OVERTHINKING everything- anyone BTDT?
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| Mon, 10-30-2006 - 3:26pm |
Hi, everyone-
My relationship is in the buildup stage right now- which means nothing is happening to fuel my fires, so I'm just trying to sort out what I'm going to do when everything comes crashing down again- which I know it will. This is a big one for me:
OK- I work full time, and so does DH, but apparently we live WAY beyond our means. We have roughly $20,000 in credit card debt, $140,000 mortgage, and then our utilities and cable. IF he abused me tomorrow, and I either left with the kids, or if I was able to get him removed from the home, what happens? We don't make enough money to support two households- do you just stop paying the bills, or do the best you can...
I have family in another state, but if I leave him with the kids to go stay with my family, I'm afraid he will say I'm kidnapping his kids?
I don't know if I'm trying to use these things as excuses for why I can't leave- I just need to answer these questions. Will a lawyer help with ALL of these questions?
I'd love to hear from the women who just did it- either left or kicked him out? How did these things get resolved. Thanks!
Beth

Beth..
Thanks for that message. I would also like to know how others do it.. Everyone says just leave, just leave.. Well, this is my 2nd marriage (my first hubby and I just eneded up different people he wasn't abusive) and the first time my kids and I lost everything. Our home, my vehicle etc. All I ended up with was 1/2 of the credit card debt and trying to find an apartment which he had to co-sign for because I had such a low paying job!!! I'm still trying to pay off the Credit Cards and it's been about 8 years. Yes, I married again and things were good for a year or so, now I have an abusive alcoholic who is much worse than anything I could imagine.
But it's easy to say just leave. I've still got CC debt, a house with a mortgage, car payments etc. How do you just start all over again?? I don't have any family so I have no where to run or no help. I just don't think I have the strength to do this again. I just keep folling myself into thinking it's easier to just live with it.. even though that is proving impossible. He threatens us and the alcohol consumption is increasing by leaps and bounds. As horrible as it sounds sometimes I just wish his liver would give out or something would just happen to him.
It will be interesting to see how others do this..
Hi Beth,
I really don't have any advice for you right now. I did not have any children with my abusers so I unfortunatley don't know much about it. I would have a feeling that he would say you kidnapped them. Do you have any police reports about the abuse?
The only suggestion that I have is to call the DV hotline # 1.800.799.SAFE
They will be able to help you more than I can....
Hang in there. You are doing good. The first step really is to realize that you are in an abusive realtionship, and you already realized that.
Lauren
First and foremost good luck with whatever you decide is right for you and your children.
How things work largely depend on the state where you live. At the very least, he will be required to provide you with some form of child support. How much will depend on your state and financial situation (lets face it you can't get blood from a stone). Spousal support, again, will depend on your state and financial situation.
I decided to leave my H because I realized that if I didn't there would be nothing left of me emotionally to care for my children. For me it means a drastic downsizing of my life but I'm actually looking forward to it. I've been told by friends and family (even my physician noticed the difference) that since I've made the decision to leave, I appear to be much happier. Guess what I am. That's not to say I'm not scared of the future but I now feel like I can breathe again!
Some lawyers will do an initial consultation for free. Check around and see if you can meet with a few (never go to just one - they'll promise you the moon to get your business).
Good luck. Let us know what you decide.
Thanks for the replies and support- I think I need to start checking out lawyers, but Greenlady- you make a good point, which scares me also. I'm afraid the lawyers are all going to tell me what I want to hear, and not what I need to know, especially with the whole custody thing.
I want to move to PA (I live on St. Louis now) where all of my family and emotional support is. I've never had a problem finding work, so I'm not too concerned about being able to find a job and support myself and the kids. And I know my family would help out financially if I needed it where a lawyer is concerned.
However- since I know that DH will never agree to separate, and never agree to leave the house, I just keep wondering if the next time he gets abusive, I should just take the kids to PA, and fight it from there, or if I should tell him my intentions now, and start fighting for custody and divorce from here (but then it could possibly go on for years and years, and I'm stuck in St. Louis with no emotional support, and the two households issue I discussed in my first post).
Uggggh- there's just so many questions. Unfortunately, I've never been a go-getter, and I've heard conflicting stories regarding the custody between 2 states issue, and I let my lack of information get to me. My family seems to think that I should swallow DH's s**t for now (he's not physically abusive, to me or the kids), get him to move to PA with me (which he has agreed to do, but I'm not sure if he will when push comes to shove), and then once he starts up with his old tricks, boot him out, and then file for divorce once we are both in PA. I halfway agree with them, but I hate being deceptive to him, and I hate the thought of having to swallow more s**t. I know I've done it for so long, what's a few more months, but now that I'm so much more knowledgeable about the abuse, it's hard to sit there and take it.
Lauren- I don't have any police reports or really any documentation of the abuse. As I said, he's not physically abusive, so I haven't had to call the police. I have been (over the last month) recreating a timeline, and documenting the things he does now (the comments, getting in my face, saying inappropriate things in front of the kids), but I guess really, at this point, it's just my word against his...
Thanks for letting me vent- it soothes me just a little bit to get it out there!
Beth
Beth,
Don't give up - you'll find a way to do this. Check internet sites regarding divorce law in your state. You might not get all the answers but you may get some direction. Be careful, PA might not be a better state to initiate the divorce! If your family can help you with the money, you may need to spend about $500 per consultation (that's what I paid) but it will be worth the money. I consulted with three different attorneys and got similar stories from each so I felt comfortable moving forward (by the way, my H is an attorney so I had to be super careful who I spoke to). I also found out that my state (NJ) was more favorable to my situation then some other neighboring states. I also discovered that I could divorce my H without his cooperation (it just may take a while).
Good luck and when you start to feel scared and overwhelmed, come here and post. We'll help you thru it.