weekends stink
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| Tue, 10-31-2006 - 9:10am |
I have the hardest time over weekends. Two whole days of anxiety cause H is home and I anxiously await the comments. Sat night, while DS sat on my lap, he laid into me, he wasn't going to be my villian anymore, call and see if I can get into the house I knew about, I have all these issues of my own and he can't deal with them, blah, blah! Sun came an apology (I've only heard 3-4 of those ever), with tears in his eyes, he explained he was just hurt becuase I hate him, he was losing his family. Do you know what I do? Give in a bit of course, try talking about the situation, in the end of course, it all turned to me. What was I doing about school? Was I going to get a job? Of course! On top of raising my 6 kids, a 3 year old I stay home with and the 3 days a week I do day care!
He doesn't know that I know, but he had an appt with a lawyer Mon. So, I feel weak and stupid and manipulated all over again. I emailed my lawyer this morning, caught him up on things. You know what? I hope I freaking get served, it would be cheaper on me. I would actually be happy if he got the wheels turning, I'm so darn indecisive.
Sorry for the negative, needed to vent!

You don't need a JOB, you have a job, only you don't get paid. Having 6 children & having a home daycare is the hardest unpaid job out there,I stayed at home,exactly where he wanted me at for 14 yrs. I have 3 children & I also had a home daycare in my home 5 days a week w/ 4-5 children. He never considered that a REAL JOB. So now thanks to my wonderful neighbor I have a REAL job outside of the home, but he still does not consider it a REAL job. So see ,your husband will not be happy if you had another job. Their goal is to use us as much as we let them. I have finally figured this out! They are choosing to explode at us. They don't explode at work or around family or friends. They know what they are doing.I am trying to get myself financially able to leave him, but I probably need to go ahaed & leave. I wish you the best of luck.
I'm having a better day, thankyou. I'm just as scared as you are. But really, if you think about it, the stress of being on our own will be nothing compared to the stress from them. I haven't been wearing my ring for awhile. I used to wear it on and off, I'd start to feel as though I'd lost a part of my identity, like if people thought I was a single Mom it was wrong, and kept putting it back on. How silly! I don't miss it at all anymore. Don't you hate when thepull the Jekyll/Hyde crud? It takes you on this awful emotional roller coaster, never allowing you to deal with problems, cause you take the good whenever you can get it. I think H knows I'm done. I've never seen him this way, he can't take not knowing. He's looked through my notebook, thinking I had a boyfriend, ended up reading feelings I had about him that he'd rather not have known.
I know it's scary. I'm sorry it's one of those sickly feeling days for you. I have those, than some where I'm more confident, than confused, terrified. But we're doing it, getting there. We know it's right. Do you ever feel like there used to be a part of you, like just your inner voice or gut feeling, that you found you were ignoring? I did, hearing it again feels great! Your in my thoughts and prayers too! Best of luck!