is it abuse? do they change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
is it abuse? do they change?
6
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 11:01am

Is it abuse when they call you names even though you do things that make them react in that way.


Do they ever change?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 11:19am

Welcome, Amy-

Let me ask you this- does he ever make you mad? And when he does- do you say mean things to him? I bet it's not the same- that's what helped me see there is a difference. My husband makes me mad sometimes, but I don't say mean things back for several reasons:

1- I'm not allowed to be mad in my house, because me being mad only makes him more angry.
2- When we were younger, and he would call me a b***h, I thought that made it okay to call him a name. But you know what? That's not the kind of person I am. I said to myself, "if you love and respect someone, you don't call them names like that." For me, being called those names doesn't just go away by saying "sorry". So we talked about that, and I stopped, but he never did.

I guess there's a fine line between "just a fight" and abuse sometimes. Only your feelings, and reading more about emotional and verbal abuse, can help you determine if it is abuse or not. I haven't been here very long, but there a lot of wonderful people here for support and questions whenever you need it.

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 11:48am

Welcome Amy :o)

Yes I think it is abuse when they call you names. Nobody that loves you should call you names. Whether is B*tch or loser or wh*re or stupid. That is called verbal abuse. You don't do things to make them react that way. That is the way that abusers are okay. Can you give me some examples of when he got mad and called you names?? Do you notice if he twists stories around to put the blame onto you?Do you notice a pattern or how anything you do is never good enough for him? Does he get mad at you about things that are YOU and does he want you to change them?

I say that words are yes that bad. I was in a emotional/verbally abusive relationship. My abuser never physically hurt me on the outside, but he really destroyed my self esteem and insides. He hurt me bad. He took me on a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Of hurtful names, yelling and put downs to I'm sorrys and I'll get better. It was horrible. Yes, abusers can change... BUT only 1% of abusers change after long term therapy, counselling, willingness to change and of course wanting to change. Most abusers don't want to change. They are all about power and control and they will do anything to have it. They destroy our self esteem and confidence and make us feel worthless.

Keep posting as much as you like.
Hugs. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 1:00pm

Beth Thank you for your response.


To answer your question when he makes me mad I have learned to shut down.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 1:10pm

Thank you Lauren for responding to my post.


Some examples of things that set him off are as such:

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 1:35pm

I see some red flags in your post of what you have said. It shows me that by the way he drives and you don't like it... it sure doesn't seem like he respects your feelings. So you might be scared by the way that he drives, but he doesn't care about your feelings. He will then explode for no reason at all.. just because you don't like the way he is driving and want him to slow down.

"He can say mean things like im a dumb stupid fat piece of Sh9t and then later say I just said it because I was mad." *** Nobody should talk to anybody like that!! You do not deserve to be called any names... and you are not a piece of sh*t or whatever he says okay. I want you to be on the lookout for when he gets mad. After he yells at you, try and notice what he says causes it. If it is work that made him mad, or that you caused it or whatever. Abusers never take responsibility for anything they do. They always blame everything or anybody else. They don't take responsibility. I remember one time my abuser and I were watching a movie.. long story short, he threw the flicker and broke it. He then blamed it on me! That isn't right. He threw the flicker and he didn't even take the blame. A healthy relationship - if that happened the guy would take the blame because he did it.. you know.

I am a little concerned that you are going to marriage counselling. Only for the reason because I see some abusive traits in your post. When anybody questions going to marriage counselling with an abuser I always say NO WAY. The reason is the victims cannot open up as much with the abuser in the room. Maybe we are afraid of what will happen after we leave. If they will be angry with us.. maybe we said something to embarass them. They will be very angry after the counselling appointment. Just be a little cautious of this okay. I have also heard that by going to counselling with an abuser, the victims actually go backwards instead of forwards. If you want to, I would suggest going to a counsellor by yourself to someone who specializes in Domestic Abuse.

About the fair incident. He forgot about the whole situation an hour later. I bet he was all chipper and acted like nothing happened at all. Did he want you to be over the fight right away like he was? With abusers it is always 1 sided. They want it their way or the highway. Abusers are very selfish and are all about power and control.

I think that deep down abusers do know what they are doing. But I don't think that they know they are abusive. I remember telling my abuser when I left that he is verbally/emotionally abusive. Maybe he just took it as a grain of salt.. I am not sure. I think that he knew something was wrong, but he coulndn't pin-point what it was. He will probably make excuses for the rest of his life. I have a personality disorder, or I am depressed or whatever... I don't think that he will ever admit that he is abusive. Maybe they just can't seem to stop their angry bursts. Abusers minds are screwed up and backwards.

Lauren

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Registered: 12-29-2003
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 2:16pm

Hi, Amy-

I really feel for you- I am in the same situation. I've been with DH for about 20 years, married for 14, and I've got 2 wonderful sons who mean the world to me, ages 9 and 2. When I leave, I'd like to take them back to PA (we live in St. Louis now) where all of my family lives, so I could get the emotional support I'm going to need. But I'm soooo afraid he will fight me on leaving the state with them. I know he loves them, but he's only the good time Daddy, doing things with them that HE likes to do, and leaving the rest for me. He doesn't change diapers, he doesn't feed them, take them to the Dr.- all the hard things he doesn't do. And really, I don't think he even wants custody, but he'll fight me because it will keep me trapped in St. Louis where he can keep tabs on me.

So I know what it's like to feel trapped, but the point is, we are opening our eyes to things we didn't see before. Next time he yells at you, you will be able to see it for what it is (abuse), instead of trying to figure out 50 reasons why you MADE him mad. The examples you gave to Lauren and I sound like abuse to me, and like Lauren also, my DH never hit me, but after years of being made to feel like I'm stupid and worthless, and I'm only good for being his maid, raising his kids, and giving him some whenever he feels like it, I'm just sick of it. I never thought it was abuse either, until I started reading about it a few months ago. All we can do is learn about it, think about it, and if you decide you do want to leave, start to come up with a plan.

I feel sad for you because you seem so young, but it's better to recognize these things sooner and deal with them (I think), then to continue to blame yourself. I'm 38 now, and after dealing with him for so long, I just feel old and used up. But when I let myself think about a new life in which I don't have to walk around on eggshells and allow him to dictate how I'm supposed to feel every minute, I know things will still be hard, but I want it so much!

When I start to think "oh- it's easier to just stay with him after so many years" I think about my boys. If I stay, will they start treating me like crap when they get older just because Dad does. Will they treat their girlfriends or wives like crap? I can't allow that- I have to take a stand. Same thing goes for your daughter (who is SUCH a cutie-pie, by the way). You love her more than you ever thought possible- what if she were to grow up and fall in love with a man who made her feel the way your husband makes you feel? You would never choose that for her, but what if she grows up thinking that's the way it's supposed to be?

If you can, try to read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's very helpful in helping us understand abuse in all it's forms. And yes, it pretty much states that while the man doesn't set out to destroy you, he wants what he wants, and he does ultimately choose to act the way he does. (I bought it last week- I have to read it at work so he doesn't see it)!

Are you using your computer at home? If you are, be sure to delete the history so he doesn't see what sites you've visited (sorry, Lauren- if you already mentioned that).
Good luck and keep us posted!

Beth