Was I abused ?
Find a Conversation
Was I abused ?
| Tue, 10-31-2006 - 4:37pm |
He never hit me.........but said sometimes he wanted to.He would put me down for not looking like a movie star 24/7 and then when I would doll up, I would be accused of having a boyfriend ! And I felt like I could do nothing right or good enough. And it seemed like anything I enjoyed or was interested in, was some how wrong. For example,I've always enjoyed exercise and staying in shape, he even commented that he liked the fact that I took good care of myself, so after I had my 2 boys my body wasn't in very good shape. So I bought an exercise bike. One day he came in the door and said that he was going to take a nap in his recliner, I was getting ready to ride my bike and I kept it out of the way in the living room, and that's where his recliner is, so I moved it into our bedroom, just got started at a good pace, he comes in and says, you need to move that thing, I'm going to take a nap in here, so I moved it again. No sooner got on it and here he comes back in the living room. So, I gave it up. Decided I was only going to work out when he wasn't home. And other things too. I enjoy reading, crocheting, gardening and was collecting porcelain dolls. After I would get him and the boys fed and taken care of,I would do one of these activities, he would be watching tv, totally ignoring me, and then all of a sudden he would accuse me of doing whatever it was to ignore him! And my dolls I kept in our bedroom and was out of the way.I didn't have a lot, I love them but didn't want to over do it. All of a sudden one day he decides that they aren't necessary and tells me that I need to get rid of them! It broke my heart, but I got rid of them.I started to feel like he was happier with nothing of me in the house!And this past christmas he bought me a 3 foot tall porcelain angel, it shocked me, but I really loved it! One day he gets in one of his moods and tells me he don't know why I bought that thing but it needs to go ! I was so confused! I didn't buy it! And I wasn't getting rid of it either..............I left! Was this abuse..........I really need to know?!

Pages
Hi there,
I'm so sorry to hear of your situation.
In answer to your question, I would say it was/is abuse. One thing to keep in mind, abuse isn't just about hitting. My STBX never hit me (he just threatened once and acted threatening many times). Abuse is often about control. Your partner is successfully controlling you, keeping you off balance, making you feel like there is something wrong with you - like your crazy. Guess what, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU (sorry for shouting).
Abuse is not always black and white or crystal clear. If you tell your story to others who haven't been there done that they might suggest that you're being overly sensitive or somehow to blame. You are not. If your relationship is leaving you feeling beat up then it is most definitely abuse. I would suggest you get a copy of the book Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft - it will answer many questions that you have.
I would also suggest you read many of the posts here. I have no doubt that you will find similar stories from other women. Bottom line is your relationship shouldn't leave you feeling like cr@*.
Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
I feel like you really know what I'm talking about..........so glad I found ivillage.......have really needed to have someones input that's totally unbiased. Again, thanks so very much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes. In my case, it was my music. After I started staying home full time, I decided that I'd join the local community band and choir, but he complained all the time about me having rehearsals when he was home (he's in the military and not home every night). Then when I decided to quit a little early because we would be moving before the season was over, he said I'd never been that great at it anyways (my main instrument is the trumpet, but I also play flute and ring handbells).
If I was reading something, then I was ignoring him. I stopped reading for the longest time. Not even the newspaper!
I could go on, but I think you get the picture and I don't want to turn this into my story but rather focus on yours. From what I'm learning, it's a common thing.
Yes this is abuse. This man is destroying your heart, mind and soul. Bit by bit he will succeed in doing this, until there is nothing left. Don't let it get to this. You sound like a beautiful and strong woman, you need to get rid of this man.
He is playing mind games with you. Do you sometimes feel like you are living with two people in one body? Dr Jekyll and mr. Hyde?
It starts out like this, everything you like or enjoy doing is wrong to him, nothing is good enough for this man. soon, the name calling will begin, and then the physical abuse will soon follow. My advice to you is, get out while there is still time.
I can't stand that word. I think it's the most degrading thing a woman can be called!
No worries..........I left 3 months ago...........and I'm not going back!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for your wonderful words..............my self esteem was totally gone..........but every day I'm getting better !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, it was abuse. People seem to understand in a general sense that there is such a thing as emotional abuse. But they don't really get how damaging it can be - for me, the emotional abuse from my ex was so much harder to take than the physical ever was. The physical would happen and then be over - the emotional never ended and hurt much worse, and didn't heal either. This is controlling, abusive behavior and you don't deserve it! Just wanted to jump in with some support and let you know that you are absolutely right. And that I know how you feel and I'm thinking of you.
Hugs,
Deborah
Oh, and congrats on leaving! I'm so glad to hear that. It's a big step - kudos to you!
Deborah
Definitely abuse.
Pages