dont know how to stop it
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 11-01-2006 - 4:39am |
I want to share my story with you hoping that reading might help some of you to recongnize when u ware being abused and hoping that some of you might have some advice or some kind words if you have got out of a domestic violence situation.
I've been married for 3 years, im 23 with a baby 9 months.
My husband started being abusive towards me even before the wedding happened.
I have been doing therapy for 5 years, my parents were alcoholics and i was almost sexually abused as a child by my stepdad, my therapist has been through a lot of things with me and the day before the wedding i had my session and i remeber telling her that i didnt really want to go through with it but everybody was expecting it to happen and no-one dreamt what was going on behind closed doors.
My H was a refugee and lied to me when i met him, he had told me he was from Spain and even lied about his parents being divorced to led me to belive he was like me and he'd been through the same kinds of emotions...As we got closer and i trusted him more and more, he recognised my fragility and told me the truth about who he was (because i found a credit card on a different name) he very cleaverly told me that he had lied in fear that i might have never given him a chance if he had told me the truth in the first place, i stupidly believed him ( he was so sweet and caring @ beggining).
Then he started telling me that he might have been deported if he didnt get the right documents and he led me to believ that i had to marry him and he was the man of my life and that it was up to me to save our relationship from an imminent deport blody bla bla.
I feel so stupid, but i fell in the trap, i married him because i was to scared to stand up for my self, because after years of abuse i didnt believ in myself i needed someone alse to do it for me he was perfect for the job.
I have never been truly happy because as i said he started being emotionally mentally and phisically abusive towards me very ealry in the relat. I tried to leave him many times got the courage to do it, but then he would cry buy flowers beg me bla bla bla and i wld fall in the trap again, believing: he does love me he is the only one thnat ever loved i am the bad one the selfish one the one that wants to leave him and give up.
When i got pregnant he started abusing me even more, one day i thought he was going to kill me, he put his hand on my mouth covering both my mouth and my nose i couldnt breath i was crying and terrified on the bed he was on top of me and then he got off me and got scared of himself and let me go.
He told me i woudl never see my baby once born he told me i was this and that destroyed me inside... I was working full time at the time and nobody knew about anything...
The police was called on one occasion (by the neighbours)they came and had a chat with both of us separately but when they left i had the impression that he had worked them around his little finger like he does with everyone alse.
he is very polite good looking well spoken he helps everybody he is funny and he's always making jokes a handyman, everyone loves him and respects him, but what they dont know is that when he's alone with me its like Dr Jekill and Mr Hide, he's got something bad to say about each one of them, specially my family never his, my mum, my dad my brother, he says things that i woudlnt let anyone say but somehow with him its the norm.
i have let myself and my family down.
When 4 months pregnant i left him and gave him reasons, i went to stay in a hostel and i applied for a flat, before delivering my baby he was back in my life, saying how much he loved me, he would do anything he was going to do coucelling bla bla, needless to say i belived him once again. two weeks after my baby was born he actually told me he didnt mean any of those things he said. I tried to leave him but it was too son after my babys arrival, i wasnt strong enough. Whenever i try and talk to him its like he brainwashes me i end up believing that iw as wrong in thinking that and that he does love us and that without him we wouldnt be so happy.
I dont know how to resolve this as i dont think he will listen to what i have to say rationally and i have read somewhere that abusers cannt reason about their behaviour.
I am living in the flat that i applied for and he is not even in the tenancy agreement but he scares me i dont know how to break up with him, i have come to believe its not possible, that i have lost my sould and i am now his slave forever.
i feel so sad when i look at my baby and im thinking this because there is so much i want to give her and he is taking it away from me he is taking precious time off us. I dont want arguments i dont want to upset him in front of the baby im scared of the consequences i do everything as not to upset him, but i cannot cope anymore with it i want my life back.
I have some family abroad and i was thinking of leaving for a few weeks asking him to pls pack his stuff and leave my flat but im not s ure it would be that easy...
Im so scared that tomorrow or even this evening all of this will sound so stupid to me because he would have made me believe that it is so.
Has anyone got any advice? Please
One last thing before i go, i use to beat up bullies in school, i use to defende all my school mates who got bullies, i was so brave so strog where has all of that gone? How can this possibly be me? I have no life left but cooking cleaning and waiting for him to come back and tell me its not enough...
Any replies appreciated im sorry if its long and good luck to all of u.
No-one deserves this but why cant i stand up for my self?

I have been married for 20 years , have 2 sons, 17 and 19 years old(I'm 37), and I have put up with a lot of mental abuse from him all these years. I would always ask myself, why do you stay.............the answer was I didn't know. He would tear me down and smooth it over............constant roller coaster. Has never hit me but has let me know sometimes he'd like to!!!!! I left him 3 months ago. I am starting a whole new life, the life I always wanted but was too afraid and too beaten down to try. I actually start my job today, am studying for my college entrance exam and it may sound a little too soon, but I have met someone who is totally incredible !!!!!!!!!!!! He was the first person to tell me that I wasn't crazy for believing that I had been abused by my husband. It's kind of hard to hear compliments because always in the back of my mind I'm thinking.........well when's the put downs gonna start?
My best advice is get out of there.......... for your sake and the babys. Your are in danger and you don't want to risk that he may start on her too!!!!!!!! And not trying to freak you out but, if he does kill you, guess who will have the baby..........HIM !!!!!!!!
I know you are scared and I know how easy it is to be sweet talked by them, but be strong, just think of the baby and realize she's in as much danger as you...........your protective motherly instinct will take over and give you the strength and courage you need! And as far as leaving your flat..............If that's how you can get away, just do it!!!!!!!!!! Let friends be there to help you........... you can make a home anywhere as long as you have your baby.
Hope I have helped.............Good luck to you and your sweet babygirl..........look in her eyes and find the strength you need!
Hi Sexy
Thankfully i wasnt sexually abused to the full extent as my stepdad got freaked out after inappropriately touching me, and my mum was in the house at the time i also told her and she ignored me she was actually trying to get back with him saying he was the man of her life and this and that, i know the pain of ur own mother ignoring u is actually worst than the fear and terror i experienced when he was getting to close for comfort. I really feel for u because a child should never go through something as horrific as this, and a woman shoudl never go thorugh what u have been and what im going through and many other women like me.
Has ur mother turned around and said sorry to u?
My mother has and it has been a real shock for me, she has stopped drinking and she has repeatedly told me that if she was her own mother she wouldnt know what to do she said she remebers that time when he was going in my bedroom and that she takes responsibility for not standing up for me, but it does mess with my brain, i do think that im in this sit because deeply down i believe im a bad person im not worth anything...
I want to leave him but i dont know how and i dont know if im capable anymore becuase my energy seems to have been taken all by his brain washing, i might try and talk to him but i know that he will ignore me and be abusive or charming and brainwash me or threaten me ti drop my case against him and just get on with the housework the cooking the sex whatever it is that he wants.
Im scared that he is going to make my life a living hell once i leave him im scared of everything i dont know who i am anymore because i wasnt like this once.
Im so glad that u are getting on with ur life and u left the painful days behind just make sure u keep on going and u never look back, i wish u all the best and good luck to ur little ones too.
Im sure life will reward ur strenght with lots of happiness that u deserved a long time ago...
Luna
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. You know I was in a situation similar to yours, but I don't have kids. You don't deserve to be degraded, yelled at, to be called names and to be physically abused. I know what it's like to be waiting all day anxiously anticipating what your bf or husband might do tonight. Having to watch what you say, constantly walking on eggshells, it's one of the worst possible things you have to go through in life.
Abusers are experts at what they do. That is why it is so hard to realize that it's him who has the problem, and most certainly not you with the problem. He is brainwashing you. But you know what? I know you can leave this man.
My abuser used to brain wash me all the time. He used to convince me that I was the problem. For years I believed him. I stayed with him for 6 years, four of which were abusive, emotionally, psychologically and physically. But one day, I realized that despite what he said to me I didn't believe him anymore. I began to see that he was the one with the problem.
One day you will get the strenghth to leave this horrible person, you are just not ready at this point. Your heart will tell you when you are ready. One day I just packed my bags and left, I didn't even know that I was ready to leave, until after i'd already left. (does that even make sense?) the fact that you are thinking about it, whether or not you know this means that you are getting closer and closer to leaving this man. Go and stay with your familly who lives abroad, begin a new life, Chapter two.
You'll be ready for this in time, because life is beautiful and way too short. Hang in there, I know you will leave this man.
Welcome to the board selly-stella :o)
The most important part of your post is that you know you are being abused. You have already crossed that bridge and made the first step and realizing and understanding that what he is doing is wrong. It is difficult to make the next step to pack up and leave, but it is possible. I seem to tell people a lot that you will just know when the time is right. Leaving is different for everyone. Sometimes it will take days, or months, or even years. Nobody can pressure you to leave. You need to leave on your own. You are a strong woman deep down, it has just been hidden for so long. Emotional abuse takes a long time to heal. It takes longer to heal then the bruises on the outside. The bruises are burried deep deep down. The scars are still there.
I am not sure if you have heard about the abuse cycle.. but I will tell you anyways. It starts as the build-up stage, then heads up and up to the explosion followed by the hearts and flowers stage. (When he apologizes, buys you flowers, cry) Don't beat yourself about going back to him many times. I went back to my abusers a bunch of times and I gave him many chances. But, he made me believe that he would get better... he really had a way in convincing me to stay. It isn't you... it is him. He is the problem. The only way to get away from the abuse cycle, is to end it with him and leave.
My abuser said mean things about my family too. It really hurt. He wouldn't let my mom come and see when when I had to get my wisdom teeth out. He turned it all around on him, he never thought about me. I have also let myself and my family down. But it does get better. You are not at fault here. He is the problem, not you. He is controlling you and it is very hard to break away from his power and control.
If/When you do break up with him... You name is on your place. I am not sure if he would leave, you might need the police around. I would also suggest getting a restraining order against him because he does know where you live. Abusers are very unpredictable.
Keep us updated okay. We are all here for you.
Lauren
Hey Sexy_06 :o)
First of all, I want to say I'm proud of you for leaving your husband after 20 yeara! That is a huge accomplishment. I just wanted to say a few things. You said that you have already met somebody only after 3 months of ending your relationship? I am a little concerned, because reading you post, I feel that you might need a little more healing time. I am happy to hear how wonderful it is, but I just don't want you to get wrapped up in another bad guy. I am not in any way telling you what to do, I am just letting you know what I feel. Abusers are very happy and charming and perfect in the beginning of the relationship, so just be on the lookout for warning signs.
The book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft is a wonderful book. If you haven't read it yet, I would really suggest you look into buying it.
Here is the board website. I believe there is a warning list on there.
http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm
Take Care!
Lauren
"one day i thought he was going to kill me, he put his hand on my mouth covering both my mouth and my nose i couldnt breath i was crying and terrified on the bed he was on top of me and then he got off me and got scared of himself and let me go."
OMG I had the EXACT same thing happen to me - and it was the first time it ever occurred to me that he might actually kill me one day. I know what it's like to feel like there's nothing left of YOU - you don't even know who you are anymore but whatever good qualities were there are gone. It was the very worst time of my entire life, and I actually considered suicide. I know how hard it is to leave, so I won't just tell you to do it - I know it doesn't help.
I WILL, however, tell you how I did it. I wasn't strong enough to leave him. I tried so many times, and he always suckered, manipulated, and guilted me back when I was lonely and sad. So I made plans to move out of state. And I did. I knew that as long as I was living in the same city as him, he'd always manage to get me back. So I moved across the country, hoping that would do the trick - and it did. I never saw him again. It was incredibly hard, and terribly lonely, but it worked. I did have some terrible "withdrawals," so to speak, and spent some time on the phone with him, but I knew I never wanted to be with him again. I'm telling you this because you mentioned you had family out of the country - so I thought it might be a good idea for you to go stay with them for a while, until you can get him out of your system.
You'll be amazed how much better you feel once the worst of it wears off - and then you'll know you can manage without him. I wholeheartedly agree with the poster who said to find the strength in your daughter. You know you don't want her to grow up like this. You can do ANYTHING for her. You are her momma!
In the meantime, know that there are many of us who have been there/are there now, and know exactly how you feel. You're not abnormal, and you're not alone.
Hugs,
Deborah
Stella, welcome.