I thought I would have help......??
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| Mon, 07-03-2006 - 11:57am |
I did somthing that I never thought I would do. I cried out for help. On saturday I went to a pastor that I've known for a very long time. And I thought that I could get help from him. I told him what was going on in my life. Didn't tell him details but just in general to see what he would so. He made me feel like it was all my fault. He said that I am in control of my own actions and since I had raise my voice at some points that brought H to loose control and hit me. He said that I should just use other tactics and not provoke him. Be submissive. WHAT THE HECK!!!!! I walked out of there in total shame!! Now I'm walking around feeling totally vulnerable because I feel like EVERYONE knows. I really thought that I would get some good advise and even a way out....but I just left there and went home. What was all of that for?? NOw it's like I don't want to tell anyone else. I'm frusterated cause I took advice finally, and it was like slap in the face.
My self esteem and my self worth is so low right now. On top of being down graded by my H. Which he was doing all day yesterday. He was embarassing me so much in front of his brother and girlfriend. Saying how the house is never clean and that he has been doing it cause I never seem to get it right. Then he made fun of my food that I made for everyone. It just went on and on. Then later that night when he saw that I was really distant, he then appologized for what he said. And brushed it off by saying "babe, you know how I am somtimes" I dont' care if that is how he is!!! It's really starting to get to me. But all I can remember is what the pastor said about using a more calm "submissive" tone with him so that he doesn't escalate in anger. SO I just stayed quiet. Soon, i'll just become a door mat. All of this sucks!!!! It seems like either way I loose!!!
Thanks for listening.....

This isn't your fault. You could whisper responses to your H and he would still act the same way. Cause he is an abuser. Did you know it's sacreligous for anyone to disrespect you. Why cause you are God's child and this is disrespecting them. Please call the local DV hotline or the national one. They will tell you the same things I am this is not your fault and you don't deserve or cause this.
You did good, now don't give up. I know you can do this.
More big hugs,
Jennifer
And yes I felt just like you and had people IRL and online that helped me too. There's no shame in that.
It's ok to cry out for help, for this is NOT your fault.
Elm, if I really expressed myself I'd obliterate TOS, so forgive the toned-down language.