A Miracle - Long

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
A Miracle - Long
6
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 8:59pm

Hello All....I've posted here a couple of times with questions regarding verbal and emotional abuse. With the help of this board I finally was able to admit that I AM in an abusive relationship. My abuser is totally self-absorbed. He looks out; he never looks in. He directs the loved ones around him in a wild chaotic dance of anger. He is incapable of love or intimacy. The only feeling he owns is anger. He seethes internally. His eyes are memorizing and shoot out the self hate from within. He is a hungry controller. Never satiated. Manipulative and cunning. He is a hunter of the weak and the defenseless. He does battle until spirit and strength are gone. He never takes prisoners. It is fight to the death.

I have been in an abusive relationship for over 8 years. I have spent countless hours, days, weeks, months trying to find the key. The key to happiness. To unlock the time when I will be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, sexy enough....the list is long. I have not been able to look myself in the mirror...my image was that of a souless ghost with haunted eyes. I was not a person of my own right but an apendage attached to my abuser. I was ugly, groteque, and thorn in his side. Two weeks ago my abuser broke up with me, told me he didn't love me, and that his interests were elsewhere. I was devastated, wounded, and my heart literally ached with tears. To think that even my abuser lost interest was beyond belief. I was a willing partner in his evil game of tag the loser. Why did he want to get rid of me? At first I tried to lure him back into the game but he did not respond. He stood adamant that the relationship was over. Last night I exploded and for the first time in 8 years I told him what I thought of him. I told him how much he hurt me and that I would never forgive him. A valve went off and I deflated. I felt a rush of calmness. I prayed for strength and courage. I prayed that my eyes would open and I would be able to finally free myself from this death wish existance. I prayed that my disgust and hate of him would over power my weakness. For the next fews days I stayed strong and started making plans for my life away from him. I made appointments with the bank, lawyer, and real estate. I have made many new friends and they have been helping me along the way. With their steady stream of encouragement and caring I have moved forward. The first few steps were hard but after a few completed I felt less scared and more excited about my new life. And tonight it is a miracle....Tonight my prayers have come true...I truly do see my abuser for what it is...an empty shell without substance. It will never love because it does not know how. It will never nuture, care, praise, welcome, empathize, sympathize, etc. because it knows no other feeling than hate. It hates itself. It will never change. It will only camoflauge to capture its next prey. I know my enemy and it is not me....I am learning to love myself. I am a winner and so are you. Hugs, Sassy I'll keep you posted on my new journey. I can't wait.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 9:54pm
Sassy, (and BTW, I LOVE your name!)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 12:18pm

Oh Sassy.... I am so happy for you. Everything that you have said fits perfectly in the description of the abusers. Perfectly!! You said exactly what I went thru. You are perect the way you are and you will find someone that will love you for who you are. If you feel sad some days, just think what his next girlfriend is going thru. She won't be good enough either. It isn't you, it is him that is the problem here. It will be a long road to healing. There will be bad times, but there will also be wonderful times! You can now do what you want and wear what you want and not worry about the little things that would set him off. You can live life for YOU and only YOU. You don't have to worry about anybody else... it really is a wonderful feeling! Way to go. Lauren

"It will only camoflauge to capture its next prey." I love how you said this. It is so true. They do camoflauge to capture their next prey... Wow.. Good one.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 12:50pm
Thank you both for the posts. I am hanging in there and although admittedly scared my revelation to what I am dealing with stands strong. I'm just wondering if maybe I should be a little more wary. He is acting very co-operative so far but I can see something churning in the way he acts and the look in his eyes. Normally I would be panicky and needy after he broke up me. This time I am calm and independent (other than my initial charged reaction). I am forcing the topics of separation that I would usually try to ignore and pretend did not exist. He appears to be re-analyzing the situation and trying to come up with an appropriate counter attack so he can get another feed of control. It is a sick mind game. I'm just a little bit unsure as to what to expect as retaliation. Will his abuse turn more mentally severe or could he possibly resort to physical abuse? My plan is to act as quick as I can to remove myself from this volitile environment. I have called the local women's shelter to get some advise. I want to be prepared and ready. I pray that I someday recover from what has happened to me. I need to forgive myself for allowing someone to debase, diminish, and humiliate me. I need to find peace with who I am. I need to learn and grow from what has happened. I want to be healthy. That is my goal. Thanks for listening. Sassy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 1:14pm
what a beautiful story.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 5:36pm

Hi. Do you have a child with this man? ... you aren't living with him right? Oh.. were you married? ... I am sorry for all these questions. You will hear a lot about the no contact rule after you split with the abuser. If you have children with an abuser, it goes to the minimal contact rule.

I suggest you check out this board: (It is a wonderful board as well)
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&nav=start

Good Luck.. and Take Care
Lauren

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 9:05am
This is wonderful to hear! Thank you for sharing! :D
Image hosted by Photobucket.com