Do they ever change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Do they ever change?
2
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 5:40pm
Hi I'm new here and its been hard for me to admit to myself and my family that my husband is abusive. We have been together for almost six years, married for three. We don't have any kids together, but it dosen't make leaving him any easier. He has been verbally and physically abuse for almost 5 years. At first, it was just him commenting constantly about my weight when he was drinking. He is also an alcoholic. He would say really mean things; it even got to the point that I developed an eating disorder because of it, which I still struggle with. I don’t want to bore anyone with long stories, but the violence escalated and became him hitting and belittling me when he got drunk. He always would blame his behavior on the drinking and say that he didn’t mean any of what he said, or didn’t remember. I left him for the first time a few months ago, and confessed everything to my parents. He said he would change and I came back after 10 days. Well, he did change for a few weeks and then it all started again. This past weekend, we went to his brother’s house to hang out and we were all drinking and having fun, we also went to a few bars and I ended up dancing with someone (completely innocent) When we got back to his brother’s place he brought up the dancing. His brother’s GF tried defending me but he head-butted me and I went to bed. Then he got into some kind of fight with his brother and ended up trashing their house. It was a mess and I was scared that he might kill his brother over nothing. My husband went to the hospital, and his brother didn’t press charges. I called my sister, she called my mom. My mom and aunt came and got me, and now I’m back at my parent’s house. I’m just so tired of trying to “forget” and “get over” all the horrible things. We have had some really good times and I love him. I know that I’m planning on filing for divorce this time but I really never thought I would have to make this decision. He’s now saying that he is going to stop drinking, but I’ve heard that before. I also don’t know if he realizes how much hurt and pain he has caused me. I know that the statistics are against him recovering, do they ever change? Or should I just move on?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 9:09pm
I cant tell you what to do, but alcoholism is a life long illness and he will never change from that...And while I know people can change, and he may someday change, you should never stay with someone who has destroyed you as it sounds like he has...While I understand completely how hard it is to leave and just move on(im still trying not to care about my H)the damage done to you and your relationship is done and nothing will ever make it better...As you said, he changed for a few weeks but then returned to his true colors...He Is an abuser, he IS an alcoholic and he NEEDS help...And while he may blame you or say he has nothing to try for anymore without you, its BS....He needs to love himself and be happy before he can love you and make you happy...And same goes the other way...Until you are happy and healthy again you can't make a good partner, especially not to someone with their own problems...Anyways, while it's easier said than done(it took me getting the s**t beat out of me to leave), once you make the choice, you'll see how much better you feel. A few days after I left my H, even with a few bruises remaining, I felt GOOD...I looked in the mirror and saw the pretty face I had lost, the body that, while not a supermodels, looks a damn lot better than he gave me credit for, and the smile I hadnt had in months...All I can say from here, is stay strong and remember you are NEVER alone...You have family, friends, and even us here on the board to talk to and commiserate with...He's not worth your being unhappy..No one is!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 10:19am

It is not even worth telling you that only 1% of abusers change and ONLY with intense battery intervention and diligent therapy. Move on. Move on. Move on.

I moved on 2.5 years ago and I STILL need to keep a restraining order on my xh. They do not, will not change. They may only change tactics, change stories but never really truly change.

Be very grateful that you have no children with this man. Still after 2.5 years I am able to keep his visitation with the children supervised because he continually shows exactly what type of person he is, unfortunately, a alchoholic, drug addicted abuser.

Move on. Never look back.

Lisa