Is it automatic divorce?
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| Tue, 10-24-2006 - 11:06am |
I need somewhere to vent and hear what other people think. I've been married for almost 13 years. We have two boys - they are 12 and 6. Life is good. Except, that it's not! Last weekend we were out of town. We had a minor disagreement on Thursday or Friday about map reading - not really a big deal. Then, on Saturday, I talked with my mom who had been watching our dogs and found out that my husband's dog was gone. He was upset and thought he'd be gone forever because he wasn't wearing a collar. I wanted to know why he didn't remedy the collar situation before we left because I mentioned checking on the kennel since he'd been getting out. I didn't say "put a collar on him", but common sense dictates that if your dog is prone to getting out of the yard that you put ID on him.
Anyhoo, he was upset about the dog and angry that I called him stupid. (I didn't call him stupid, but whatever.) Then, out of nowhere, he's red faced and yelling and I get kneed in the thigh. I have a huge bruise and am limping. He immediately apologized and has been pretty much crying and apologizing ever since. Right as it happened it was almost like he snapped out of some sort of 'anger trance' and realized what he'd done. I told him that I'd probably be moving out. My brain says "abuse = divorce". I've always believed that. He's been sleeping on the couch and we're not speaking unless it's about the boys.
This is my question. Is one incident grounds for divorce? I don't want to be that woman who stays in an abusive relationship, but this is a one time deal. (But then I think "so far".) Our marriage has always been pretty good and has been based on trust and love and forgiveness. I really think I can forgive him, but I don't want to make the wrong decision. I don't want to leave, but feel like that's what I'm supposed to do.
UGH. Does any of this make sense?
Thanks to any and all who respond...

Hi yes your post makes sense. I think it is hard to know exactly what is going on in any marriage from one post or even a lot of posts because there is so much that goes on.....is he abusive in other ways? verbally? emotionally? Is he abusive to others?
Also I don't feel like I am in a position to be giving advice to others right now, but I will tell you there are lots of people who give great feedback on this board so I hope it helps yous!
These are some really tough decisions that you are faced with. You said you were married for 13 years? Did he ever hit you before?
If this is a one time incident this is what I would do, I would give him a second chance, but not before he agrees to go to counseling for abusers. This isn't a problem regular counseling can take care of. He needs counseling for abusive men. If he agrees to commit himself to this, then I would forgive him under those conditions.
Hitting a women is never by accident, they are fully concious of what they do. Unless of course he has some kind of mental illness. But if you haven't been hit in the 13 years you were married (except for this one time) and your marriage is based on love and trust then if he agrees to the counseling, take a time out from the relationship just to clear your mind and then go back to him. But if he ever hits you again, get out, leave and run from this man.
Hi KimberleyBlaine :o)
Okay, he kicked you in the thigh and then he immediatley started to apologize. Huge Red Flag to me. This sounds to me like the abuse cycle. It goes from the hearts and flowers stage (crying, apologizing, gifts) then it builds up and builds up and then there is the explosion (him kneeing you in the leg) I know exactly what you mean about the 'anger trance' My abuser had a look in his eyes that absolutley terrified me when he got angry and son after he snapped out and started apoligizing saying he is sorry and it will never happen again. But it did happen again. The only way it will stop is for us victims to stop the abuse cycle and to get out.
I do not think this is a one time deal. I think this is the beginning of a physically abusive relationship. Does he yell at you? Is he very jealous? twist stories around to blame you and never takes the blame or apologizes?
I suggest that you call the Domestic Abuse hotline number at 1.800.799.SAFE
It always helps to get more opinions and info from others.
And to also check out this website: (The Board Website)
http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm
Keep us updated on how you are doing. Take Care
Lauren
Thank you all for your responses! It's still all sinking in. I still can't believe it happened. I always thought that abusers were always abusers - like from day one. It seems weird to have been together this long and then for this to happen. (we've been together for 15 years) I think a few of you asked...this is the first incident. We argue sometimes and sometimes I cry, but after discussing it with my girlfriends it seems within normal limits. We both work and we have two boys in school and sports - life gets hectic and stress takes it's toll.
UGH. I guess we'll have to sit down and talk about it. I've thought about counseling and will definitely look in to it. I'm not scared of him or anything and we're still going about our daily lives with work and the kids. It has to be discussed, but I'm still too angry right now! Granted, I've already told him what I think about it. I think he's just waiting for me to pack.
Part of me wants to end it, but I love him and I was happy just a week ago. It doesn't feel right just giving up on him and it doesn't feel right staying with him. Nothing feels right anymore. Really, I want to rewind and have it not happen - I've always felt fortunate to have him as my husband and as the father of my children. He's an amazing dad and I'd be lying if I didn't already think about how this would affect the kids. I think that if we didn't have children, I'd be sleeping over at my mom's by now!
Thanks again to all of you. Please feel free to continue with the advice. It's so nice to have a forum to discuss all of this.
I agree with what another poster said, that this sounds like it might not just be "one incident", but part of a pattern of abusive behavior. Of course it's very hard to tell from just this one bit of information. I do NOT agree with the poster who said to wait until he hits you again.
Several things worry me. First is the "anger trance". It might only have been "one time", but it sounds like my X, and in his case, it became more frequent, and worse.
"We're not speaking unless it's about the boys." That sounds like there are deeper problems than just this "one incident". Do you ever speak about your arguments or disagreements? Or does he just apologize, and then it's up to you to "forgive him". You speak about basing your marriage on "trust and love and forgiveness"... how often do you have to forgive him, and what for? That puts the responsibility for your relationship on your shoulders. He has apologized, and that's all that he has to do? Now it's your problem?
"We had a minor disagreement on Thursday or Friday .... - not really a big deal." "he was ... angry that I called him stupid. (I didn't call him stupid, but whatever.)" Do you have frequent disagreements or arguments that you overlook or brush aside ("not really a big deal." "whatever".)
I strongly recommend counseling, for yourself if he won't go with you. If you are going to stay together you need to talk about what happened, and deal with the underlying causes. It's not good enough for him to just say "sorry", you say "I forgive you", and then you hold your breath waiting for the next time. If you're going to separate, counseling will help you to do so safely, and hopefully in the best manner possible for your two boys.
Hey there~
I'm going to try to answer your questions as well as a few that I think I've missed.
He's not abusive in other ways.
He doesn't normally yell. This was very strange.
He's not jealous.
He doesn't twist stories.
We always talk about our arguments and disagreements. I'm not speaking to him right now because I'm mad at him!! He's tried to talk to me a couple of times, but I'm just not ready. Right now, it's very much his problem. As far as he knows, we're probably through. I told him we'd discuss it later.
I don't ever "have" to forgive him for anything. Things that come to mind though are unfinished projects around the house, not doing dishes that he said he would do, forgetting to dry the clothes in the washing machine...
Yes, there's probably one disagreement a week that I brush aside. In the big scheme of things it just doesn't matter and isn't worth dwelling on. (map reading is an excellent example - I don't know where we're going and he doesn't either. We argue about which way to go, figure it out, move on and neither boasts about being right.)
I'm definitely thinking about counseling.
Thanks!
Edited 10/24/2006 3:59 pm ET by kimberlyblaine
Hi,
It's good that you came to this board to discuse this incident with your husband. I know exactly how you feel. Everyone has to make their own decisions and live with them. In cases of domestic violence, especially the first incident, it is difficult to know what to do. I read a statistic that 95% of victims stay after the first (physical) incident; yet there really is more to abuse than physical. If anyone knows what the statistic is for the abuse to happen again, that would be good information.I spoke to a co-worker who stated her husband hit her once and he never did it again. They have been married 40+ years. My X grabbed me and shook me on the first physical incident and I spent the next 3 1/2 years wondering if it would happen again, it did.It took me 3 months later to decide to divorce him and 2 months into the divorce he assaulted me again. I still wonder if I should have divorced him. When is enough enough? I am so sorry you have had to experience this but it is good that you are seeking support here. Please do seek some professional help (counseling, domestic violence hotline) in order to figure out what decision will be best for you.
Well, this all sounds pretty good. Especially "We always talk about our arguments and disagreements." That's good. But please, don't just ignore this or forgive it. Please seek counseling. It's important to know what brought it on, and even more important to assure that nothing like it will ever happen again. It's possible that he was tired / hungry / reminded of something from his childhood / who knows what. But none of that excuses violence, and the good thing is that you know it, and so does he.
Remember that counseling is not a huge thing if you don't want it to be. See someone, change to another counselor if you don't like the first one, go to as many or as few appointments as you feel you both need. You're not committing to years of therapy, you're just talking to someone whose specialty is talking to people with issues just like yours.
good luck.
- L.
I agree with the other posts, though unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom to add to it. I do want to say that I find the whole topic very interesting. I think one poster said - ...when is enough enough... And that is an excellent question. As well as whether an abuser starts out as such or can develop into one. Again, I have no answers there, but find it an interesting question. The X I unfortunately got involved in was an abuser from the very start. And from the sound of it, was abusive to girlfriends before me. And now I wonder how I can ever tell if a guy is turning abusive or not (since I stayed with CAHL for nearly 14 years before understanding it) Is one time enough to put on the brakes? Should I let the first time slide? Or will it get me into trouble again with someone like CAHL?
I think the previous posts held good advice. It should definitely not be ignored, and maybe take some action, such as counseling, to try to nip it in the bud.