PLEASE HELP! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
PLEASE HELP! :)
2
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 12:02pm
Hello, I desperately need advice/support. I cannot tell any of my friends/family because I do not wan't to "freak" them out, worry them, anger them, etc. I will tell them about most of this once I figure everything-out and more than likely once I've left.
It'll be kind of hard to make this brief, but I will try to make it as brief/concise as possible. I met my common-law "husband" (thank-God we're not legally married!), in of all places a homeless shelter! I swear I'm not a loser, this was year's ago, I had just left a domestic-abuse situation and was in a "regular" shelter awaiting a bed in a domestic-abuse shelter, ironically I was going to go to one the day after I met him, but I didn't. I met him in the city, on the street, we really hit it off, etc. It was fast and intense right from the beginning. We quickly moved to his hometown and lived on his parents property for a few months while he worked for his Dad, I saw the first signs of emotional abuse then, but didn't leave like an idiot, I was in the most difficult "place" in my life then, jobless, wounded from the previous relationship, etc. and he was saying and doing everything right, at least most of the time, I really wasn't myself back then. Anyways, we've been together almost 4 yrs. now, had a baby (my first and his) about a year and a half ago, he is the best thing that's ever happened to me! I LOVE being a Mom, his Mom. He had a drug problem before we met come to find-out, and it has started and stopped for just about our whole relationship, he's either totally sweet, or evil/rude, he's never hit me, and we don't argue in front of our child, but I just can't take it anymore, yes, he financially supports us, I stay at home with the baby, but that still obviously doesn't outweigh my miserableness. I'm SO miserable, except for my baby of course, I'm almost 100% that he did drugs the other night while out of town on business, he's been in bed and acting awful, saying he's "sick" for almost 3 days now, (his off days), I asked him, but of course he deny's, I don't trust him for anything, we NEVER have sex, honestly I think he's gay sometimes, but that's a WHOLE other story/posting. I know that I do NOT wan't to be with him anymore, (we were planning on getting married by a JP while my family is here on Thanksgiving, but I've decided to tell them that there are no "slots" for the JP to marry us then, as an excuse, you know?) Don't worry, I WILL NEVER marry him, I have a college-degree, and an excellent resume, I know I can make-it on my/our own, but I'm still scared, I've mentioned it to him before, he's said things like, "Oh, so your going to break-up our family? Take our Son away from his Father?"......about 85% of the time he's the model Father/Husband/Partner, but I CANNOT deal with the other 15%, I don't have too much more time of being fairly young/pretty, etc. I wan't/have to move-on and eventually meet someone who is decent and be a good Father to my gorgeous Son. But of course that will not be my objective for quite sometime. I'm expecting a fairly large settlement here soon, hopefully! I've pretty-much decided that once I get it, I will start making plans to move to a city that's about 2 hrs. from here, can I do that? Will I get in trouble with some custody situation? Will it "work" in my favor that he has 1-2 warrant's in other state's? AND does drugs occasionally? Please help me, I really wan't nothing to do with him romantically ever again, his family yes, for our Son, and they're nice, etc., but not him, ever, and I don't wan't him to even see his Son until he's clean and straightened-out. I'm also kinda' nervous how he might act during us finally leaving him? What do I do? I really think he's going to totally freak-out, we're all he has, he's nothing without us. Believe me, I don't feel sorry for him, just worried that he's fragile mindset might be dangerous to me/us.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated. And also please pray for us that I get that settlement ASAP so we can leave.
But, we have family coming for both holidays, I will be here for that, and hopefully the settlement will have arrived or be arriving shortly afterwards.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 1:24pm

Breathe, sweetie!


Okay, let's try and pick this apart a bit and answer your questions:


You said there's no legal marriage in place.

Blueliner4
(aka The Pixie Princess)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 10:39am
Thanks SO much for your reply/advice! I will check-out the website that you referred me too as soon as I get off of here. :) I'm still SO sick of him! Thank Goodness his work week has resumed again! So I will barely be seeing him! Yeah! :) I swear he has split-personality or something, definetly NPD. I even had a dream last night that I had left him, and he was semi-stalking me while I had a new boyfriend (handsome I'll say! :), Hope it's a peek into my future!).........acting very psycho.......Aaaargh! :(
About telling my parents; there is no way that I will do that until either right before we're moving-out or right afterwards. They are in their mid to late 70's, my Mother has high-blood pressure and they live almost a 1000 miles away. It would do nothing other than through them into a massive panic/worry. I'm their only daughter and they've always been like that, nothing would come from it, I'm 35 and I'll be fine. Beside's they're coming up here for Thanksgiving, this will be only the 2nd time that they've spent with their Grandson/our baby, they are obviously just "over the moon" over him, and I'm VERY close with them, and SO looking forward to it, it would just ruin it. I've been dealing with him for along time now, and his partying/falling-off the wagon is about 3-4 times a year, so the way I'm looking at it now is at least he got it out of his system for few month's! :) I'm still planning on leaving him when I get my money, but I will not tell him until everything is in place, that's the advice I've been reading on the subject.
I really can't wait! I'm looking-forward to starting a new life, and not having as much stress, but a bit worried about dealing with him as an ex and Father of my child forever! :)