HOW DO I 'KEEP NOTES'?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
HOW DO I 'KEEP NOTES'?
5
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 11:33am
Hi, new here. I don't even know where to start. I'm so afraid my dh will find out I've been here. But I need help. Our marriage counselor told me privately that I need to keep documentation. My dh has verbally and physically abused us (we've been married almost 6 years), but the physical abuse is more in the past. So what I am dealing with is extreme verbal and emotional abuse, with our daughter (we are a blended family and we have other children with 1st spouses) ending up being one way he threatens me. Okay, she's 3 years old. She is deaf and her language skills are behind. I am trying to stay until she is old enough to call 911 or take care of herself. But I need a plan if I need to get out earlier. I need to document (and I don't know how...plus how do I keep him from finding it?). Also I realized that although he has made possibly over 500 threats to leave me, he isn't likely to. When I decided a couple of times that I'd had enough, he threatened me with our daughter again. So, like in the song, "Hotel California" by the Eagles, I can check out anytime I like, but I can never leave. I am trying to figure out how to live under this constant fear and anxiety, but until I know it's safe, and I do everything right, I have to. I hope to get back here soon, but I can't bookmark it, and I don't always get a chance on the computer. I have no bruises to show, so how do I show the abuse? Thanks for reading my post.
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Avatar for phoenixangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 11:55am

Just a couple of ideas:

= so long as you can get on computer (at home, work or library), use a free blog. That way you can have incident and date incorporated, could take mere moments to quickly type something in and post it. You just have to remember the blog's address and your password. just google "free blog"

= Ask your counselor if she can receive and store postcards from you. Then get a stack of pre-posted postcards from post office: fill it out with incident details, write her address (if you have no memory, record her in your address-book as "Avon Lady") and send it at the local maildrop.

= hide your notes at the bottom of your box of period-pads: to most guys they're more icky than radioactive waste.

= or find an old roll of Xmas paper, unroll it, write your notes and re-roll: doubt he'll ever think to look there... Just tear-off the written-on bits every so often and store them off-site (with counselor?).

= You could use cash to hire yourself a Security Bank Box or a Post Box and stash stuff there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 10:55am
Thank you. what may seem so simple gets lost in my stressed out head.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 11:15am

It's weird how that happens...with my DH there are a few things that really "stand out" about what he's done. But because it's such a continual thing I always am forgetting a lot of incidents. I think I'm also in the situation where I have to wait it out until I can financially take care of myself, so I think I'm going to keep documentation too. I read that shelters consider emotional abuse the same as physical, but i also heard that it is really hard to prove in court that it was emotional abuse. I'm going to find a counselor next week, and hopefully they can keep me from slipping away while I have to endure this.

I think the previous posters idea about hiding your documents in a maxi pad box, or in a safe deposit box are GREAT ideas....no man would ever get into either!!!!

((((Hugs))))

Avatar for phoenixangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 12:37pm
thanks re the kudos for my ideas -- I am scatterbrained as can be and so I rely on notes to remember *any*thing. The other part is that making and collecting those notes also forced ME to see the repetition, the patterns, that it was happening often, and to no longer deny it or pretend "maybe it wasn't so bad." They are proof not just for an outsider but for the Abused too. Glad I could be of service!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2005
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 4:35pm
these are all great ideas...I used to write mine on the inside cover of a raggedy ole cookbook...he never cooked, let alone read a recipe!