Can Abusers Turn It Off at Will????
Find a Conversation
Can Abusers Turn It Off at Will????
| Fri, 06-23-2006 - 11:01am |
Hello I have not posted here before so I will give you a little history on my situation. I grew up in an abusive and violent household. My first marriage was emotionally and physically abusive. I am now in an eight year relationship and I think I may be in another abusive situation. My partner has not been physically abusive but he does demonstrate other verbal and emotionally abusive behaviour. When he is angry he yells, swears, calls me names, threatens to leave, kicks me out, tells me this is the worst relationship he has been in, tells me that he is embarrassed of me in social settings, I'm boring, disrespects my family, dismisses my ideas, calls and expects me to drop everything to assist him, etc. Also, our sex life is non-existant. When I ask if there is something wrong he gets defensive and angry. He told me that making love to me is too much work? Every issue no matter how small is treated like it is a relationship buster. He has two children from a previous marriage and I must comply to every schedule change and never voice a different opinion or I get the silent treatment which can last for days. He tells me it is his goal to foster the relationship with the mother of his children. I understand the importance of a co-parenting plan but it appears that I do not get equal billing or a shared commitment to foster our relationship. His ex has also physically threatened and verbally attacked me. He told me to grow up and if I had an issue to address it with her and leave him out of it. He never apologizes for any of his behaviours yet I find myself apologizing for anything and everything. I apologize for being who I am just to make things right again. Three months ago it was very stressful....no matter what I did he would take issue with it. He would get up in the morning and tell me not to talk to him and to leave him alone. This went on for weeks and I was turmoil. I run my own business and commute two hours a day for my latest contract. At work I am articulate, intelligent, witty, and fun. I actually laugh out loud and feel comfortable being me. My co-workers, friends and family enjoy my company and being around me. When in the company of my SO I feel off....question myself, feel insecure, and unsure. Mostly, I do not want to rock the boat so fade into the background. Now this is my question....a month ago I sent him a card and asked if we could be friends...as simple as that. Since that time SO has been a totally different person. He is friendly, complimentary, non-confrontational, and appears to value our relationship. However, he has never apologized or taken ownership for any mistreatment toward me....he tells me at the time I deserved it and I made him angry. I am trying to accept this new person but I can't get past what has been done and said in the past. I feel resentful that I apologized repeatedly for everything and he has not even acknowledged the pain he has inflicted on me. Can an abuser just turn it on and off at will? If so, was he purposely abusing me? Will it last or am I just fooling myself? It is strange, at least when he was being nasty I knew the pattern and where I stood now I am struggling with him being nice to me (looking for a motive or reason why). Part of me feels that I will never be able to trust my heart with him ever again. He has slammed it so many times that I will be forever on guard and never the person I truly am. Has anyone experienced this before? Thank you for listening. Sassy

Well, yes, they do turn it off- when they want something. That's not the same as changing. The fact that he's never apologized or owned his actions tells me that he probably wants to use you to achieve some type of end. Check out this post for ideas on how to tell if an abuser is changing:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25539.1&ctx=512
Moreover, even if he is (which it doesn't sound like), no one is obligated to stay in a relationship. If you're not comfortable with him, you have every right to leave. As a friend of mine once said, relationships are not like the Marines- you don't get honorable discharge papers and college money for "sticking it out". Keep that in mind.
Welcome to the board, Sassy (love your nic).