How do I do this and WHAT do I do?!
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| Mon, 10-30-2006 - 8:33am |
I am having a very hard time right this minute. I'm very tired - Dh kept me up until nearly 0300 alternately begging me to not end our marriage and yelling at me, calling me names - we'd been fighting since about quarter to ten. We've been having problems for years and I don't really know just where to start but to deal with just the past week or so...DH said something really rude to me a week ago last Thursday. I stewed on it all weekend while he was on duty with the military. Monday he was all lovey, Tuesday went well until evening when he picked a fight. I don't remember just what it was about. Wednesday after I got home from work, I went to call up something on his computer and in his history was my name connected with a website that I find to be degrading and obscene. So last Thursday I packed up the kids and went to my mother's. I got up there and I was basically brushed off. They all jumped on me and said it was stupid of me to go up there with no plans, and no money and since I'm not a resident of that state (we live 4 hours away and into another state) no lawyer can help me so I need to go back home and kick DH out instead (and basically not bother them).
At the same time, my husband's father was very sick with an allergy to one of the heart medications he's on, and the docs can't do anything about it but give him benadryl which he can't take long term anyways. DH was crying and making all sorts of promises of course like quitting smoking and moving into his parent's house and blah blah blah.
So I came back because I had nowhere else to go. Dh was here when I got home at 0130 Friday and he kept me up for another couple hours hollering at me and giving me a hard time about it all. This weekend has been difficult. I'm so depressed about my family's rejection of me on top of what I'm dealing with with DH. He played nice all day Friday, and Saturday. Saturday night I saw a friend of mine's myspace post saying he'd called her and cursed at her and threatened her. I asked him if he'd done it and he got angry and started yelling at me. I picked up the phone to call my friend to ask her side of it, and to talk about what happened with my family, and he took the phone from me. Then he called her house and gave her boyfriend a hard time, then called her cellphone and cursed and yelled at her some more. He gave the phone to me because she kept asking to talk to me so she'd know I was ok, and after just a moment of talking he grabbed the phone again to yell and curse at her.
I got on the computer to talk to her, and he turned off my computer on me. I went into our room to watch TV and he kept turning the TV off.
Then yesterday morning my back was hurting. I asked him for a couple Tylenol and instead he gave me two Darvocet and I'm only supposed to take one so I was out of it most of the day. His parents bought him the wrong carton of smokes, so last night when I felt better I went to exchange it. I'd told him I was going up to Walmart too, and that I'd be gone an hour or so.
I went to the bookstore and went to write in my diary which had been in the van. I think he read it, but I'm not sure. So on the way home, I decided to make sure I locked the van and hid the key. As soon as I sat down with my oldest to watch TV, he said he wanted the keys to the van so that he could take the boot laces out of my daughter's boots to put in his becuase he has an inspection today (DH is in the military, DD is in the Young Marines). SO I said I'd go get it and he started flipping out.
I refused to talk to him, and he grabbed the cord of the TV to pull it out of the wall and pulled on it so hard that the TV went flying onto the floor and broke.
Then he took the kids' computer apart, and put a password on mine and his; kept going on and on trying to get me to fight. I kept refusing to talk. I stayed calm and just said that I didn't want to talk to him right then. One minute he'd be nice and the next minute he'd be screaming and yelling in my face. At one point he was saying that his parents want to disown me and that he's not going to let me have any food.
I just kept saying that I didn't want to talk to him, and tried to ignore his ranting. At one point, when he said that about his parents I took off my ring and threw it down the hallway at him.
He kept flipping back and forth between crying and begging me don't do this and making excuses like he's just flipping out because his dad is dying...then threatening me and cursing in my face and calling me names like f*&6ing b*&^h (and yes, a couple of my children had awakened during all this and witnessed it - my 10 y/o was freaking out).
I started getting a migraine around the time I finally got the girls back to sleep and I went to lay down. He STILL kept at me, trying to get me to talk and say that I don't really want a divorce and that I'll stay with him. It was 0300 before he let up on me, and not until after he made a hole in the wall above the bed with his hand. I was in SO much pain I was crying and he couldn't leave me alone until I said that I'd talk to the marriage counselor we'd been seeing first.
Then this morning he "accidentally" took my van key with him to his unit an hour away.
****So that's the most recent of all of our problems. He says that if I get a restraining order, I have to have proof. Can you get a restraining order for what is mostly verbal abuse? He says if I take out a restraining order on him that he'll lose his job with the CG because he won't be allowed to carry a gun and he'll lose his security clearance. He also says that if I leave he won't pay my rent or utilities.
I am tempted to just call his command and ask them to keep him at the station but I don't know what can of worms I'd be opening up by doing that.

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Well that didn't do me much good when I called his command. They basically just said they'd talk to him and try to calm him down and tell him to back off from me for awhile. They said to call Work Life (a CG family assistant program) and the marriage counselor we'd been seeing.
He just called a few minutes ago, asking if we could talk. Said he wasn't mad that I'd called his command, that in fact he was kinda glad I did...I just said I was in the potty and couldn't talk.
We have four kids (10, 6, 5 and 3) who are homeschooled.
I feel so alone right now. I feel like giving up.
Hi Joyfull,
Your relationship with this man has many red flags. I really belive that soon enough it will get much much worse and he will start physically abusing you and the children. Your children are homeschooled - meaning that they probably see the way he treats you. Very Bad. You do not deserve to be treated the way you are. He really sounds crazy and has a very short fuse and just so up and down. One minute he is yelling at you, the next he is all lovely dovey. Did you call the DV hotline number? I really think that you need to pack up and leave him before it gets a lot worse. It is definitley abuse with everything that you stated in the first post.
Please keep us updated and take care.
Lauren
I can't go anywhere right now - he has my van keys down at his unit an hour from here. I left last week, went home to my family, and they said to go home. I've left a couple times before this. He's been physical in the past - he kicked the chair I was sitting in and then later that night with another of his "I'll keep her awake til she's crying from tiredness and gives in" he hit me (albeit not hard - he pulled back at the last moment) in the arm (says he was just reaching for my arm to pull me up from laying down, but I know a closed fist when I see one). Called my mother then and she said too bad call your MIL. I don't know why I thought she'd be any different this time than she was a year ago.
The local shelter doesn't have room right now for me and the kids. I don't have any friends here I could stay with. The van is not in good shape and won't make it to where I do have friends (a two day trip some seven states away).
My only hope right now is to convince him to leave. Or hang in there until we get our tax return next February and get the van repaired and hit the road.
He did call back. He kept it short, saying he knew I didn't really want to talk to him right now but he wanted me to know he's not mad and that he was glad to know that I care about him. I told his command about him saying he was "just so stressed" out about an upcoming station wide standardization inspection and his father's ailing health, and they agreed that it's no reason to be going off on me like he has. I told them about the TV and the hole in the wall and everything, but I don't think they took it quite the same as I meant it.
Ok so he has been physically abusive. Has he hit you lately or your children? Have you reported anything to the police? I'm sorry about the problems with your mother, she really isn't being very supportive.
What else did the shelter say? Maybe soon they will have room at the shelter? Do you live close to any other towns or cities that have room at the shelter.
I really hope your H is okay that you called the commander. Maybe he is okay now but I really hope he won't be mad at you later tonight when he gets home.
Lauren
No, nothing physical since a year ago. The local shelter said they'd call me as soon as they have room for us, but there's no telling how long that might take. I could go elsewhere, but I don't know where to go. Next biggest town is an hour away in either direction (north or south).
No, my mother isn't supportive and I've definitely given up in that area. In alot of ways I went from one problem to another between leaving mother's house (at 17 - I enlisted which is where I met DH; we got married 4 1/2 months later.) and marrying DH.
I should have left seven years ago when he had his affair with a coworker while I was pregnant with DS.
DH isn't scheduled to be home until Wednesday morning. I don't want to be here when he gets back, but without that van key I'm stuck.
I can't belive he took the key. He just knows that you want to leave and he is trying to make you stay!! Well he has been physically abusive... so he is physicall/emotionally and verbally abusive. It will get worse. He has hit you before and I wouldnt be suprised if he hits you again. Is there any buses that could take you to a shelter in either direction? Is there anyway you could talk with your mother and tell her your dilemma that you are in. There is no way that she could drive you and your kids to a safe place? I don't want to scare you, but I am afraid of what H will do when he gets back on Wednesday. I really think you need to leave by then.. I really hope you can find a way. Also, don't beat yourself over that you didn't leave 7 years ago. I bet he apologizes over and over and cried and said he would change and everything else!! You probably already called the DV Hotline right?
Lauren
No buses. At this point, I know my mother doesn't care. Remember, I was just at her house last Thursday where I was told to go home, kick him out & get a restraining order, put the kids in school and get a job and THEN call her sometime - she can help me but I've gotta do all the work first.
But I've just always wanted to hope that she'd turn around, even though she's never been there for me and has told me that if she could have had a legal abortion (1975 when I was born) she wouldn't have had kids.
As to DH - he said he "accidentally" took the key. Before he'd left he asked if he could take the $5 from my wallet for some mountain dews. I said it was in my wallet in the van, so he took the key and came back and TOLD ME "thanks, I locked the van back up" which come to find out he did NOT do. The van is unlocked, so I know he intentionally took the dang key.
My friend emailed a screen shot of her phone log from Vonage proving that he did call her, so I have proof that he was lying about that.
Apology, crying, promises that go unfulfilled...yeah, been there more times than I can count in the past six nearly seven years. And I'm to blame for the affair and everything else that's been wrong in our marriage from day one.
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