Went Back? Stay Back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
Went Back? Stay Back?
1
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 3:34pm

I'm wondering if anyone out there can give me some sound advice....

I've been married to my husband for 7 years, yet together for 14. I have a (now, 20 yr old son from my previous marriage), and a 4 year old daughter. My husband, has always been "anal", and had a temper. But it wasn't all the time..

The last 4 years have been miserable. First he blamed my son, (teenage pain in the butt, but always walked on eggs and couldn't freely parent him and discipline the way U should because my husbands temper was always worse than what my son was doing...) Or the house could never be clean enough, lawn never mowed enough, always complaining..I was never good enough for his parents... "Didn't fit into their culture, because I already had been married and had a child... Went from complaining, to yelling, to hitting. TO both me and my son on occasion. He had me on the floor last year, choking me, then kicked & spit on me. I didn't physically leave, but emotionally I did. he ended up sick, and in the hospital with bouts of fluid around the heart because of a virus... When he came home, he was insane... I left him... I made a male friend, and starting talking, seeing him...(Perfect for me, or maybe just seemed so compared to the scary tension I was used to) My husband ended up back in the hosptial, I was confused didn't know what to do,, and went back....

Figured this would be another chance. Still the same... mean...Finally, months later he seemed well(physically), and an arguement broke out. Ended up getting punched in the head hard about 4 times until I saw stars...( These hitting episodes were in front of my daughter)

I finally called the police, had him stay at his Mothers. I was getting packed to move out and found out I was losing my job of 14 years. Panicked...Stayed (with him still at his mothers) I kept seeing the other gentleman, who figured it was ok to date me since I had contacted a lawyer to start a divorce, and I was leaving... I guess I kind of made it ok in my mind too even though I was still officially married. I finally (3 months later, found a new job, and decided on a place to move to, and the same day, my husband came by unexpectedly to see our daughter. I had my cell phone on the patio table outside, and when I was in the house he was going through it. Saw the other guys number and started questioning...He ended up calling him.. etc., nightmare... For this...He kept self-control...All the tiny things in the past he blew up... He said he was sorry, didn't want to lose me, said I was wrong, but he said he drove me to it... Was in tears...(THe other guy was breaking it off with me because he felt like it wasn't over even though I thought it really was..) I felt so lost, confused, scared, guilty about getting a divorce for the sake of my daughter..Felt bad because I guess technically I did cheat even tthough in my heart it had been over with my husband for awile..Felt sad because of the other guy thinking I was stringing him along...Mess...I decided to let my husband come back. It has been 3 weeks.... I felt in the first half hour that it was a mistake. He has been on his best behaviour trying to be Mr. Perfect and I feel like it is all an act, a volcano will boil and eventually blow...I guess I hope that It will work, but my heart doesn't feel all in it. I think I made a quick confused decision...

My heart isn't all in it because I really fell for the other guy, which may have just been amplified by an escape from the constant fear, tension, misery...My Husband is not an alcoholic, or on drugs (would at least have an excuse if he was) but when he would "snap" he would would be horrible..almost like a black out crazy...

We even tried a counselor...She "maybe you should just go your separate ways and get a divorce"there is no one particular problem. It's everything, maybe your too different"... I went against all odds and went back... My first marriage (when I was so young ended up abusive and scarey, and i swore I would never end up like that again, but did! and I also said once they hit you they never stop...) I want to know what others think.. Has anyone had a guy that really changed permanently?? I am just having a bad case of a hard heart? Did I make a mistake with the other guy... (Who figured I was a big liar, and thinks that I strung him along?)..... Help.........!

Advice pleeeease.................
Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 11:39pm

For someone to change permanently is not impossible, but it's also not likely. They must WANT to change, and above all, they must admit that they did something wrong. Abusers are generally not good at either.

The following link describes signs that an abuser is or isn't changing. Again, it's not impossible, but in the history of this board, there has been ONE abuser out of the literally thousands whose victims have come here who changed. I have anecdotal evidence of another, not on this board, but those still aren't good odds.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=26118.1&ctx=0

As for the other guy, it's probably best not to date again until you are and have been out for some time and the abuse situation is currently resolved. It's all too easy to fall back into another abusive situation, and you don't want to do that.

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