please help, new here

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
please help, new here
9
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 9:41am

I am new here, was here about 2yrs ago. At that time, I actually filed for divorce and just needed to serve my husband. I didn't go that far. My husband scared me by saying he was going for custody of our son, who is now 4. I couldn't put my son through that, and decided it wasn't that bad. At the time, my husband was just verbally abusive, and his anger was at other things......doors, cabinets etc. Well, I am back here again....it seems like my husband now is starting to get abusive torwards me physically. We now have a 6month old girl too. It seems like when my son was around this age is when things started to get bad the first time around. Then he was doing good for a couple years. We got along good, things I thought, were on the up and up. Now twice in the last two weeks he has been out of control. One night he yelled at our son for something, so I took our son into the kitchen to get him "out of the situation." But "I" got yelled at for interfereing in HIS discipline. So as he was yelling at me, while holding our 6 month old, I was calm and trying to explain to him how he needs to handle things, instead of yelling. He was telling me that I am not a DR and that I don't know what I am talking about etc. Again, me being calm I think mad him even more mad and he grabbed my arm and shook it out of rage. He turned red in the face and looked like a monster. Which he never appoligized for and thought everything was suppose to be fine after the incident happened. Then last night is what got me thinking HARD. My son and husband were throwing an exercise ball at each other, nicely. I bent down to pick up some of the toys on the floor, my husband threw the ball at me and it hit my glasses. So i "tossed" it back at him and told him to stop because I was trying to clean up. THen my son got in on it and threw the ball at me, so I threw it back at him while he was running to get away....just playfully. When I threw it though he tripped and ran into the play pen and hit his head. He was ok, but was crying. So I picked him up and appolized since we were just playing around. He was ok, but my husband got up and tried to rip our son out of my arms. I was still holding our sons legs and he started to pull harder. So in reaction to try and get him to stop, I grabbed the back of his arm and pinched him. He pulled our son out of my arms and kicked me in the knee as hard as he could with his sandles that have a rubber sole on them. Needless to say, my first reaction would have been to cry, but I held it in since he would have "gotton off" on it. He yelled at me while holding our 4yr old saying I better never do that again. And he turned into the monster face he had before. Then he came up stairs since I made it up there without crying. I was getting our 6month olds bottles ready for the night in tears, which he didn't see. My knee was killing me, but I couldn't look yet. He came up and TRIED to appoligize for it. But I ignored him and went on about the night. He then TRIED to get me to kiss him good night after we got the kids to bed. Of course I didn't and just ignored him again. He just couldn't understand why. He as like, "are you still mad" HELLO it was only an hour ago you kicked me in my knee. We have been having arguments on and off our whole relationship. But before kids, we just did our own things. Now with kids, most of it involves the kids, housework etc. I just don't know what to do, now that I have two young kids, who I stay home with right now. I am not at the point yet of were I was before when I filed for divorce. But I think I should be. When I have told him he has anger problems, he says that I am the one with problems. I am crazy etc. I know I am not crazy, but I am starting to let my guard down I guess. I just don't know what to do. Or if this is even abuse since I was the one who pinched him first. I had my son draw the family today. He drew all of us with happy faces except my husband. He put a straight face on him with his teeth showing. Iasked him why. He said because he was mad. DOes this mean something? I am affraid if I do decide to leave, and he gets visitation with the kids, that something will happen to the kids, or he will brain wash them too. At least since I am here they are safe from him. I can watch over them. Oh and did I mention he also smoke pot! Yes, one reason I was leaving last time. But then he stopped and things got better now he is back at it in full force.

Please help, sorry so long, needed to vent. Any advice is welcome. Thank you!!!!

Ashamed and confused,
Jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 10:06am

You have nothing to be ashamed of and you are definitely not crazy! Even though his anger seems to have been to doors or other objects, you can bet it was meant to intimidate you. Anyone that loves you (even if you had any problems) wouldn't hold it against you or throw it in your face. But, you are not the problem he is. He is responsible for his beaviour and don't let yourself believe otherwise. I wish I had more advice. Please call your local victim resource center or domestic abuse center, should be in the front of your local phone book. You and the kids don't deserve this, and your sons picture speaks volumes.

Hugs, and best of luck. Keep us updated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 11:22am

Hi Jenny. Welcome back the the board :o)

There are definitley some red flags in your post to me. It really shows that verbally abusive men will eventually go to physical abuse. It will always get worse, unless you get out. It is abuse. Even when you pinched him first, it still is. He verbally/emotionally and physically abuses you.

The reason your H never apologized for grabbing your arm is becuase he doesn't think he did anything wrong. In his mind, he sees that as totally fine and normal. It is not normal. Abusers minds are very screwed up and backwards. They have a different perspective on things, but it isn't the right perspective. It is wrong for him to grab you arm! Now, about the exercise ball incident. Again he doesn't even think he did anything wrong. Why was is necessary to kick you in the knees.. that's right, it wasn't necessary!! He is blaming it on you. He is not taking any responsibility here. Abusers never take the blame and they are always so quick to blame something or someone else. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. But it is wrong. It will just get worse and worse and the incidents will become closer together. I know what you mean about the 'monster' face. My abuser would get the scariest look on his face. Something about his eyes would just scare me.

Since your H doesn't think he did anything wrong, he is totally fine about the situatin. He thinks it is fine that he kicked you, that is why he was trying to kiss you goodnight. He sees you as the problem, which is totally false. You are not crazy, you are not the problem here. When abusers are fine after a fight, they expect everyone around them to be fine too. He isn't thinking about your feelings, only about his feelings. He is being very selfish.

You and your kids are getting brainwashed right now. Don't worry about leaving and having your H brainwash them after, because your H is doing it now. Your kids are starting to think it is right by the way that H is talking to you. It is wrong. You need to think about your kids health and wellbeing. It is not about you anymore.

Did the kicking incident happen last night? Do you have a bruise? I really suggest that you take a picture of your knees or even go and file a police report. The more you have as evidence about your abusive H, the better.

Oh... and I totally know how you feel about the pot incident. I went thru the same thing. my abuser said he would do anything for me, he said he would quit smoking pot.. not! He made me feel very guilty about him wanting to stop smoking pot. He loved it and said that I needed to accept the way he was (well yes, to an extent).. but it is a drug!! HELLO. He made me feel so guilty, because that is the way he is, and that I am not very accepting of who he is.. but you know what, he wasn't very accepting either, because nothing was ever good enough and he was an abuser.

Good Luck... and keep us updated.
Lauren

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 12:05pm

Thought I recognized the nic -


YES!

Blueliner4
(aka The Pixie Princess)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 1:04pm
Hi Hon,
I'm glad that you came here to post your situation. It's great to have support. My situation in some ways sounds exactly like mine; I know what you are going through. YES, you are being abused. It even sounds like your son has picked up on his dad's anger. Not good, believe me not good. My son is 4 too and he has been showing his temper lately...hmm wonder where it got that from. Seek some support from a domestic violence counselor for yourself and your children's sake. Your husband does not think what he did was wrong and now that he has become physical he will most likely do it again and it may be worse. All I can say is the longer you stay that harder it may be to leave, but that is a decision only you can make and when you are ready. I still, even after divorcing my husband, sometimes doubt the abuse and manipulation. I wonder if it was "that bad" or if he could change. Going though the divorce was hard(because how he reacted to it) but now when I go home it's nice to have some peace and to not worry about everything I do and what will set him off. Peace is good!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 2:16pm

Thank you for your comments. I am so glad for the support here. I just worry that if I do end up leaving for real this time....he will end up hurting the kids when he gets visitation with them. I wont be here to see it, or protect them. I have a friend who is kinda in the same boat with her ex husband. I just don't want to have to get my child into counseling when he comes home from his fathers being brainwashed and abused. Also....I live in IL and ALL my family is in WI. (6hours from here) In IL the law is that if the father fights it, you can't move out of state unless it is ok'd through him. I mean I can fight it, but most likely I will have to stay in the state. Which makes it so much harder on me. Considering, right now I am a stay at home mom, not ready to leave at all right now. DIdnt think I had to worry about this once again. Before I was totally prepared. I got scared last time for a few reasons, he was telling me he would get full custody etc over our son. THat would kill me. He also used the "feel sorry for me" excuse. LIke....what if you didn't see our son for a week or two. Or what if two weeks in the summer I get him and you wont see him. (our son is SUPER attached to me) I don't know what would be better for him, me staying or leaving.

Thanks agian

Jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 3:05pm

He is using custody and visitation of the children to get you to stay. He knows that you don't want to be without them. My X did the same. I received Full Physical custody and Joint Legal custody. Right now X has supervised visits with our son because of the abuse. I worry about when it becomes unsupervised too, but I know that I will have him a majority of the time and I can only do my best and hope all the positive I show him will outweight the negative he may hear from his dad.I also believe when my son gets older he will see how his dad really is.
Make sure you keep notes on the abuse(police report, photos, journal),not just physical. The more information you have the better it will be to prove to the judge that domestic abuse has occured. I also live in a state that says you need to live within 150 miles of the other parent, but there are exceptions and I am sure abuse would be one of them. A good attorney and judge will see though his BS. Although, the system is not always understand.There is a website that may help with some of the legal issues, it is: http://www.womenslaw.org/
I know this is not what you expected marriage to be like. I know that this is not an easy situation. I know there are a lot of doubts and what if's going though your head. I hope you know that it's your husband behavior, his problem, that has caused all this. But it is up to you if you want to stay or go.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 3:20pm

'He also used the "feel sorry for me" excuse. LIke....what if you didn't see our son for a week or two. Or what if two weeks in the summer I get him and you wont see him. (our son is SUPER attached to me) . . . .'

What if your husband kills you, and your children never see you again? His abuse is escalating, he is becoming more dangerous. Please don't waste too much time on indecision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 7:07pm

So true. I had my appt with domestic counselor today and caught myself making excuses for H, like he's pays all the bills, good with the kids. But, we all deserve independence, to not question our feeling but have them heard. Even though I know our relationship is in his control, I've often looked to myself to solve it. We all deserve peace at night, acceptance, even if it means it won't come from them. I have a 5 year old that I often have to correct when he tells his mother what to do for him. I will not give that child a thing that he asks for without a please and thankyou. We can't change who these men are, but we can take advantage of the time we have with our children on how to treat us and others, I'm a hard a$$ on that lately. We'll all make it through some how. These counselors are excellent! There are so many resources I didn't even know existed until today. I had a great experience, it's worth a shot. Best of luck!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 12:00am

Wow! I so completely hear you and feel your pain. It is so hard because they are so good at making you feel crazy and unimportant that you start to believe it. I am there with you because I knew it had gotten bad but because of children I can't make the cut. If it were me and no kids I would be gone but with kids and his counseling I hang in there but that is scarry too...because it is the children I don't want them to grow with that kind of behavior being acceptable.

Post here when you can so I know what is going on.

Sending positive thoughts.

Memphis01