emotional blackmail or me being selfish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
emotional blackmail or me being selfish?
2
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 4:49am

Hi friends from over the pond.
I have been away from him now ( so to speak ) for 4 weeks.
My cats are still at the old house and he is taking good care of them , only cause he thinks im coming back,,,,,,,lol,,,,
they are there because at the new house im having a new kitchen put in by the council as mine has had it, and i didnt want the disruption for the cats as they will be freaked out enough as it is moving again.

You wouldnt beleive how much better im feeling.
Before i wasnt bothered how i looked and i wore the same clothes everyday as i didnt care.
Now im waering jeans and sexy t shirts and i feel alive!!!.
I know ive still got a long way to go , probably a year or two to get whats happened out of my system, but i think im on the right track.

All my freinds and people whove known me for years have said i look 100% better and ive got more colour in my face, god i must have looked bad before.......lol...

Anyway my point is this ----

Before i left again , a holiday was booked as he does every year , going to where HE wants to go and not me and Amy ( 15 ).
He wont accept that we are not coming at all.
Well , Amy was thinking about going but the way he reacting to certain things she changed her mind.
Im the last 2 weeks , both my mum and my dad have been in the high dependancy unit in the local hospital.
My dad has his hip replaces and the operation went wrong and hes had to go back in and he in bad shape really.
My mum , well when my dad came home he lost his balance and fell backwards onto my mum and shes hurt her back badly.
So they are both in a bad way.
Now , between you and me , i dont want to go on holiday with him , god 2 hours with him and id want to kill !!!.
Hes not listening to any excuses i give him , i have told him the situation with my mum and dad , and he thinks i should leave them and get someone else to look after them.
The doctors have told me that when they both come home they are going to need care for a couple of weeks. Bearing in mind im the only child here , , its up to me to look after them......isnt it????
My stupid ex wants me to arrange some sort of help for them so i can go away with him.
Now , lets get to the point,,,,,,is it my being totally and utterley selfish to want to look after my mum and dad who NEED ME?.
Or is it a case of , " oh no , hows it going to look again , me going away on my own , i dont want people to know whats going on ".......
Would value your opinions very much.

OH AND SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.

I said to him , you have a real knack of making me feel guilty, do you know that , ..........he looked me in the eye and said " YEAH , how else do you expect me to be ".....
Thanks.x
Tracey x x x

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 7:20am

Hi Tracey

No you are not being selfish, their your parents and ofcourse you want to look after them - wouldn't you want your daugther to look after you when you get old and need her or would you want a stranger. He is the one being the selfish, worried only about how it would look for him, only concerned with his needs and wants. You broke away from his control before by leaving so don't be pulled back in. If he tries the guilt trip again I would give him half of whatever the holiday cost him (unless you already helped paid for it) then I would tell him to go have fun, you have a family who loves you and treats you well that needs you now. Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 10:28am
Absolutely do not go on the vacation with him. Not only do your parents need you, but you don't need to be in that kind of contact with him. I understand that you can't completely do NO CONTACT right now because of the cats, but the sooner you are on your way to that, the better. Continued contact only feeds his delusions that you will be back and increases the risk that you will be sucked back in.
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