I gotta decide what to do... and soon!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
I gotta decide what to do... and soon!
4
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 10:36am

I don’t know where to start and where to end so here goes….. And I’ll try not to ramble to much!!

I’m currently safe. My abuser is out of the house on a TPO order. Our court date is on the 14th.

I am a 32 yo mother of 3. One of my children is special needs. She gets PT, OT, ST and attends the local special needs school. She is in and out of doctor’s offices and hospitals all the time. In fact the last time he attack me was the night we got home from her last kidney surgery. I said the wrong thing at the wrong time and he was drunk. He was psycho all night, yelling, hitting, pinching…… and per his mothers advice (she hasn’t spoke to me since this) I went and got the TPO.

My children are 7, 3, and 1-½. As I type my kids are happily snacking on cereal and watching Clifford in the next room. They are perfectly OK. But I’m not ok. I hurt. I hurt physically and emotionally. I wonder if my hand and neck will ever stop hurting from the last attack. And when I’m feeling really froggy I remember the time before that one when he hurt me, and the time before that one…. And so on and so forth. I am amazed to realize that I have let this go on for YEARS!!! I know that the really bad abuse stared during my second PG and that was when I started feeling so trapped! But here I am 3 years after the first beating almost ready to do something about it…….

Yep, I did it. I said almost!! I know I deserve better and so do my kids, but I do feel so guilty. I feel like I failed. I feel like I should have been able to change this situation and we should all be living that white picket fence life. My abuser is very manipulative and he has me almost convinced that the kids and I can���t survive without him. Almost! Right now the truth is he needs me. He need me far more than I need him.

I still feel bad though! And I wonder how the kids will do with visitations and such. BUT then I wonder how that would even work out between us. I don’t want to take his kids from him, but after we go to court, if I don’t take him back. Well, he’s going to be mad. Real mad. I DON’T THINK HE’LL BE THINKING ABOUT THE KIDS. I think he’ll only be able to focus on how angry he is at me for “doing this to him”. (I know he did it to himself, but I’m not sure he sees it that way completely. When he’s calm and remorseful he only will admit 50% blame for any of his OWN actions!

I’m scared! Maybe this makes no sense at all…. Maybe it does. I don’t want to bring up specifics about how bad it has been for me. Just trust me its been bad. I promise that. I know that its been real bad yet somehow I still have that haze glazing over my memory that makes me forget. The woman that helped me file the TPO called it the “honey moon phase” She likened it to childbirth. You know how women forget the pains of childbirth when they fall in love with the baby. She said that to me the other day when I went back to drop the TPO. I didn’t drop it that day.

I want a better life. But I’m so scared……. And I am so broke! I have $1,000 more bills every month that I have coming in. I don’t think he’ll pay me child support.

I have 9 days to figure out a plan.

Trying it solo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 12:21pm
Hi - I am just in the getting out phase myself. So I am not going to offer much advice except to say take it easy on yourself. Don't beat yourself up for anything. You posted on the board - that is HUGE. A really good start! I feel like I failed too - and I feel horrible about that. But I have been talking about it more and more and talking about it helps. I have also been working on my plan. I am sure there is tons of information on this board to help you with plans.....get your important papers together, have an extra set of keys hidden. Being scared makes total sense to me.....keep posting.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 4:35pm

Welcome Tryingitsolo :o)

All abusers make us feel guilty. You aren't alone here, that is one thing you will realize. You posting on this board and reading other posts... a lot of what you are going thru is classic abuse. There is no way that you can change the situation you are in... the only way that you can change is by leaving your abuser. It will not get better, it will only get worse. You can survive without him, you just don't know it yet. He is trying to convince you that he is all you have left and that you don't deserve better... which is a lie.

You also need to understand that he did this to himself. You are not the one that fault here. He isn't taking any responsibility. Abusers never ever take blame for anything they do! He will never understand okay. Abusers just don't get it and they never will.

I believe you that it's bad. You don't need to tell any stories if you are not comfortable.

Why is it only 9 days?

Keep on posting.. you are getting stronger.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 9:56am

when I posted it was 9 days until the first TPO hearing. Its on the November 14th.

I went to a support group last night and spilled big time. What I told them was actually just the tip of the iceberg, but they seemed very concerned about me. Something about a lethality assessment. Giving his past history, I should be relatively safe up until the hearing day. After then, if I don't drop the order, there is no telling what he may do. This is my first time to take this sort of action against him. But this isn’t the first time for him. He was married before and she ended up leaving the state with his two girls to escape him.The counselor at the group last night thought he would be going to jail because a real restraining order might violate his current probation. (I shouldn't feel guilty about that, but I do)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 11:46am

There's not that much advice I can give you as I'm also in the same boat, only I don't have kids which I feel makes it harder sometimes. But you are not alone and although you don't think this might be the right choice, it is. Life is too short and it is not just about you, but also your kids. You are way stronger than I am because I have yet to put a TPO on my abuser because I will feel guilty and he is on probation too. It is sad that I'm still putting his needs before mine.

My abuser is the same way. I have had it bad and you here about this on news and about other people going through it and you never expect it to happen to you, but it can. I'm just a bag of nerves right now, but time heals all wounds and I know it can only get better from here.

Of course they are going to make you feel guilty, like this is all your fault, but it's not. Just know that you are not alone and we are here for you to vent as much as you need to. It helps.

Good luck and keep us posted.