How Should I handle the verbal abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
How Should I handle the verbal abuse?
7
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 2:36pm
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Edited 1/13/2007 9:36 pm ET by freetimesurfermom
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 4:01pm

I was the same way with my abuser. I would cry and cry and he would just yell at me. It is a horrible feeling. Have you filed any police reports about how he treats you.. or do you have any records (pictures, e-mails) of the way he treated you. That is what abusers do.. they are evil people around the ones they say they love, but as soon as they are around an authority figure they are Mr. Nice & Perfect. I don't really know what to say to him when he rages. I just went along with it. I would apologize and say sorry. I would just do what I thought I needed to do to make him calm down. I realize that this really isn't the advice that you were hoping for... but that was really what I did.

You delete all the cookies and history right? I don't know if you would want to, but you could set up a journal online. I go to www.livejournal.com You set up an account with a password and username. You would still need to delete the history and cookies tho.. just to be safe.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2005
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 6:15pm
I've just become a broken record as much as possible. I'm not going to talk to you about that right now. I'm not going to talk to you about that right now. It does get him mad, but it helps me to stay calm. I don't have to think of saying anything but that one phrase.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 7:07pm

That is what abusers do.. they are evil people around the ones they say they love, but as soon as they are around an authority figure they are Mr. Nice & Perfect.

This is what my H does. When we are around Family he is Mr. Nice, funny, easy to get along with, ect ect.
When we are at home with the kids he will act really nice to them and just kind of Ignore me but whe we are alone he will be nice when talked to but he ignore me most of the time but when i talk about sex he almost shuts down and wont talk.
The only time H wants sex is when he knows that i'm getting mad at him, cause i get really quiet and wont talk to him. By this time i'm not in the mood for sex or anything else from him for that matter.
My H has most of my family on his side anyway so i have no sapport group if and when i make him leave....

Dolphin_Min
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 7:31pm

You have support right here. We are all here for you. It might not be the same ... but we are still here to listen, offer advice and just be here for you. Remember that okay.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 2:41pm

I am recently out of an abuse situation. However, he didn't think it was abuse because he didn't raise his voice. He is just like his mother :( They can rip you apart and make you want to thank them for doing so. I have read alot of articles, books etc on abuse of all different kinds. One book in particular is good. "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. It outlines several different kinds of abuse. What I learned is that abuse is all about control, not anger. It took 20 years, an affair and lots of 'discussions' before I finally decided that to save "me", I needed to get out. Noone can tell you when the time is right, or even 'if' the time is right. You alone, will know when you've had enough. The final straw came for me when I saw him showing signs of starting the same thing on our 14 yrold daughter. I decided that enough was enough. I had to show the kids that moms don't deserve to be treated like doormats!

Pray, post and read. I will be thinking of all of you.

Brenda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 6:06pm

Brenda,

I saw myself in your post. God it's scary sometimes that so many of us have parallel stories. This board saved my sanity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 11:54am

Thank you so much. You have no idea how good it feels to know that I am not alone! I have wondered if I was imagining the abuse? Because I have no physical signs, I was afraid noone would believe me. He just laughs when I refer to feeling abused. He claims that I am the one doing the abusing. I'd like to ask him when he ever felt afraid of me and when I ever had that much control? There were days when I felt like I would never stop walking on egg shells. We were married for 20 years before I finally threw in the towel. It is amazing how slowly the abuse snuck up on me. How much I accepted the control and even liked it in the beginning. The ability to make me feel guilty is one he has down pat. Maybe that was what attracted me to him in the first place. He could see that I was raised on guilt. My parents as good as they are, can still make me feel guilty after all this time. I think that is a trait of that generation. The more I read, the more I learn about the different types of abuse. I can't believe how many women there are out there that just put up with it. Keep smiling!

Brenda