I found out the problem, now what??
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| Fri, 10-27-2006 - 3:11pm |
I dont know where to start so if your up for a long story here we go.....
My H has been emotionaly abusive for years and i have been trying to make sence of it all and deside if i'm going to keep this marrage together or give up, so here is my story.
I'm 34 been with the same man since i was 13 we got married when i was 16.
My H is 5 years older then i.
When H and i was dating we had our spats and breakups. Just before i turned 16 my parents wanted to move to another state so my the b/f now H moved with us and about a month later he told me that ( either we get married now or i'm going home ) well what did i know at 16 so i went and told my mother that we wanted to get married now and she had it all put together in a weeks time. The day before our wedding we got into and arguement over wedding bands. go figure.
Our whole marriage has been this way with him saying that ( its either my way or i'm leaving )
It was a little over 2 years after we married that he wanted to start having kids and i said no that i wanted to wait awhile and he said the samething ( if you dont try to get PG i'm leaving ) so i stopped my birth control.
This is where things got worse.
A couple of months later he got a call from his mother that his uncle died and wanted him to come home for the funeral. Well he didnt want to go but he was a mommas boy and did what she wanted.
He got his pay check before he left and wouldnt leave me a dime for food or nothing and acted really angry. Well he left, while he was gone something told me to get a pregnancy test but i had no $ so i went to his employer and got an advance on his wadges. The same day he came home from the funeral was the day i found out i was PG with our first son.
He totally changed on me. He didnt want to have sex anymore he got more verbaly abusive. This kept on for years but anyway about a year later i wanted another child and i had to talk him into having enough sex with me so i could have our second son.
A couple years later when he was working something went wrong with his right eye and had surgery but it didnt work so he went blind in that eye. Well he got fired from his job and got arrested on an unfounded charge and he turned around and blamed it all on me like i knew what was happening and that it was all my fault.
Then a short while later we found out that he was going blind in the other eye as well then his father got sick from diabeties and went down hill and after a couple months of him watching his ill father slip away and die he got even more meaner to me.
He took his fathers death hard. I kept trying to get him in a better mood, trying to get him to play with his kids, to laugh a little, ect. One day i was teasing him in bed sexually and he got pissed and said ( what you want me to pick betwen you and my father ) i fell to the floor crying and it felt like something broke inside me. He even acused me of being addicted to sex and told me too take off my clothes and get on the bed so i did what i was told and let him do his thing and i've hated him ever since.
A couple years later we moved back to our home state and nothing changed he still acted the same.
Well i started having phone chats with an old friend of my brothers / old crush of mine and wound up having an EA.
Although this was only phone calls cause he lives too far away things got out of hand and i fell in deep for this other man cause he treated me like a desirable women and that there was nothing wrong with me wanting the attention of a man.
Well i stopped talking to that old friend a few months ago but things between H and i in some ways have and have not gotten better. We are talking more but nothing has changed.
Here is what i have found out.
The reason why H got worse after the funeral was because that uncle had molested him as a child and he had repressed those memmories and seeing his uncle brought it all back and thats why he stopped wanting sex and or attention from me and why he verbaly abused me all these years because he couldnt face what was wrong with himself so he had to nitpick everything about me that he thought was wrong and in the mean time i tried to change everything about me that he didnt like but on the other hand i lost who i was. Still to this day H has alot of hangups about his uncle and doesnt want or think about me in a sexual way nore does he want attention from me. \
He told me that he doesnt think about sex for weeks and the only reason he has sex is to please me or rather what i call ( shut me up about it )..
God i feel like crap. My whole life feels like a lie when someone tells you that they love you and are INlove with you but that the only reason they have sex with you is to please you. I would rather that a guy have sex with me cause they love me or even lust after me then this. H knew all this time that i had been molested as a child and what i had gone through but he could never tell me what happened to him.
H said that its going to take time for him to change but its been 16 years i dont know how much more i can take or how much longer i can wait.
I just want to love someone thats going to love me back and yes someone whom likes to have sex..
I dont know what to do or what to feel for that matter so any helping advice i could get would be awesome..
Thanks Min

Huge Hugs Min!! :o)
I am happy to hear that you now realize that he works in the "My way or the Highway" mood. It is not fair and he really doesn't care about your feelings. I am sure he does to an extent.. but everytime you wouldn't do something that he wanted, he would say he is going to leave you then... wrong! He is just taking you on a rollercoaster ride. It is so unfair, even about you not wanting to get pregnant. He is only thinking about himself.
How is it your fault that HE got arrested!! AHH... it makes me so mad sometimes. You had nothing to do with it... but he still manages to find a way to blame you. Abusers twist everything around.
Just because you like sex does not make you addicted! Just because I had sex with someone else before my abuser, makes me a slut? I don't think so.. Just because I wore a nice dress on my birthday I get called a Wh*re. Abusers are so screwed up in the head.
Have you told your H about this emotional affair that you had? If you have, does he still bring it up during fights? He says he has forgave you.. but it is still an issue during fights. That happened to me A LOT. Months and months later he would still bring up the EXACT things that caused fights before... the main one was becuase he seen a picture of me dancing with a guy I graded with. I was at a wedding that he didn't want to go to. He said I had a sparkle in my eye that he never seen before.... Oh god... give me a break!!!
Ya, I would think that him being molested would be a big part in the way he is. If he has never gotten any help about it... then yes I would say it's a big part. I am very suprised that he has never told you that before... especially that you have also been molested and he knew that. Why wouldn't he have been honest with you and told you then.
Ok... yes it will take a long time for H to change. It will take years and years for him to change. Remember that only 1% of abusers change. That is with long time thearapy, counselling, willingenss to change and wanting to change.
"I just want to love someone thats going to love me back and yes someone whom likes to have sex.." ** Ok I don't want this to be mean but I have to be honest with you. I do not think that you will find any other kind of love with this man that you have already have. I do not see him changing anytime soon. Years and Years. You still have your whole life ahead of you and you have a life to live. Do you want to wait around in case he changes? I do understan how hard it is to make this decision, but you do have a choice here. I held hope for so long for my abuser but I ended up just giving up on him. I am way better off now that I am away from him. I get to do as I please and not worry about anything.. How he will act. You do not deserve to be called any kind of names okay? Nobody deserves that. Oh.. and who doesn't want someone to have sex with? Sex is a big part in a relationship and if someone doesn't want it, it does cause problems. Who doesn't want someone to say they love you and that they want to have sex with you? You want someone to call you honey or babe not b*tch or stupid. You don't want to worry about the little things and watch what you say or do because you might get in trouble from him. You are yourself and abusers don't think like that. They want you to be as they want you to be. They want to mold us into what they want... Abusers don't respect us and they never will.
Lauren