Don't know how to let go!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Don't know how to let go!
13
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 4:30pm
This is my first time here and any advice or comments are greatly appreciated. I'm in an abusive relationship (verbal & physical) and I don't know how to let go. I know he isn't the one for me, but I hate being alone and I feel like what if I don't find another. I also feel like it is my fault the way he treats me and so when he tells me I guess I deserve it. We have been dating for almost 3 years now and nothing has changed. We go through our honeymoon periods, but then he goes back to his old ways. He has cheated on me numerous times and yet he won't admit to it. I don't trust him so I'm constantly questioning his whereabouts, etc. I finally got the nerve to leave and wasn't answering his calls, but I caved in and went back. He manipulates me so well and it works. This last time though was the worst that I have ever gotten it. Like I said we had been off and on and well his birthday came around and he wanted me to spend it with him, so i did. I'm not a big drinker and not really a party animal, where as he loves to go out and party, etc. We got into an argument and he stormed out of the bar. His friends and family told me to let me cool off and not to go after him and so I didn't. He told me to go outside but I was soo scared that I didn't. His family and friends wouldn't let me go out either because they know his temper. To make a long story short, he ended getting that night and I got the worst beating ever. He pulled so much hair out that it left bald spots and he cut the rest hair and my clothes and didn't stop beating me until about 3 or 4 hours later. He keyed my car. he flushe my keys down the toilet. He said it was my fault because I didn't listen to him and go outside when he asked. I had to miss 3 days of work because my face and body was so swollen and bruised. Since then he has promised not to do it again, but it did. I'm torn because a part of me does love him and I don't know why. How can I love someone who could do this to me. I guess I just need someone to talk to and seek advice. He tells me that I'm going to regret it the day I leave. I don't know what to do. I've done everything for him, catered to him and have got nothing in return. I know what I need to do, but when I talk to him the words just don't come out. Any advice

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 4:56pm

I'm a guy so I may not be able to provide the empathy a woman might. I just happened across your message and felt compelled to reply.

Don't talk to him. Not one word. When you have time with him not around, pack up your things and head for the nearest YWCA and NEVER look back. Never speak to him. Never speak to his family.

"I'm torn because a part of me does love him and I don't know why. How can I love someone who could do this to me."

Let's be clear about something: You don't love him. You feel bonded and dependent upon him. That's typical of women; that's how women pair-bond. However, this is sick, MonaLisa. I'm mean disgustingly sick.

There is no question on the topic; there's no alternative; there's no going back, no redeeming him or the relationship. Leave. Now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 5:04pm

Hi Monalisa, welcome to the board :o)

I am so sorry for what you are going thru. This is definitley classic abuse that you are describing. The very important key is that you know that you are in an abusive relationship.

It is very hard to move on and away from abusers. They make us feel like we are worthless and that we don't deserve any better and that we rely on them. That is how they make us feel... they are the last ones on earth. But the thing is, you would be way better off without him than with him. I would say it would be way way better to be alone without a man than to be with this man still. He is dangerous. Alone doesn't mean anything bad. I am alone, I live alone and I love it! I have wonderul family and friends. I am alone, but I sure think it is a wonderful thing after being with my abuser.

It is not your fault for the way he is treating you. He probably says that you deserve to be called a bitch because you are one and that you deserve to be hit because you did something. That is so not true. You are not at fault and you do not deserve to be abused.

"We go through our honeymoon periods, but then he goes back to his old ways." This would be the abuse cycle. It goes from the hearts and flowers stage to the build-up stage onto the explosion. That is what you are seeing. I am positive. The only way that it will change is if you make a stop and end the relationship.

" He said it was my fault because I didn't listen to him and go outside when he asked."
He is not taking any responsibility for this actions. This is very classic in abusers. They never take the blame. They are so quick to blame someone or something else. Whether it be you, the weather his job... it is always something elses's fault... NEVER HIS!

He will do it again. He will hit you again. He will yell at you. It is a cycle and he will do it again whether he says he will stop. They always play the I'm sorry I'll change card. You will not regret leaving him. I have not heard of one person saying that they regret leaving. I have heard everyone saying how wonderful they feel once they leave.

I had that problem too.... I loved my abuser, but I didn't know why. He treated me like crap. I am sure nobody else knew why I loved him, but I did. I still really miss him... but I am soo happy that I am out of that relationship.

Keep posting as much as you like. You are getting a lot stronger than you might realize. I never thought I was very strong, but I got out and I am becoming a lot stronger now that I am out.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 5:14pm

Hey crf...It's nice to get a guys perspective so post as much as you like.

I do agree 100% with what you posted. It is just so hard to pack up and leave like that. I'm not saying it can't happen... but it's hard. Abusers make us feel guilty about everything and they take us on rollercoaster rides. Us victims really do rely on the abusers. They brainwash us to make us feel like we deserve to be treated like that. What kind of man would do that? Ya, a disgusting sick man would.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 10:56am

Hi there,

I don't really belong on this board but I saw it today and something made me look. I saw your post and felt compelled to respond. Because I could have written every single word of it myself...8 years ago. Trust me when I say I know EXACTLY what you are going through and how it feels - how torn you are with feelings for him, hating the thought of being alone, feeling worthless and ashamed that you're "letting" this happen. You know you shouldn't stay, but you can't seem to get yourself to leave...and to make it stick. I left my abuser countless times and was manipulated back. The others are right that it's very typical.

I just wanted to offer a little support and encouragement. I certainly know it's not as easy as someone telling you to pack up and leave and then you suddenly do it. But I did want to say that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. And to mention one thing - when I finally left my abuser for good, it was sooo hard, and I was so lonely, and I did have second thoughts. But the one thing that sticks out most in my memory was the tremendous sense of PEACE. I hadn't had it for 3 years...and without him there, it was just peaceful. No constant roller-coaster, being hurt all the time. It actually shocked me what a change it was...I hadn't quite realized how traumatic my life had been until the quiet came. How I wish I'd had a board like this when I was at my lowest. I was so incredibly alone.

I know you can manage to leave him, and can survive without him. You may not know it yet, but I do. I was there, and it took me 3 years of trying, but I finally managed to do it when I hadn't a shred of self-esteem left. And when you finally do, you will be so much better for it. You really CAN have a normal & happy life! I am not over what happened to me, and have come to terms with the fact that I never fully will be. It still affects me in negative ways at times. But I HAVE moved on, and am now married to a very gentle and kind man and have a daughter who will never have to witness that kind of behavior. My point is, there is hope. I promise. In the meantime, my thoughts are with you. Do the best you can and take it one day at a time.

Hugs,

Deborah

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 7:34pm
I can totally relate to what you are saying - letting go is extremely hard. I am glad that you got the one post about it not being love, but being bonded and dependent because that certainly put another perspective on my situation. I had been in an abusive relationship off and on for about 6 years. For the first few years, I knew at moments that i was so unhappy and the manner in which my abuser spoke to me really bothered me. but I was still "in love" with him and so I held onto the good times. I totally carried that relationship but if he threw out a little crumb for me, that was always enough for me to stay in it. My abuser cheated on me too. I thought only once about 2 years ago - we broke up for about a year and a half after that. Then, when his relationship went south, he started working on me again. It was amazing how NICE he can be when he wants something. I had felt so strong at the time and I really made him work for me. That was the biggest mistake I ever made - taking him back! His mother pushed him, I think, because I suppose she looks at me as though I am a quality person and she liked me. (by the way, i am talking about an adult man here - 34 years old - but notice I think it is normal that his mommy has so much influence over him)! anyhow, I spent the last 2 years with him again and at first it was really nice, but slowly he started being verbally abusive again, criticizing me more and more, trying to get me to "take care of" him more, complained about the way I live my life, etc. This went on and just escalated over this past summer and then I saw the signs - and I found some phone numbers in his bedroom. He continually denies that he has cheated. When I think back in my mind how our relationshp was, there were many, many times over those 6 years that he would 'disappear' from me for a couple weeks - become really busy, etc. then I guess after his little flings were over, he would re-appear again. I was too blind to see or too scared to admit to myself what was happening. I wonder about this every single day - why can't I look at this guy the way my friends do? Like the pond scum that he really is! I don't deserve this and you do not either! The lying, cheating, and then turning things around on us. I still look at my caller id to see if maybe he tried calling me and I feel disappointed that he didn't. but my logical mind is saying YIPEE - he isn't in my life trying to manipulate me anymore! It is very hard to let go, but I try to tell myself that in time I will heal and my life will be so much better. And even if my abuser is happier now without me, I don't think his happiness will last - he is truly incapable of being happy. he will tire of his new girl and will always be scouting around for the next replacement. I just think until we truly believe it in our heart and mind that we deserve soooooo much better than this, we will almost tend to want them there - someone to lean on, even if they are the devil. I may not be able to give you great advice because I am dealing with all the crazy emotions myself. but I feel for you and I hope you get out of your situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 9:09am

Hello,

I am the one who posted 'what now'. I know how hard it is to leave. My DH never crossed the line to physical abuse because he knew I would leave...because I would then have hard core evidence. You have all the signs pointing towards the door.

Right now no only are you indangering yourself but you are enabling his behavior. You need to get yourself out and heal and move forward. Love will find you once you are a whole person again. The abusersjob is to beat you down into thinking that they are the only ones that will ever love you and you are not worthy of their love but they give it to you anyway out of pity. Pease for your own sake get out and heal and move on. There is a very small cahnce that if you leave and tell him to get help that some day he could come back as healthy person too....but that will not happen if you stay.

You are better than how he treats you and what he says. You and ONLY you can save yourself and be strong again.

Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 12:34pm

Thank you for the advice to all of you. Thank you too, I mean from a guy's perspective. I know what I need to do, it's just actually getting the strength to do it. He has beat me down so much and made me feel like I'm the problem, that I feel like I am. I'm not perfect and I know I nagg and bitch like every other person, but I've tried to be perfect for him and nothing is ever good enough. I just don't understand. Why not just be single? Then he won't have to worry about anybody questioning his whereabouts. What did I ever do to him to deserve this. I am afraid to be alone and I know this. The sad part is that he knows he has me wrapped around his finger. I have done everything and still nothing. I feel like I'm always on pins and needles and I have to watch what I say around him so he won't get upset. I don't understand how I could stay after everything. You would have thought this last time would have been it, but I went back. I honestly thought he was going to kill me this last time. I'm a petite woman and defenseless against him. I feel for those who can't defend themselves from an abuser (like kids) who are innocent. I'm such a bag of nerves right now and I have wasted so much time. I can't sleep at night. I become soo depressed and I'm not eating right. My weight fluctuates all the time and I hate it. Do you think this is my fault. I mean he is right about me bitching all the time and nagging. But I do it because I don't trust him and have this gut feeling and he tells me that when I have hard evidence then to question him. That I need help and I'm a nut case.

Do ya'll believe in karma? You reape what you sow?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 1:43pm

Hey MonaLisa,

Nothing will ever be good enough for abusers, EVER! You need to understand that. No matter what you do and how hard to try to be perfect they will always find flaws in something. Nothing will ever be good enough. He is all about power and control, that is why he wants you around. It really is only about power and control. He wants to own you all to himself.

No this is not your fault. You did nothing wrong here. He is in the wrong. He is the problem here. He is abusive!!! My abuser said I always bitched and nagged too, but I don't think I did it that often. I think he just said that to piss me off and to make me feel like an old bag. Or, it was one time I would nag, and he would say I nag all the time.

I do believe in Karma. I don't know why I would have to deal with an abuser? I just know that how he hurt me will get back at him 10 times worse. Well that is what I like to think.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 4:57pm

Honey, here's what happens if you leave him and you don't find someone else:


Your skin is its natural color, not blotched green and purple.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 10:21am
I am so sorry that happened to you. I will keep looking for your posts...

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