I left ... then went back... So DUMB.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
I left ... then went back... So DUMB.
2
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 11:21am
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 12:55pm

Amy-

First things first- YOU ARE NOT DUMB! You are empathetic and sympathetic, which he is not! I don't know the exact statistic, but I have read that an abused woman will generally leave her partner 9-11 times before it actually sticks. I get scared when I hear that because I've only left DH three times in the 20 years, and each time it was only overnight, and then I was back.

You know- it's SO hard to leave! You had a picture of what your life would be like when you married him, and that's hard to give up. But remember- you are giving up the picture- you know your life is NOT the fairy tale as you pictured it! That's one of the reasons I stayed with my DH for so long. I'm ashamed to admit that I was buying into his fantasy- all our friends saw us as the couple with the nice house, three cars, healthy kids, who respected each other and didn't fight. I would see my friends get divorced, shack up with someone new right away, then have another kid. etc, I would always say "well- I don't want that to happen to me." I was proud of my long marriage, outlasting almost everyone I knew. But at what price? It took me a LONG time to see my marriage for what it was- a farce to everyone looking in. We can be married forever if I'll continue to be the doormat, the blame for all of his problems, his maid, his nanny. But where are my benefits? Where is the working together as a team? Where is the emotional support?

Anyway- I think you need to think of what happened as just a step in what may be a long journey. You seem to be very doubtful of everything he's saying. It's not like you said "Oh- I left, and then I felt bad, so we talked, and he promised he'd change, and he's just the best guy in the world. It was all my fault and I'll try not to make him mad again." No- you have your eyes open now, and that's all you can really ask of yourself. When you get the stregnth to leave him again- you will. When you've had enough, you'll leave. And maybe come back. We are not perfect, and we are very empathetic- that's why they choose us. You just have to believe that if it's the best thing for you and your daughter, you WILL do it.

I'm glad to hear that you have the support of your family- that's very important for you. Just please remember not to be so hard on yourself.

Hope you and DD have a Happy Halloween in spite of it all!

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 1:16pm
First of all you are not dumb. This is a normal part of the victims cycle or process(leave,come back,leave come back...). But,as you can see, nothing has changed. In fact, things will most likely escalate. I know how physically and emotionally draining this situation is. I know that you think if we could just talk things over maybe we can work things out. I was told that you can not reason with an abuser. That is something I am still trying to learn. Try to seek help from a domestic abuse counselor or call a help line; do whatever it takes to give you the courage to leave permanently, otherwise he will keep sucking you back into his web of abuse. It will never be easy especially since you have a child with him(I have a son). I told myself when my son was a baby that he doesn't know what's going on and that maybe in time things would get better, but now I do think he felt the tension. When he got old enough to hear and see what was happening, I knew I had to do something. Like a fool, I tried marriage counseling again. It finally hit me when he said the words, "There is nothing wrong with me. I do not have to change but you do." That's all it took. When you are ready, when you have reached the point that enough is enough, you can leave again. It is great that you have family that supports you; we will too. They are probably confused and maybe in time you'll be able to explain things to them.
I'll keep you and your precious baby girl in my thoughts and prayers.