Everything all at once!! Overwhelmed

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Everything all at once!! Overwhelmed
9
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 1:31pm

I am so overwhelmed right now that I dont even know some of the stuff that I write. So please just bare with me. I just feel like i need to yell and scream and write this all out so that maybe there is a chance of feeling better. Thanks

Okay so when I think that I have a safety plan type to leave, everything starts crumbling. My original plan was to leave him after I give birth to my baby in August. I was going to stay at my parents house while I "recovered" from the c-section that is scheduled for me, I wasn't going to go back to him. And start living my life again. Yeah well, I think that plan is shot to hell cause they had mentioned to me about the meeting that I had with the pastor. And basically that my place is with my husband. Only if he hits me again will they intervene. And even then its not a guarantee that they would help me get out all together. SO they think that this is just a "hard time" for me and that I need to have patience and get thru it with the "best attitude" that I can. I feel confused here. I finally made a desision on getting out and now I hit a brick wall. I know what you gals are probably going to say..."go to a shelter" but I live in the city and there is NO WAY that I will be taking my two kids there. My aunt went there after he bad break up with her abusive boyfriend, and she said how much it was hell. She took three of her kids there and they still talk about it to this day. My aunt got into so many fights, and there was alot of her stuff that was stolen, soon after she and some other woman were kicked out of the shelter. So I know how those things work. You stay awake all night wondering if someone is goign to attack you or take your stuff. I'm not going to be able to live that way!!! (sorry I dont' mean to sound angry or offend anyone. I just really feel lost and confused and just EVERYTHING!!!) How could my parents allow me to continue living this way?? Dont' they care about me at all. I know that I have screwed up in the past and stuff, but do they really think I'll be okay if I just "stick it out?" Because of how they are being it makes me just stay and go thru it. It's like why should I even bother???? Yes I know, the kids. I feel like there is just so much I can do....are those excusees??? There is history behind me not leaving without a job or a place to live. When I had left him after he had hit me, I had no money, no job, not even a permenant place to live. I literally lived from house to house. And there was hardly any food for us. And the little food that we did get, I gave it to my son. Which wasn't enough cause he lost some weight and it just wasn't a good situation!!! It was HELL!!!! I lost a tremendous amount of weight too. And almost got to the point of not being able to function anymore. I was so ashamed for putting my son thru it. I cried every night to him asking him to forgive me. And still to this day I find myself after he goes to sleep just looking down at him and crying thinking about all of the things he's been thru. Imagaine how hard it was with just one kid.....now add another one to that. I can't put my son thru that AGAIN.....I swore to him that I would not do it again....and then on top of that I have my daughter. And besides all of that I have NOTHING for my daughter!!!! no stroller, crib, clothes, bottles, NOTHING!!!

On top of all of that.....

He just told me yesterday that he quit his job!!!! First of all he lied to me about it, then told me the truth yesterday. I really had no response for him after he told me. But now I am starting to feel it. I am about to give birth and be out of work. So what are we going to do about all the bills!!! How are we going to survive??? Oh and it gets worse from here for me.....I just found out from my job that there is a strong chance that they will not want me back after I give birth!!!!!!!!! I CAN"T BELIEVE THIS!!!!!! And there is NOTHING I can do about it. I tried talking to someone about it but since it's a small compnay that act that helps prego woman with their jobs can't help cause the business has less then 50 employees!!!! SO I might not even have a job after I give birth!!!!! So, that puts a huge damper on my plans as well because I will have NO income for my kids. Even worse for my little one cause she will need milk and pampers and all of that stuff!!!! Why does this CRAP keep happening to me!!!!! How is a person supposed to have strength to go thru this!!! I've had ENOUGH already!!!!!!! (sorry I needed to vent!!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 2:19am

elm, I could have wrote your post myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, today I decided "enough is enough". My abuser is extremly emotionally/psychologically/financially abusive, and a couple weeks ago he got physical (pretty bad for the first time as well, so I'm sure there is more to come when the chance arises!!). I also have to add that I have a 1 year old dd.

We got into a HUGE fight on the way to my parents, and he couldn't do anything in the car right before we got there, but I could just see in his eyes that he would have beat the crap out of me if we were to have been at home. I stayed at my parents house for the past 4 days, being a complete wreck. He does NOT give a darn about me and our dd in any way shape or form....he makes good money and gives us NONE, he goes out every night of the week pretty much, and has absolutely no idea how to love. I told my mom EVERYTHING. I told her and my dad that I NEED to get out now for my dd's sake, and that I'm TERRIFIED of him now. Instead of being supportive they take HIS side pretty much (even though they know him and know he is a COMPLETE emotional abuser...he even pulls stuff on them), and they are fully pushing it for me to stay with him for the "sake" of my dd. They just want me out of their house, and not to have to be affected in any way shape or form for us financially (that's my guess as to how they could be so cold). My parents think that we need couseling, and that we need to at least try to make it work. Do they not realize that it's going to get worse for me (only God knows how much worse), that I am going to be a COMPLETE emotional wreck by the time this actually finally does end? and that it is NOT my fault that he is an abuser???? That I cannot put my dd through all of this and not be permanently scared emotionally?????? I actually told my parents all this as well, and they think I'm blowing things out of proportion........WHAT????????????

Well my abuser phones tonight at my parents and they just tell him to "come on over", and then they were COMPLETLY ticked and tried to do everything in their power for me to leave with him. I'm still at my parents right now because I lied and said that I didn't want to take my dd out this late at night before bedtime....the truth is that I'm completely living in fear of DH now.

I got in touch with a shelter earlier today. And talking to the lady gave me soooooooooo much hope, and she was the first one to really listen and was willing to do everything to help me....I was sooooo proud of myself and was so excited at the prospect of getting out for me and dd. Well I phoned her again tonight, and came to find out that I will have a single bed to share with my dd, and a shared washroom and bathroom. How can I take a 1 year old there????????? I can't bring my car there, because OBVIOUSLY I won't have any money for gas, and this place is 25 minutes away, with no bus service (I don't even know if you are allowed to bring a car there). Also she informed me that some residents there are drug addicts (she didn't say it like that, but just through conversation it came out).........HOW CAN I BRING MY 1 YEAR OLD THERE???? I went from being THE most happiest person on the planet earlier today thinking I have the chance to run, and now to this. This is my first attempt to get out, and I WANT out, but I just don't have any options right now. I am not in any way shape or form saying that I would expect a shelter to be glamerous or anything even remotely like that, and if it was JUST me I would jump at it, but I am just as scared of that place for my dd as I am of my DH for myself.

I realized so much depth of the abuse I endured today and I KNOW if I stay it will only get worse, and right now I feel completly shattered. I had an original plan to get myself out.....I have a good permanent job lined up for next spring with great pay, but I am TERRIFIED to wait that long now. I cannot believe my parents have turned on me like this either, and that shatters even more of the little bit of self esteem I have left. I guess my only option is to get counseling going for myself right away so that at least I can have someone on track of 'me' while I wait it out until next spring. I can COMPLETLY sympathize with you hun, I'm in the EXACT same boat!!!!!!! So I'm sending you gigantic hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please email me through my profile!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 7:27am

Hey, gals.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 10:28am

My dad came from a "broken home", and his mom abandoned him......so he is ULTRA sensetive to the thought of it. And my mom...she's just naive, and is the type who thinks "stick it out until it gets worse" and she also just tells me "Just go home and ignore him, and it'll get better". I have NO idea what the heck their logic is.

As for finding another shelter....I live in a somewhat small, and new, small town that has just recently turned into a city that isn't very on top of ANYTHING. That is the only shelter that isn't solely reserved for drug counseling, and the bus service here is awful I think it would just be impossible. My "city" is VERY religous, and they are also more concerned about drug problems and make it the focus of pretty much everything, and they just don't seem all that concerned with women's issues. And as for kicking DH out, it would be impossible for me to pay the mortage because it is so high, and I know if I did that he would be sooooo furious and I don't even want to deal with that. I also have 2 classes that I have to take in the fall to add to my degree which I need to take in order for me to get my job in the spring. I would stay at my parents in a heartbeat, but they don't want us here. I also get the strong impression that if I leave they will take his side, and this crap will all be my fault.

I have one very close friend (from university), and she has 2 babies with ANOTHER abusive man (he's actually WAY worse then my DH even), and I have talked to her about leaving with me......and she just won't do it. Now she also is pretending that her relationship is great all of a sudden, and anytime I talk to her she just tells me "You should get out", but she isn't being emotionally supportive because she is a shell herself and just ignores all of it because she doesn't want to deal with her own demons.

I really do think right now that my only option is doing this job, and then getting my own place. I'm just really mad, and dissapointed at the lack of options and support!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 10:54am
I can understand the parents reaction. If your parents are from the "old school". they believe that the man is in charge, and marriage is forever. You need to get out your Bible. The New Testament says a lot about marriage. If your H is not a Christian, it clearly states that you are not in a committed Christian marriage. You have an out. If you are thinking your parents are right, and that God won't forgive you, think again. Get out before theres more. If he has hit you once, he will do it again. My children have suffered immeasurable harm due to the abuse. My counselor said that they may very likely marry abusers. That scared the cr*p out of me. If you can get out, do it.
<a href="http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psmomsschool" target="_blank"><img src=<a href="
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 11:22am

My parents are very religious. They believe that if you marry it is for life. But, they don't like my Husband at all. They have said to me plenty of times that they want me the Hell out of there!! But when they met with the pastor that I was meeting with, they totally changed their minds!!!!!!!! How does that happen??? When I was meeting with the pastor he said the only times that you should divorse is if the spouse doesn't want to be married anymore or there is an affair involved. Which there was cheating involved on more then one occasion. I can't prove that he actually had sex with the girls but he def cheated. And that information is what he told me. The only time I caught him was when I found a condom wrapper in his wallet. SO what does that tell you??

As far as shelters go I live in a small city and there aren't alot of different shelters to choose from. I am afraid to get the police involved. So I will not call them to kick him out of the house. So, you know what....I am just going to have to buy some time till atleas the baby is born. I have no choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 11:24am
My parents aren't really from the old school, but they are always very concerned about finances, and like I said my dad came from a split up home that WAS a really bad situation and he is SUPER sensitive to the idea. DH is a Christian although I swear that he's actually Satan himself. I'm going to get out ASAP, but I just have to go about it in a different way than I originally planned. I know that when I leave that I might have to just give up my relationship with my parents as well, but just right now because my dd is so young I just don't really have any options. I guess though that once everything is good to go it will mean that I will be gone for good though. I need to get a counselor and make sure that they are very aware of my plans, and beg for them to keep me to them!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 11:29am
Yap Elm, my parents hate DH too, and think he's a complete jerk.....so I just can't see why they are doing this to me?? My mom is the EXACT same way too....the only way it would be acceptable for me to get out is if I found proof he's cheating. I pretty much know he is anyway, but because I don't have that concrete proof they can't accept me leaving him. WTF???? If it was my dd I would POSSIBLY understand if she stayed because he was cheating, BUT if she was being abused in any way shape or form I would help her EVERY way possible to leave!!! It doesn't make sense to me??
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 12:09pm
If my daughter was going thru this I would DEF help her out NO MATTER WHAT!!!! I couldn't imagine my baby being abused and such!!! Why can't our parents put their own "crap" aside and just help????
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 4:07pm

Elm, I've read your posts here before. I seem to remember that you have some other family members that you're very close to, a cousin comes to mind. Isn't there a friend or another family member who would be willing to take you in?

Same with you, Kiddo_as.

If not, I have one thing to say about the horrors of the shelters you two are describing. While they may not be at all preferred or optimum choices, they are choices and you will be free of abuse there. You ask how could you take your child there, I suggest another thought, how could you keep your child in an abusive situation? Again, it may be awful, but it won't be as awful as living in abuse. A shelter is temporary, you will get through it. If there is no other option, it should be seriously considered. Look at how you're living, what could be worse than living in fear, being punched, choked and more?

Temporary ladies, it is temporary and it will give you a leg up to where you need to be. It is an out from the hell you're living. Remember the cloud with the silver lining? The shelter is that cloud.