Restraining Order REALLY NECESSARY????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Restraining Order REALLY NECESSARY????
5
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 9:42am

I am packing my daughter and my things up. Enough to last a couple of weeks. Some of her favorite toys and snugglies. I wish I could bring my dog too...but my parents have two dogs already and it would probably not work. I feel bad leaving him.

I did some crazy things before that I have to undo. I was just so scared of him that I hid a lot of things and now he will have to know. Like bills/financial stuff mostly. He has always said that I should NEVER pay our mtg. late and that is what I have done. I feel like a child confessing sins. I also had a credit card with him that is over $10,000 that I haven't been able to pay on (I paid off all of HIS other cc's and was trying to pay everything else).

SO I had gotten a PO Box so I wouldn't be on pins and needles if HE got to the mailbox before me!!!! I know it was stupid and crazy, but I couldn't help myself!!!!

It just feels better to "come clean" and to let you all know that he will be angry with me for that if not for leaving him!

I will post again this weekend if I can from my parents to let you all know. DO I REALLY NEED A RESTRAINING ORDER!?!?! DO I NEED TO GET ONE FOR MY DAUGHTER!?!?!?!?!

PLEASE ANSWER ASAP!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 11:52am

If you are afraid that he will come after you and hurt you then I say that YES you should get one. Does he know where your parents live?? If so, then another yes. Abusers are very unpretictbale. They really will do anything.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
HUGE HUGS
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 12:24pm

Hi, nini-

I wanted to reply, because your message really struck a chord with me, especially about the financial stuff. I know exactly what you mean when you say you were so scared of him that you hid alot of financial stuff. I used to do the same thing! I had even taken out a credit card in my name that he didn't know about, because he wouldn't give me enough $$ to cover household expenses and groceries and stuff. He would give me $20 a week that I was supposed to use for gas and lunch, and $75 a week for groceries for 3 people, but that was it. Run out of milk or diapers? Too bad. Need more gas? Too bad. He knew we went through 2 cartons of cigs a week, but he would only let me write a check for 1 carton. Got a charity thing at work where everybody else is pitching in $5? Too bad. What about the field trips that come up at school? Too bad. Pretty soon, I had charged up almost $10,000 in cc debt that he didn't know about. I was taking cash advances to cover the minimum payment, and having the statement come to my work (yes- I DO work full time, and make more $$ than him, and carry all the benefits)! Once I hit the limit, I had to tell him. But how do you tell someone you racked up $10,000 on the cc, when he throws a major tantrum because someone used his blue papermate pen? I finally did tell him because I had to, and yes, he hit the roof, but eventually, he "forgave" me. But let me tell you, he never passes up an opportunity, during an argument, to tell me how I "stole" our money, and robbed our kids of their savings, and he forgave me out of the goodness of his heart, and gave me another chance. It's been two years since the CC incident, and I'm proud to say that since then, I've been more vocal about needing more $$, and telling him about things that come up, but I still ALWAYS get this sick to the pit of my stomach feeling when I have to ask him for money, even though he buys himself whatever his heart desires....

Honey, please forgive yourself for these things- they will work themselves out. The mortgage usually gives you a 15 day grace period, so you may be okay, and even if not, you will deal with it. The most important thing is knowing that you did what you did because you were scared, and now you are taking steps to get out of that situation. And as far as him being mad at you- even if none of these things had happened, wouldn't he still find something to be mad at you about? You KNOW he would.

As far as the restraining order, I don't have any experience with that (yet) so I'm not sure. From what I've read from other posters, it sounds like if you are worried about him getting violent AT ALL, and you have some type of documentation or proof, then it's better to get it and not need it, than the other way around, KWIM? And as far as your daughter is concerned, since he has been somewhat physical with her in the past (I think he's grabbed her arm hard???) maybe she should be included as well. But again, I'd definately get more opinions on that one.

Good luck, Nini, and stay strong, and please keep in touch and let us know how you and DD are doing...

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 2:30pm

Best of Luck to you and your daughter. I remember after a bit of being away from my 1st (physically) abusive relationship, how free I felt. It is a wonderful feeling, and well worth it!

Thank you for your confession, I've previously hidden phone bills. He would complain about the cost, at one point put a pin # on the long distance so I couldn't use it. This prevented me from calling all family, Dr's, and so on. I think you his it like I did, for fear of an arguement and yet more disapproval. I feel better not being the only one to have hidden things, now I see why. Now we have no long distance, I have to buy phone cards, and my family and friends all offer to call me right back.

I think you should call someone who would legally know what's required for a restraining order. I previously had one against my ex, but only after a police report noting a threat made to be was taken. That was through criminal court, don't know how it works through family court.

Best of luck to you and DD! Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 9:18am

Thank you all so much!!! It is nice to know that I am not the only one to hide things because I am afraid of confrontation...I never used to be like that, I just don't know what has become of ME!!!! It is really like feeling like another person. I just am having a hard time here because I don't have to hide anything from my parents. It is a HUGE adjustment.

When I spoke to my husband on the phone he wasn't angry that I left with our child, but because of the guns restriction/revocation and the bills. He actually didn't act like he cared at all about us!!! That hurt...a lot. When I told him that I was scared of him and couldn't talk to him, he scoffed at that...basically a "whatever" type of response.

Well I did post an update, but it is really nice to know I am not the only one who HID things!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 9:08am
Restraining orders serve one very important basic function; that is, they put law enforcement on notice that something is wrong and give them additional ability to act should the person do something. Honestly, if you even think you may need one, I would go for it. I would think it's better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
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