Scared
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| Tue, 10-24-2006 - 2:38pm |
Sunday evening I tried explaining to H why I felt my not having access to any of his money was unfair (I'm a SAHM). He left the room saying something about divorce, not uncommon here lately, we both have discussed it.
Yesterday at lunch, he was telling me to call a counselor, our bickering wasn't going to solve anything. Last night he comes in our room to tell me he's mad about the whole thing, I don't appreciate how he's supported me and my 4 kids from before him. For one thing, when we moved in together, he wanted me to continue day-care, he wanted kids and a SAHM. We had 2 kids, 2 years apart. I have taken care of all the kids, run them from sports, concerts, friends. I've continued to provide child care from home, while he worked, took evening classes and finished his degree. I ran the house by myself. I want to scream!
Backing up a bit, I had an appt I cancelled with my attorney a couple of weeks ago. H and I had agreed to use one, my appt was to bring in financial papers and draft an agreement, H didn't give me the papers. After leaving the room last night, he came out to tell me that he would be calling his attorney for a referral. After I missed that appt, I felt powerless, I knew I was going in the wrong direction. As scared as I am, at least now I know which direction is right.
Last night while checking on the kids, my oldest girls arguement turned into an arguement with me, ending in my 16 year old stating that she hated my H, that the only time he spoke to her was to pick on her. She's never complained about him to me before, but know that I think about it, it makes sense that she spends time in her room when she does. I feel awful.
I'm sick of this damn power struggle. After saying he would get an attorney didn't get a rise out of me, he made fun of the financial papers I had given him a month ago. Mind you, I cannot fill out the info because it's either in his desk or safe, which is locked up from me. Saying "where did you get these papers, they're a mess, I wouldn't hand something that was that sloppy to my boss, I can't believe this is what your lawyer gave to you"
That was longer than I planned. I'm just beside myself. Even though I see leaving as the only answer, I'm so scared. I'll have to take care of a lot I never have, nevermind moving 6 children! Where do you find a place for 7? I can't wait unitl my counseling appt, I need to put things in perspective. I'm still asking myself if I'm really abused?
Thanks for taking the time to read through my vent. Take care everyone!

Have you checked out the board website? I am not sure if I sent it to you or not. It is under the title on the main page and just click on Board website. (or something like that) There you will find loads of Information on abuse. There is a checklist too. You can read thru and learn a lot.
Do you have family or friends around that you could go and stay with? You can always go and stay in a shelter too. That is a safe haven for you and your children.
Good Luck and keep venting and posting.
Lauren
Hi. I hear you I am still asking myself the same thing - is he abusive or is he just a jerk? Or somehow is this me? But you were right in your post to me, space will help me.
The power struggle sounds frustrating. The money issues - frustrating. I hear you all over the place.
I am not going to attempt to answer your questions but you seem like a very "get it done" woman - I mean wow you are taking care of all those kids and the house - that is a lot!!! So I bet when the time is right the answers will come to you.
Thankyou, I did go back and check the board website. I have no family around our school district, I couldn't continue day-care from somewhere else, losing income would cause more problems. Not to mention who do you stay with when there are 7 of us? I'm calling local victim resource within next couple of days (I have them off). Will hope they can offer some legal and other info.
Thanks!!!
Honey, when someone doesn't give you a place to turn, that's abuse.
I am crying so hard right now, cause I know that you're right. But, when you know what it really is, you also have to accept that all the time you had a relationship with the person, they controlled you, they didn't love you. It hurts to know the past 8 years of my life, I wasn't loved.
I wasn't going to check in today, been having problems with Microsoft closing, and my uneasiness is growing. But, I have anxiety and panic, and decided I should read up on everyone, remind myself it's real and a part of all of us.
This has been so much a part of my life. Today, dropped youngest off at pre-school, he met her there for a kiss and hug. He left heading to lunch (not work) I followed part way and turned off to stop at my cousins. Within 5 minutes of being home, he pulled in and I wondered if it was to check on me. Then the anxiety or panic kicked in, I was scared, feeling like I'm waiting for whatever it will be next. It's been quieter than usual and that scares me more cause I'm waiting for a big one. The room I'm sitting in now has dents from throwing things, and drywall covering a whole he punched into the wall. I don't want to be afraid of this crap anymore.
I'll call the lawyer back, he knows about the paperwork being locked up, but if I share a little more maybe he could understand. I know the stuff could be supbeoned, but that will cost more. Thankyou so much, I hate that anyone else has to understand this, but am glad you're here.