New & in a bad situation
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| Mon, 10-23-2006 - 8:23pm |
Hi,
I'm a mom of three who recently remarried. I've always dealt with self esteem issues and I've never really had a normal relationship with men. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship in high school. The guy was a psycho and was very controlling and verbally abusive. Although I was never hit, I was very scared of him. I got out of that relationship after a year. My parents found out that he was threatening me and put a stop to the relationship. I ended up jumping back into another relationship my senior year of high school. I got pregnant and we got married. My first husband was also emotionally abusive. He was very immature. When we would argue he would call me horrible names. Again, the relationship was never physical, but it was not good. We split up after 5 years of marriage.
I stayed single for a couple of years until I met my second husband. At first everything was wonderful. He told me that he had an issue with his temper but I never saw it. We dated for a year and it was the best year of my life. Then I got pregnant. At first things were still good. Then his car got stolen and I witnessed his anger problems first hand. The police called and said that they recovered his car but that it had been completely gutted. He lost several hundred dollars worth of CD's (his cd's were very important to him) and the thieves did a lot of damage to his car. When he got his car back from the police he went crazy (after we left the police station of course). He started screaming at the top of his lungs and he broke his front door right off the hinges. He jumped in his car and took off in a rage. I was devastated. By this point I was already 2 months pregnant with his child. He calmed down and called me later to apologize. I was concerned by his outburst but I could sort of understand since his car was completely destroyed. I forgave him and things were good again. We moved in together and had the baby. I witnessed a few smaller bursts of anger. I remember when our daughter was young and he got mad about something and screamed at the top of his lungs and threw a remote control across the room (almost hitting me and the baby). His tantrums didn't occur very often and he wasn't physically or emotionally abusive. A year and a half later we got married. We've been married for almost a year now and things have drastically gotten worse over the past few months. His anger is completely out of control. He throws things, he kicks things, punches things. He got upset at me the other day because I was having a problem regarding my ex-husband. I said something he didn't like so he punched our new car and put a huge dent in the door. Today he went to get an estimate and they said it's going to cost at least $200 to fix it. I told him today that I didn't appreciate him destroying our new car and that his tantrums have to stop. He flipped out and went crazy. He punched the table which spilled my soda all over. He kicked down the safety gate and started screaming at me at the top of his lungs about how much he can't stand women and how it's my fault for not taking any responsibility in things. My husband doesn't hit me but he has thrown many objects right by me. He broke a cell phone by throwing it against a wall. He punched a hole in our wall. He threw a set of keys at my leg and gave me a huge bruise. I'm so fed up that I don't even know if I love him anymore. I'm a smart woman but I don't really have any place to go. I never finished college. My husband and I work together and are joint business owners so I'm pretty screwed. I dont have any family or close friends. His parents own the house we live in and I don't have any money to get a place of my own. He has made it pretty clear that if I leave then I'm not taking our child. I'm scared of what he would do if I tried to leave. So, that's my story. Not very good is it?

Welcome to the board bluerose :o)
I am definitley worried about you and your little kid. How old is your child? I am worried that pretty soon he will hit you. He has already threw keys at you and gave you a bruise. It will get worse, it's just a matter or time. He seems like a very angry man with a lot of issues.
It seems that you maybe jumped into relationships too fast. You never gave yourself much time to heal before you got into another one. Maybe you never got your self esteem and confidence high enough before you got in your new relationship. He of course was a prince when you first met your now husband. All abusers put on a mask and pretend to be the prince, but soon enough the beast comes out. Emotional abuse takes a lot longer to heal than physical abuse. Emotional abuse bruises the heart and soul while the physical bruises heal a lot quicker. The emotional bruises are hidden deep down.
"He kicked down the safety gate and started screaming at me at the top of his lungs about how much he can't stand women and how it's my fault for not taking any responsibility in things." ***This is so untrue. It is HIS fault not yours. He is the own with the temper tantrums, not you. He needs ot control his anger.. but he's not! He isn't taking any responsibility is he?? Saying it is all your fault.. it is not your fault at all.
Do you have access to money at all?? You can start saving money behind your husbands back. You can safe a little bit by bit so he won't notice if it's gone. It is very unhealthy for your children to be in the middle of this relationship. They are seeing your husband have extreme anger problems and your children will start to think that screaming and yelling is normal and right to do. It isnt. You really need to think about your childrens well being as well as your own.
You can go stay at a shelter... that is an option for you and your children.
I suggest you check out this website as well as calling the Domestic Abuse hotline number.
http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm
Lauren
It sounds like your in a real tight spot. But you don't deserve the S*** this guy puts you through, what if one time he throws an object and hits you instead of the wall? Or the baby. You don't deserve to live like this anymore.
Do you have family or friends that you can turn too?
Have you contacted your local DV shelter yet? They specialize in helping people who have nowhere to go. They can also provide you with legal help for keeping your daughter. He may *think* he's keeping her, but I strongly suspect the judge will beg to differ.
If you're worried about that, try keeping a secret journal of what he does- times, places, what he does. Try to get pictures of the damage if you can. This will help you in court.
Finally, check out our website, accessible through the Start page. The number for the national DV hotline is there; you may want to give them a call. Good luck, and do keep us posted.