please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
please help
7
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 12:14pm

I will try to keep this short although I think I fill a thousand pages. I was married before about 12 yrs. Hubby and I just grew apart, had 3 children with him. Met new man total opposite of ex immediately upon leaving. He worked nights, I worked days so we saw each other only Friday nights and Saturdays for years. He met my kids (who were young at the time) and we got along. This man (who I am now married to) lived with his mom his entire life. Never was married or really even had a serious relationship before me. He is the youngest of 5 kids and his father died when he was about 6 motnhs old. As I said we dated about 5-6yrs still only seeing each other virtually on the weekends, but we went away a couple of times with my kids etc. He eventually switched to a day job about a year before we got married in 2004. We are still married now. He is 45 and I am 42.

Now here is the problem. This man is an alcoholic. He always drank but when he worked nights it wasn't an issue. He never drinks during the day (he's at work) and he never drank in his mom's home. But now that we are married he drinks all the time. He also hates my daughter. She is now 19, the oldest (he's know her since she was about 10-11)and he cannot get along with her. She is mouthy at times but only to me and for a typical teenager it's not bad. She works full time and has never been in trouble..most people love her. He also HATES her boyfriend. Anyway, he is becoming increasingly angry and negative. He has never physically hurt me but he constantly talks about leaving and taking everything. Killing all of us etc. He drinks everyday and tells me it's because he hates to come home. He hates being around my duaghter and/or her boyfriend (who comes over two evenings a week). He gets off work at 3:30 and goes to a bar till about 6:00. He lies to me about where he goes and what he does. If I say anything he throws a fit. I try not to argue with him and keep the peace all the time but I feel like I'm going crazy. My daughter seldom comes out of her room anymore when he's at home and i try to sneak food into her in the evening. If I make a meal when she or her boyfriend are there he refused to eat with us and really refuses to be in the same room with her anymore. He gets along with my other two boys (15 and 13) but they pretty much ignore him or disappear. He calls my daughter "b*tch" and her boyfriend "Lump". he doesn't say there names anymore. I work (actually 2 jobs) and he works. He doesn't contribute much financially because he spends it at the bars (about 500-600 a month). however the little he does helps. I got into debt shortly after I met him because I found out I had cancer, stage 4. He stayed with me through it all but never helped me with anything. I ended up missing a bunch of work and ran up big bills with Credit cards that I'm trying to pay off. He constantly tells me that we are behind on things and it's my fault becuase of my debt. Even though we would be fine if he wouldn't spend so much at a bar.

Anyway, I don't know how to live like this anymore. everyone who sees him thinks he's wonderful. The people he works with etc. it's only me that really see's him drunk all the time. But now he's angry even when he doesn't drink. I guess I've come to the breaking point now. the other day while trying to flip the mattress I found a tablet between the mattresses where he has been writing in for the past two months. a couple of the entries worry me. He writes in short notes and refers to me as wife.. not by my name. He has the entries dated and they begin in september through Oct. 19. Things like: "wife is distant", "living in bedroom" "Not optimistic about things".. he also talks about my daughter and her boyfriend. Like: "B*tch and Lump involved, not good day". "Becuase of B*tch I'm living in the bedroom" The worse entries occur in October.. "b*tch is pushing me. She is still here and pushing me". "She is a lazy slut.." He also writes.. "my hate for Lump has moved over to my wife. I hate her. They are one entity.. F*ck them both. I hate B*tch and Lump. I hate them all."

I'm scared that he is losing it.. He took off his wedding ring and put it in a drawer. I know that I probably should leave but I also know that I would lose everything. I did that after my first divorce and I don't want my kids to lose there home again. I also am not healthy like I was the first time.. However, I don't want to be here if he snaps either.

I should would like to hear some advice.. I'm scared to stay or leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: rocket2006
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 12:24pm

I think deep in your heart you know that this isn't a healthy relationship for you. He seems like a very angry guy at times, what worries me is that one day he might become physically abusive. This is how it starts, and it will only become worse and worse.

If he does snap, which one day he will, you and your kids will have to pay the price of living with this angry man.

Do you think that by leaving him he might threaten you and your family? How do you think he would take it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: rocket2006
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 12:37pm

Welcome to the board Rocket :o)

There are definitley some red flags in your post that I am worried about. I am concerned about him saying that he wants to kill everyone. It is very wrong from him to be calling your daughter a bitch.

Also, drinking is not an excuse for how he is treating you okay. Yes, he does sound like he drinks a LOT and spends a lot of money at the bar. I bet if you told him he has an alcohol problem he would just deny it and get mad. If you said anything about him spending money at the bar I bet he would go into a rage!

You really need to start thinking about your children. You daughter doesn't come out of her room anymore is a big red flag for me. It is her house too and she should be able to do what she wants in her house and not be called a bitch anymore! That is wrong.

I am suprised that he never helped you out with your debt when you had cancer. That is horrilbe that he never helped you out. I believe that a very loving and healthy relaitonship - the man would give anything to help his wife out.

Everyone that sees him at work don't see the real him at home. He puts on a mask when he goes to work or to see friends. He is totally opposite. There is no reason for people not to like him because they don't see the mean side of him.

I suggest that you check out this website:
http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm

Also check out this website of womens laws in your state:
www.womenslaw.org

Big Hugs to you!
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
In reply to: rocket2006
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 1:04pm

Thanks for your replys.

I have called him on his drinking. He blames it on the stress of being here with us at home. That's when he started lying to me about going there. It's funny though because he goes to the same place and parks in the same spot. A bar I pass on my way home from work.. so it's not hard to know when he's lying. When he swears he wasn't at the bar and I say "I saw your truck there" he gets angry at me for checking up on him all the time etc.

He says he is the way is is becuase of my daughter and also because I'm always depressed and "no fun". I am depressed all the time and I'm sure that it is hard to be around me but it's hard to be happy and positive when my huband calls me a b*tch and a whore. The only thing my daughter and I are good for is to be on our backs etc. He just gets so ugly at times. It's bad when he drinks but also bad when he doesn't go for a day or two because he WANTS it so much.

He has a lot of issues I think some of it comes from living at home till he was 42! His mom treated him like a king and he demands so much of my attention. I don't cook or wash his clothes as well as his mom. He has never had any debt and is used to spending money on what he feels like when he wants. When we married he only had his checking account and his truck (after 42 years of living with no expenses!) I used my savings to buy our home etc. He is afraid to drive (only drives to work, to a bar and home) which is about 8 miles round trip. I drive everywhere. Even after I had my lung removed from cancer I drove myself home (4 hrs) from the hospital becuase it was too stressful for him. He doen't go to funerals or deal with anything pretty much. I understand that and I loved him in spite of all that. But I can't deal with anger and tension that is in our home.

It's difficult because his abuse really isn't easy to tell. Is calling me names abuse? What concerns me is the detachment of his journal entries.. "wife" "hate for my wife" "she and Lump are one entity" stuff like that. I honestly thought about calling the police one of these times he is driving home from the bar. He has had DUI's before (infact one where he was locked up however, I never knew about this stuff till AFTER we were married) and maybe they would force him into a treatment place.

Right now if I leave he will take me for everything I have. He has his mother (he has lots of money) and can get a good attorney I don't want to end up losing everything. I have kids to think about. However, if this is really abuse maybe that would help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: rocket2006
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 3:30pm

Calling someone names is abuse. This man is abusing you, he calls you horrible, demeaning names, these are all indicators that he is mentally and verbally abusive to you. One day it will get worse. How do I know, I see it from your post, his journal entries, the way he refers to you as simply "wife", he shows indications of being detached from his anger. That is the scariest part of all.

What you are describing about this man, how he has never had any responsibilites (like paying mortgages or expenses), living at home until he was 42. He makes you drive everywhere because he is afraid of driving? Or he becomes overwhelmed at the smallest, everyday things. I want you to know something---These are all traits of an abusive personallity. I don't want to scare you but he sounds like he has some traits of anti social personality disorder. He is extremely detached when he refers to you and your family. It seems like he might at times lack a concious ( I could be wrong) This is the biggest indicator.

Abusers love turning things around so that we are left full of guilt and desperation, wondering whether or not it is really us that is the root of their problems. When he says he is like this because you are depressed or down all the time he is turning things around on you. Because you do feel depressed, you feel guilty about what he is saying and it makes you second guess yourself ( I could be mistaken).
I want you to know something though, it is not your fault. Your feelings of depression are cause solely by living with this horrible, tormented and angry man. The depression is caused by the abuse.

When you got an operation for the cancer he wouldn't even bring you home, i'm so sorry you had to go through all that on your own. No one deserves to be treated that way.

Your husband is extremely abusive. One day something will click and you'll be ready to leave this man.

He reminds me a lot of my ex. My ex never worked a full time job, he never wanted to get his license to drive. I was the one who drove everywhere.

You are not alone. I know its hard when you think about leaving him. I know you feel like there's a lot to lose. but I want you to know that you don't deserve this hell he is putting you through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
In reply to: rocket2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 2:35pm

Thanks everyone for the information.

Just a little update. I spoke with my brother-in-law and my husbands sister last night. The brother-in-law is a counselor. I showed him the tablets with the "entrys" on them and asked for his opinion. I know this is tough for the family after all it is family but I wanted them to understand what his drinking is really doing.

The BIL and sister both agreed that things are out of hand. They kept the notes and plan to talk to the other brother about what to do. Which made me feel much better. They felt as though he sounded suicidal.. and could possibly hurt someone too. The one thing they did say as that I have done enough and it's not fair for me to try to handle all of this alone anymore.

Thank God.. someone is finally listening to me. Now, the scary part is.. will he be angry when they confront him? Can I forgive him for everything, anything? I can't keep denying the problem anymore it's kind of tough waiting to see how he will react and what will happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: rocket2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 4:20pm

I am happy to hear that the BIL and sister seem very understanding and also know that things are out of hand. It is a relief that they are on your side and see something is wrong. When are they planning on talking to him about the entries? I am a little bit concerened that he might get angry that you found the notes and went to the BIL and sister.

Can you forgive him? That is totally up to you and you are the only one that can make that decision. I personally think that he has hurt you enough! I think that you should move out with your children and away from this horrible man. The way he treats you and your daughter is wrong.

Hugs.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: rocket2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 8:58pm

Rocket, you've gotten some good advice.