sharing a thought

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
sharing a thought
7
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 7:02pm
It has been one month now since I left my abuser and it just isn't easy to stick with the plan. I have not called him, however he has called me a couple of times and I am seeing how important it is to not take the calls. Apparently my abuser is seeing someone else already - actually I have enough evidence that he actually started up this relationship while I was still with him and thinking he and I were an "couple." It definitely sheds some light as to why his mental and verbal abuse escalated towards me. He was trying to "get rid of me" in a sense. My gut felt the familiar signs and I got out. However, you would think I should be thrilled and jumping for joy just to get away from someone who was evil 90% of the time - maybe more. All I keep thinking about is what I must have done to drive him away - drive him into the arms of another girl. Last night I had a therapy appointment and I just wanted to share with anyone who is curious or cares, that I looked at my therapist and said that I can see why he would want to get away from me. I am not as fun or spontaneous as I used to be and he probably found what he wanted in someone else - someone who is younger, willing to drop everything for him like I used to be. (He told me in a recent conversation that he is going to Vegas "by himself" next month - which I know is untrue. We live on the east coast and who goes to Vegas by themself?????) He wanted to go all year and I couldn't because I have work, school and many obligations and it just wasn't a good year for me to go away. Well, I looked at my therapist and basically sided with him. She put me back into my place pretty quickly by reminding me that I have been BRAINWASHED by this immature man and that I am a responsible adult and really he should have appreciated that about me. but nothing was ever about me - it was all about him and what makes him happy. I know that I would not enjoy this trip with him if I did go. It would not be at all romantic, he would find ways to make me pay for most everything, he would drink excessively and leer at women the whole time. yet I sat there feeling bad, like I lost out on someone great. I needed a wake-up call and also just want to share with others who feel like that about themself - we are being brainwashed against ourselves. Honestly, I am a fun person - I used to be anyhow - until I began living in a world where I had to walk on eggshells all the time, feel as if I am being held off the edge of a cliff all the time with worry and feel like I am in competition with all other women. My biggest hurdle right now seems to be that I need to overcome this brainwashing and I don't even know where to begin. When someone is brainwashing you, you kind of don't notice it - you just know that you have changed inside and you cannot manage to stick up for yourself. If anyone has anything to share, i would appreciate it. My hope right now is that he gets involved with this girl long enough to give me a fair chance of ridding of some of the brainwashing and get more strength back because I know I am still vulnerable to his b.s.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 7:14pm

I totally agree with your therapist that he brainwashed you. I was brainwashed too as well as all the other abuse victims. That is what abusers do - they brainwash their victims. You have been with him so long and over time they really do change us. Whether we see it or not. We aren't as fun or spontaneous anymore. They don't like that side of us, so we have to change. That is so untrue.... we shouldn't have to change ourselves for someone to love us.. you know. My abuser told me the same thing that he is already with someone or interested less than a month after we split. I was shocked at how fast he moved on. but deep down I feel bad for the next girl that comes along, because they will have to deal with his BS.. not me anymore. He is probably calling just to get a rise out of you. That is what I think my abuser did. Just to see how I would react and just to piss me off. They really do know how to push our buttons!! AHH

You are doing good... it is really hard to not accept his calls. You will soon enough just say you have had enough with him. It took me awhile to stop talking to my abuser, but I feel so much better now that I don't talk to him. Yes I miss him... well some of him.

Hugs. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 10:49pm

What is it with abusers and Vegas?

Blueliner4
(aka The Pixie Princess)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 1:59pm
Hello....I read your post and as I am about to leave my abuser it really has helped me to understand the types of emotions I will be experiencing when I am out. Right now I am cycling between sadness, dispair, hope and elation. I have been reading extensively about emotional and verbal abuse and would like to say this. Your abuser has gathered an arsenol of emotional weapontry that he uses to maintain his control and manipulation of you. He was devoted to knowing his enemy because that is what you are to him. An abuser does not love nor does he want to be loved. It is all about control. Intimacy and compassion are not part of the game plan. He knows your weaknesses and will captialize on them. My abuser dumped me cold two weeks ago. Since the beginning of our relationship when I told him my childhood was very rocky and I needed stability in my life he has been breaking up with me on a regular basis. A compansionate and loving partner would do his best to stop this behaviour so I could feel safe. My abuser uses this information to pull the rug out from me at every chance he gets. The threat of break up was one of his control mechanism. Right now he is "acting" the nice guy that I first met....happy, cordial, giving, polite....even charming. He is basically showing me that I am why he has been so unhappy and mean. Now that he knows I am leaving he wants to demonstrate what a wonderful man he will be once I leave. Overtly giving me the message that I am the reason that he abuses. THIS IS ANOTHER ONE OF HIS SICK GAMES! He wants me to cry and ask him why can't he be like this all the time. Tell him that the man I love is back and now it is very difficult to leave. Well, I am not falling for this manoeuver. We are co-habitating until I find a new home. I have taken the steps to move forward with my life without him. I know it is going to be hard breaking away from the years of brainwashing. Your partner will continue the abuse cycle as long as you allow him into your life. You do not need this. I am sending strength your way. Hugs, ~Sassy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 4:17pm
Many thanks to all who have replied to my post. I have to say that it is truly amazing how on the mark the replies are. Obviously many abusers use the same tactics - it is as if we have all been dating the same man. I have read a lot about verbal abuse too, but I do not recall ever seeing it in black and white that we are considered the enemy and so therefore they use our weaknesses against us. but that makes so much sense that it is scary. As much as I feel like I miss my abuser, I think I just miss having someone there. We obviously were not having the type of relationship that I dream of - one filled with love, compassion, kindness, empathy, understanding, etc. I had a nightmare going on that I wanted to believe was a relationship. Admittedly I am feeling jealous that my ex-abuser has moved on and is taking someone with him to Vegas (and for all I know, that could be a "tactic" to make me feel bad), I also know that this poor, unsuspecting girl is probably filled with hope right now as I used to be. A guy taking her away on a vacation, showering her with attention, etc. She may even think that he is "the one" since he can really put on the charm when he wants to. he can prove to himself that it really was ME that was horrible and caused him to be abusive. Right now he is feeling great, on top of the world - he got rid of miserable me and is getting plenty of attention and probably no arguments whatsoever from the new girl. Not yet anyway. Knowing how he is, it won't take long until he starts to lose his patience, throw out a few judgments and criticisms, totally disappoint her and then when she starts to "pout" or act upset, he will tell her that she is starting to act like a "typical woman" and things will slowly begin to unravel. I also like the idea of starting a list of all the positives and negatives of my relationship and am quite sure that the negatives will way outweigh the good. It helps so much that you all share your experience because it is the validation I need to stay on the path I am on now. Recovery doesnt seem to come quick enough but with each day, I feel more hope for the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 6:47pm

You know what, I feel the same way. I miss having someone here with me. I love being single and living by myself... but there is always that feeling that I miss having someone around. It was very hard from going from living with someone and seeing them all day to not seeing anybody. I thought that my relationship was filled with love and compassion and all that... but it really wasnt' at all. It was a show that he put on. My abuser told me horror stories about his ex girlfriend. I felt bad and he cried when he told me stories. I thought that he was really upset and hated her guts for what she did to him.. Soon enough I realized that she did nothing wrong and he was the one with the problems. I just wonder what he is going to tell his next girlfriend .. and what horror stories he will tell her about me. He will switch everything around and blame me. I really do feel sorry for the next girl. I was actually thinking this morning about the start of my relationship with my abuser. I recall a time when we hadn't moved in yet. It really wasn't a big deal.. but i remember going out to dinner for a friend birthday. I wanted to have a couple drinks, but he didn't want to drive so I had to and I never had a couple drinks. He didn't even think about me at all... it was all about him not wanting to drive. He never drank by the way. He just didnt want me to drink and him drive! how stupid! All about him.. being selfish again!! yes the recovery after abusive relationships is a long haul it seems. But with each day it gets better and better. It gets easier and easier as days and months pass. That is why a lot of people say not to get in any relationship right away after abusive realtionship, because we need time to heal ourselves.

Good Luck!
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 10:50am
Thanks Lauren, you sound a lot like me in that you can live alone and enjoy it. It has it's lonely side but it is better than being berated constantly. Thanks for the wishes and good luck to you and to all others who are out there trying to move on and get over the hump of feeling sad. I know I have gone through this before and it took a long time for me to feel better, but when I did, I felt unstoppable. I miss the more confident person I used to be and it is amazing how much damage has been done - even though I thought I was strong and was standing up to it. I guess I really wasn't standing up to it as much as I thought. In the meantime I am trying to re-learn what it is that I like to do and get the nagging voices of my abuser out of my head. Funny how everything is about them - and even when they are gone it feels like they are still here manipulating our minds.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 9:18am
It sounds like your therapist has her head on straight, which is good news. I don't know that there is a "cure" for brainwashing, other than time and NO CONTACT. It is something that just takes time. Don't be too hard on yourself- you honestly haven't been out for that long. Keep working with your therapist and remember that you CAN do this.
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