I think I may be in trouble
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| Sun, 10-29-2006 - 11:56am |
Hi- I posted this in the wrong spot here so I am reposting---
Hey gals-
I think I have a little trouble-
Please stand by for a little babble- I need to talk.
I have been in an affair for some time now-yes-obviously mistake number one- please don't lecture me on this point.
He has been very stifling of my personal life- (surprise)- as a result I have decided to go ahead and do some things anyway and just not tell him and in some cases he has caught me and this, of course, constitutes lying. I'm now untrustworthy. He also thinks because I lied about some things that I have also cheated on him- which I have never done and will never do.
So- he gets drunk- and has been combining it with pain pills. He gets verbally abusive and when I have had too much I snap and talk back. Last time I told him I was not going to take his insulting calls anymore that night. I unplugged my phone. An hour and a half later he let himself in to my house and woke me up and started hitting my head- openhanded- and pulling my hair- and yelling and threatening.
This is not the first time he has hit me- and I feel that fear- you know the one? The realy cold dread in my bowels- real fear- the one I never felt before I met him and one that warns me- my body reeacts to the tone in his voice before my brain does-
A few days after this we went through something similar where I told him I don't think I should have to take this anymore and that I won't have a boyfriend who hits me. He hung up on me and the next call was on his cel phone- I knew he was on his way and he was drunk and angry- I got dressed, grabbed a pillow and a blanket and camped out in my truck for the night, which I drove only a short way away- thankfully -because sure enough he had come over and said he was going to kill me and said I could hide as long as I wanted and he would find me - he would get me to lose my job- and go after my family and my frineds and ruin as many lives as he could for being he lying cheating b-tch I am. He broke a statuette he got me, threw my latptop at my tv but missed and hit the wall- and I have to tell you although I hate HP customer service- that is the very same laptop I am using right now so I will give credit where credit is due- HP made a sturdy machine-
The next day he didn't remember. After telling him most of what he did he stopped me claiming that I was giving him s-it.
He will not allow me to talk to him about not drinking and he will not stop or slow down.
Anytime I bring it up h says it makes him want to drink.
Also he has driven drunk and I am scared to get in the car with him but more scared not to.
I am now on a day to day where I am scared to death of what can happen. I am constantly deprived of sleep because when he is not here he is on the phone with me stys up to all hours and says things on his end that his wife has heard when he is drunk- and this has caused also many problems- yes I agree I am an idiot for being in an affair and so wrong and I will never do it again and have never done it before- like many other women I believed 'this was diferent' and you know what? it is- this is very different than anything I have ever gone through. In my own mind I almost deserve it for being - the other woman-
So- here I am- no place to go- not sure at all how serious he is (about the threats) when he is drunk or how serious he is (about me) when he is sober.
I do not believe the authorities will be able to help me-beacuse if he means what he says about my family and friends there is too much ground to cover.
I don't know how to stop this-
Everything is my fault- the fights at his home as a result of him saying stupid stuff while he is drunk is my fault according to him because if I hadn't made him angry he never would have said them- and then him getting drunk trying to escpe this stuf is my fault too- and everything else. It is primarily up to me to keep him in a good mood and that is impossible when he is drunk.
I am scared and alone and do not know what to do. I do not have the means to escape at the moment- and if he didn't drink I'm not sure I would want to- gosh if he stopped drinking i believe it would be close to where it was at the beginning- but i guess these things rarely work out that way.
One last peice I forgot to share-
I lost my license in a dui becasue one night I decided to drink and he came over and hit me (always open handed) and I ran out the door and jumped in my truck- which at the time seemed like the better choice- I never would have been driving except for this and bam! the one time- but I can't blame the police- they were doing there job and I never told them why I was behind the wheel under the influence- too worried about the ramifications.
So it seems that in the last year a few of my only once's have really come to bight me.
Anyway- thanks for listening.
M

Hon, being involved with a married man is a total separate issue from being abused.