What Now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
What Now?
17
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 2:19pm

Hi,

I am new to this board. I have been in what I consider a verbally abusive relationship for 8 years. It was a gradual build until this fall when it started to intensify my DH yelling at me in front of the kids and talking to them abusively as well. He has a tremendous anger control issue. I left him and took our two children to my parents and stayed there for a week. He agreed to go to marriage counseling if we came back. Now he is trying to change, we are both trying to change. But I can not change how I feel about him. I do not love him and I don't like who I am around him. I have become neurotic about certain things and dispondant about others.

I do not want to be togehter as a couple right now but really want to make it work for the kids. I stay at home with the kids and do not want to give that up for the world. But I am not happy and that is not fair to anyone. Do I tell him that I don't love him anymore? I know he would get mad. But I need some help.

Thank you!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: memphis01
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 3:09pm

Hi Memphis! Welcome to the board :o)

First things first... I really suggest that you stop going to marriage counselling. You do not need to do any changing, he does. Marriage counselling is the worst idea when an abuser is involved. It makes you go backwards instead of getting better. If you still want to go to counselling, I suggest you go by yourself to a counsellor that specializes in Domestic Abuser. I am glad to hear that you do know you are in an abusive relationship. That is the first step.

He will get worse and worse over time. It is yelling.. but it will eventually lead to physical abuse.. even just a slap or covering your mouth. You have noticed he is getting worse, so that really tells me it is possible with this man.

I bet he is telling you everything that you need to change yourself right? My abuser did that.. he was so quick to point out everything that I needed to change. But you know what, I wasn't the one that needed to change, he was! I was always changing for him, and always trying to work things out... I was the one bending over backwards. You know what he said to me one day? That HE was the one always bending over backwards for me.. He really was screwed in the head!!!

"I do not love him and I don't like who I am around him. I have become neurotic about certain things and dispondant about others." ** This is a very important key. This is always very common. A lot of women go thru this.. we don't like who we are, we change, we feel just different.

Now... another very important key... You kids are seeing the way that he is acting towards you and them. This is not good. You and him are their role models. They look up to you and what they see they think is right... but it is very wrong. They are seeing dad yell at mom and us. They don't know any different. The sooner you get them out of the abusive situation the better.

You aren't alone out there okay. 1 out of 3 women will be in some kind of abusive situation in their life. We are all here for you. Post as much as you like or need to.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
In reply to: memphis01
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 6:29pm

Welcome to the board Memphis,

You don't deserve to be put down but your H! I'm a little under the weather today so I'll try to make sense though I might not get it quite right today.

I feel qualified to talk about the children issue because like you, I am a stay at home mom (3 kids, almost 11, almost 9, and 6). It is terrifying to consider the impact that a divorce will have on them but then the alternative is to stay and that has a negative impact on them as well. My 11 year old can very clearly repeat the stories of "when Daddy yelled at you because...". It's never a good thing for children to see one parent being abused by the other. Life will change for them - it's unavoidable. Only you can decide what to do and what is ultimately right for you. My experience is that since I started divorce proceedings - I am a happier, more relaxed person and that alone is better for my children.

good luck and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: memphis01
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 9:36am

I'm also a SAHM, I understand you not wanting to give that up. You don't love him, and you realize that you're not comfortable with who you are around him. I think if he really was dedicated to changing, he'd have gone to get himself the help he needs, without it being a condition of you and the kids going home, and I don't mean couples, I mean for him. My H recently told me he wasn't going to be my villain anymore, that I had issues of my own. Everyone does I suppose, but I though nothing more of it since I go to a counselor to help me. That won't work out his problems, neither will him telling me about all of the things I don't do well enough. You have learned to feel neurotic from the past 8 years. You never know what's coming in a relationship like this. I used to think I should keep trying, for the kids. But now the kids see a very dependent, unhappy mother. A father that runs the show, and the people in it. When I asked myself what I'd do if some guy treated one of my 4 girls the way her treats me, my answer was kick his butt! I will not take resposibility for the way he chose to treat me. But, by taking responsibility for the example I've contributed to, what these kids have seen, and knowing that they're learning that behaviour. That all makes it a little easier to know leaving is right.

Hang in there! Have you though about getting counseling for yourself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
In reply to: memphis01
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 3:15pm
You should leave as soon as you can.I have been married for 16 yrs. I have 3 girls,
The oldest is almost 15 & she has a boyfriend that is trying to control her.
I am so worried about her.So don't wait any longer. The longer you stay the worse it will
be for your children. They will think that it is ok to be in a relationship like ours.I
have not went thru the divorce yet, my consultation appt. is Mon.My girls seemed very
understanding about it. I was surprised the way that they acted. So see the kids will be fine & so will we. Good luck to you!

Melanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
In reply to: memphis01
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 11:53pm

Thank you and I am doing my own counseling...and she is telling me to trust my gut, which is awful right now. It tells me that I am nuts for taking them from their dad and at the same time tells me I am nuts for staying.

I want to hear everyones story so I know that some way I can make it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: memphis01
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 1:48pm

I hope your appt today goes well! Thanks for your opinion. After yet another bad weekend, I'm waiting to hear back from the lawyer about how to leave before filing. H hasn't done it like he said and won't hand over the financial papers. Nevermind my lack of $3000. to file. I have access to litlle more than $1000./month and that goes towards food and kids sports & clothes. I've wondered how my kids will react, don't expect much from my older girls since I won't change schools.

Fill me in on lawyer's appt! Best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: memphis01
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 2:00pm

Don't you feel like that's what you've been ignoring, is your gut feeling? We start questioning ourselves and get lost in it all. I had 2 weeks after starting counseling where I was literally locked in the bathroom every time H was here and the kids were out playing. I felt ambushed by all of the memories of hurtful things. I cried and cried, nut it started to make sense.

You will find your way. I believe we all will, thanks to all the help and stories from the people on this board. Best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
In reply to: memphis01
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 2:49pm
hey, I hope you won't think I am crazy, but my husband broke down yesterday & admitted that everything was his fault & that he wanted help & needed help. I stayed strong & told him that if he did not stay in counseling for a long time & really see that he needs help that I would leave for good. I told him that this is no life for ourselves or the kids. He seemed to be really sorry & thanked me for everything I have done for him.He also told our 2 oldest girls that he was going to get help & he knew what he had been doing was wrong. Please pray for me!! I am hoping & praying that he has seen the light. He just has too. I am very serious that I will leave if he stops going to counseling. Please tell I am not crazy for staying!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: memphis01
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 3:33pm

Of course I don't think you're crazy! You have the option of standing back, letting him take the responsibilty of going to counseling on his own, for solving his own problems. I will tell you though that my H admitted only after I was in ED, that he was 75% of our problems. However, he has done nothing other than question me since. Some of his behaviour has changed, but I found that it was too late. 8 years of everything, 8 years of adding it all up and not mattering, being here only for him, that can't be made up. He denied me comfort, compassion, companionship, intamicey (unless he needed a quickie) and on top of that, belittled my staying home w/ 6 kids (all high honor roll, & top sports pics) and everything I had accomplished with classes.

You are not crazy if you choose to stay. You believe, as I did. While I hope that everyone that does go back has a positive result, I know mine would not be. A question for you...What are you doing for you? What makes you feel good? I think we all lose a part of us, we need to make some time to find ourselves. You're always in my thoughts and prayers! Please keep me in yours! If he continues counseling, would it be alright for you to stay away while he did? I don't know much, but I hear that it's a long process. You could take that time to remember you, rediscover you. Best of Luck!!! Keep posting!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
In reply to: memphis01
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 12:55pm
Hey Carrie, you are so sweet! I am working in a real estate office & I am thinking of getting my real estate liscence, I don't know if that is what I really want, I have been praying & asking God to lead me the way He wants me to go! Right now we are refinancing our home to pay off this credit card debt we have so then my H said if it would make me happy I can go back to school. He has never worried about that before.So I am thinking of myself more & also just telling him exactly what I want to do. I hope everything is going better for you.I am still praying for you. How old are your children? Do you put them in counseling? You should be so proud of yourself for rasing 6 children basically on your own.That takes a lot of strenght & also taking care of other people's children on top of that.I sure know how that feels. I am so glad I got a job outside of the home. That really helps when you can afford to do that.My 2 oldest girls are 11 & 14.So I only have my 5 yr. old to pay for daycare. It has helped me to be able to work outside the home.
I pray that everything wil come together for you & me!
God always has a plan for us--I see that now. I am so glad I can talk to you.I am glad you don't think I am crazy!!Thanks,
Melanie

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