayed. This year he finally decided to start going places with me but only when he wanted to and it was normally to dinner at a restaurant he liked. He would go out all the time never take me and when we spent time together it had to be at my house and if I feel asleep before 1 or 2 in the morning he would scream and want to go home because he would not want to watch me sleep he said. During the day he would sleep all day and I had to watch him sleep because if I left the house or room if I took to long he broke up with me or yelled and screamed. He has grabbed me so hard he ripped my nail off my finger, chocked me so hard that I lost my breath, broke my windsheild, hit mer in my head, threw me around, hit me with a door so hard I flew off the porch and had bruises on my back leg and butt, bruised my lip, list goes on. He tells me ever other day he doesnt want me, I am crazy, no one will ever want me, etc. Then he talks to me and makes me feel like I did everything wrong to him but when I bring up him he yells that I always bring things up. After his rejection and unloving I still come back why? I think I feel so low about myself that I think I deserve this and it is normal to treat me like this. I kept thinking that he will come around and show me some ounce of affection or attention tell me he loves me does something nice for me to show me he loves me. But it never happens. I am such an idoit. I think I serious have something wrong with me. I mean who willingly goes back to a very abusive realtionship all the time. I am allowing someone to really hurt me. I have the courage to say I dont want this and deserve better but I either call him after time or he calls me. There never is a time were he is nice or things are normally. No honeymoon period as I read on this board. He either ignores me or I get the name calling blaming yelling or bringing up thing that I have done that he feels is wrong and throwing it in my face. Then I get sucked right back in and then I end up right at the bottom again. I just dont know what to do. I need help I know I do. I tried counciling and friends but they just tell me I am stupid which I am for dealing with this...Thanks for listening..

Crk, it's very common for a person who's been abused to end up in another abusive relationship.