sharing a thought
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sharing a thought
| Fri, 10-27-2006 - 7:02pm |
It has been one month now since I left my abuser and it just isn't easy to stick with the plan. I have not called him, however he has called me a couple of times and I am seeing how important it is to not take the calls. Apparently my abuser is seeing someone else already - actually I have enough evidence that he actually started up this relationship while I was still with him and thinking he and I were an "couple." It definitely sheds some light as to why his mental and verbal abuse escalated towards me. He was trying to "get rid of me" in a sense. My gut felt the familiar signs and I got out. However, you would think I should be thrilled and jumping for joy just to get away from someone who was evil 90% of the time - maybe more. All I keep thinking about is what I must have done to drive him away - drive him into the arms of another girl. Last night I had a therapy appointment and I just wanted to share with anyone who is curious or cares, that I looked at my therapist and said that I can see why he would want to get away from me. I am not as fun or spontaneous as I used to be and he probably found what he wanted in someone else - someone who is younger, willing to drop everything for him like I used to be. (He told me in a recent conversation that he is going to Vegas "by himself" next month - which I know is untrue. We live on the east coast and who goes to Vegas by themself?????) He wanted to go all year and I couldn't because I have work, school and many obligations and it just wasn't a good year for me to go away. Well, I looked at my therapist and basically sided with him. She put me back into my place pretty quickly by reminding me that I have been BRAINWASHED by this immature man and that I am a responsible adult and really he should have appreciated that about me. but nothing was ever about me - it was all about him and what makes him happy. I know that I would not enjoy this trip with him if I did go. It would not be at all romantic, he would find ways to make me pay for most everything, he would drink excessively and leer at women the whole time. yet I sat there feeling bad, like I lost out on someone great. I needed a wake-up call and also just want to share with others who feel like that about themself - we are being brainwashed against ourselves. Honestly, I am a fun person - I used to be anyhow - until I began living in a world where I had to walk on eggshells all the time, feel as if I am being held off the edge of a cliff all the time with worry and feel like I am in competition with all other women. My biggest hurdle right now seems to be that I need to overcome this brainwashing and I don't even know where to begin. When someone is brainwashing you, you kind of don't notice it - you just know that you have changed inside and you cannot manage to stick up for yourself. If anyone has anything to share, i would appreciate it. My hope right now is that he gets involved with this girl long enough to give me a fair chance of ridding of some of the brainwashing and get more strength back because I know I am still vulnerable to his b.s.

I totally agree with your therapist that he brainwashed you. I was brainwashed too as well as all the other abuse victims. That is what abusers do - they brainwash their victims. You have been with him so long and over time they really do change us. Whether we see it or not. We aren't as fun or spontaneous anymore. They don't like that side of us, so we have to change. That is so untrue.... we shouldn't have to change ourselves for someone to love us.. you know. My abuser told me the same thing that he is already with someone or interested less than a month after we split. I was shocked at how fast he moved on. but deep down I feel bad for the next girl that comes along, because they will have to deal with his BS.. not me anymore. He is probably calling just to get a rise out of you. That is what I think my abuser did. Just to see how I would react and just to piss me off. They really do know how to push our buttons!! AHH
You are doing good... it is really hard to not accept his calls. You will soon enough just say you have had enough with him. It took me awhile to stop talking to my abuser, but I feel so much better now that I don't talk to him. Yes I miss him... well some of him.
Hugs. Lauren
What is it with abusers and Vegas?
Blueliner4
(aka The Pixie Princess)
You know what, I feel the same way. I miss having someone here with me. I love being single and living by myself... but there is always that feeling that I miss having someone around. It was very hard from going from living with someone and seeing them all day to not seeing anybody. I thought that my relationship was filled with love and compassion and all that... but it really wasnt' at all. It was a show that he put on. My abuser told me horror stories about his ex girlfriend. I felt bad and he cried when he told me stories. I thought that he was really upset and hated her guts for what she did to him.. Soon enough I realized that she did nothing wrong and he was the one with the problems. I just wonder what he is going to tell his next girlfriend .. and what horror stories he will tell her about me. He will switch everything around and blame me. I really do feel sorry for the next girl. I was actually thinking this morning about the start of my relationship with my abuser. I recall a time when we hadn't moved in yet. It really wasn't a big deal.. but i remember going out to dinner for a friend birthday. I wanted to have a couple drinks, but he didn't want to drive so I had to and I never had a couple drinks. He didn't even think about me at all... it was all about him not wanting to drive. He never drank by the way. He just didnt want me to drink and him drive! how stupid! All about him.. being selfish again!! yes the recovery after abusive relationships is a long haul it seems. But with each day it gets better and better. It gets easier and easier as days and months pass. That is why a lot of people say not to get in any relationship right away after abusive realtionship, because we need time to heal ourselves.
Good Luck!
Lauren