In a state of panic
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| Mon, 11-06-2006 - 7:33am |
It' monday morning. Last night was a bad night. My husband and i had a lengthy discussion about our lives.
He has been getting therapy and he realizes how badly he has treated me and wants me to give him another chance.
We have been through this before, but he has never gone to counseling before. We were nearly divorced the last time. We separated 4 time. He told me that until now, I never communicated how much his behavior hurt me. I did, but he told me that was the way it was and if i didn't like it to get a divorce.
He has verbally and emotionally abused me for 17 years. He has forced me to have sex with him through manipulation and emotional abuse.
He cried and cried. He said that he can change if i just give him a chance. he told me he wishes he could commit suicide, but he knows he has his kids.
Why did he wait until i thought i was so strong about leaving.
He cheated on me with a prostitute, he lied to me on several occasions, he gave me an STD and has nenver taken responsibility for it, he moved me to a new state for a fresh start and did nothing to help me. He left me alone.
Can people change? i am so afraid that i will make a mistake when i leave. my three different therapists don't think staying with him is a good choice, but why then do i feell like i should stay.
it bothers me so to break up my family. The family unit is so important. i feel like i have lost that.
Please help me. I am sick to my stomach. Why does a piece of me still love him.
Maddy.

I've also heard that, pretty much if you don't like it, leave. Do you think he might have started counseling realizing how strong you've become? Even if he ever does change, that wont take away the pain he's caused and the emotional damage he's done to you.
I know how you feel about keeping a family together if possible. My situation is especially difficult, as I had 4 kids before, and had 2 together. My older kids would probably not have much contact with him. My younger ones, this home is all they've ever known. I guess this really doesn't feel much like a family anymore, whether I'm here or away. Like you, I still question if I should stay. I could never see being happy here again. I feel like it's all added up and I can't forgive anymore. What are the reasons the therapists feel you should go? I'm sure their picture is clear, since they're not emotionally involved in the relationship.
I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this for 17 years. I wish I had the answers. I know all too well the sick feeling you mention. Hope your day gets better!
It hurts so much to see him hurt. I don;t know why i feel like i need to protect him. he sent me 3 dozen roses again. he wants one more chance.
i just don' know if i have it in me. so much damage.
THe cheating. The lying. THe humiliation.
He is in so much pain. Why should i feel bad and try agin. i do love him, but i don't feel the way i should toward my husband.
The therapists have all seen him as a controlling man. A very insecure man. i don't know how we got here. i am so angry with him. he put me in this place again where i make the decision about our family. I am furious.
Why now? it is such a horrible feeling. What if i regret my decision? My friends and the outsiders don't think i will, but i am always afraid of that.
This is the so terrible. i can't stop crying.
Hello, I'm SO sorry that you are going through this very difficult time. I can understand most of what you are going through, (see my posting if you're interested).......
The prostitute/STD thing, that is horrible! Jeez, he could've given you HIV, (I'm assuming you've been tested)....how reckless, cruel, etc. My friend from H.S. got preg., married the guy, they were very young, he enlisted in the Army, they got stationed in Europe and he comminced to sleeping with prostitutes as well, how sick! He also beat her, she divorced him a long time ago, sometimes it has crossed my haggard mind if my baby's Dad has done/does that, who knows he might have even "hired" a male! I wouldn't put it past him or most of "them", you know pretty-much ALL of these abuser "men" have what they call NPD (Narcisstic (sp.?) Personality Disorder), if you're not familiar with it Google it, there is tons of info. on it as well as some great msg. boards, one of which I like alot is on MSN, check it out, I believe your hubby might have NPD.
About whether or not to divorce him; that's an intensely personal decision that only you can make; but, to me, it sounds as if you've already made that decision (sort of like I have too in my crazy situation!); but you feel overwhelmed with that all too common guilt we women have all too often, put there by ourselves, our families, and oftentimes by society as well, we are taught that we must "protect" the union/togetherness of our families, we must "fix" all of our families relationship problems, ESPECIALLY the husband's! It's SO hard! AND we feel SO much guilt for "breaking-up" the family! I know, I'm feeling that AWFUL, encompassing guilt as well! And then you think, "Gosh, is my daughter/son going to turn-out on drugs/going on a shooting-spree/being imprisoned, getting a girl knocked-up?!!?", all because I "broke-up" the family? (Which was messed-up to begin with!)........From what I've been hearing and reading, the "breaking-up" the family comment's that these "men" say are all too common, just another method of emotional abuse and mind-control.
I whole-heartledly believe that you will eventually leave him, unless he does a major turn-around, but from the little that I've read from you, (and every other abuser/husband), it would take YEARS of counseling, and in most cases medications too. Are you willing to deal with all of that? And then perhaps it STILL not working-out? Those are things that you need to think about........as I'm sure you are..........
Good-Luck sweetie, I'll try to give you advice as best as I can, even while I'm going through something quite similar! (So keep that in mind if my advice/writing sounds kinda' "skewed" at time's!).......
JKL (Just Keep Livin'!)...... :)
you are right.
I don't want to be like this anymore. My 40th birthday is in three weeks and i have told everyone that i do not want to celebrate or even talk about it.
I want to be happy. As i am sure you do. life is so hard. WHy cant i stick with my decision.
Maddy,
I was married to a man for over 21 years......still am.......with him for 25. He was emotionally and physically abusive and I gave him too many chances to get help and thought I could 'fix' it if I just gave him one more chance. I gave and gave and gave some more. Nothing you do will 'fix' him.
The poster that suggested that your H might be narrcissistic was right on the mark. I checked out this disorder when trying to figure out if my H was bi-polar. I must say it was the most eye-opening experience I have ever had. Take the time to check it out.....Narcissistic Personality Disorder.....it will definately make you think....even if you don't think your H suffers from it, it will help you feel that you can deal with the issues at hand.
He may be crying.....but the reality is he has taken away who you are. I have been seperated from my H for 6 months now and it has been the best time of my life. I am happier than I have been in decades. There were some rough moments but I feel like ME again. It is wonderful. Take my advice and seriously consider just taking time for you to get your head on straight.....if he REALLY loves you, he will let you leave and find your real feeling, time to clear your mind of all the drama and get your head and heart on the same page. He will be ok and you will, too. And my 13 yr old daughter has blossomed and made such wonderful progress since we left. The best decision I ever made.
Take your time, make the decision, it's not an easy one, but just remember who you used to be.......do you want her back??? If your H fell in love with that woman, he should be willing to let you find her again. And if he can't.........leave and never look back.....
Good-Luck to you! Always remember; you are not alone. You and your kid's are in my prayers & thoughts. :)
You're a kind, loving person, and he knows that. That's why you feel bad, that's why you want for other's to be happy. You're not like him, or my H. I really don't think that they can want happiness for others.
My Dr, my counselor and lawyer all see mine as controlling. Like you, mine yesterday put the choice on me about divorce. It's a huge burden to carry, on top of finding the strength to be there for the kids, when we can barely get by ourselves. I'm also asking myself, what if I leave and I'm wrong, what if it's me. Deep down, I think you and I both know that being in control of our own lives will be what makes us happy. If moving means a smaller place, we wont have to walk on eggshells in that smaller place.
I'm waiting for my lawyer to e-mail me, I asked if my just leaving would affect what I'd get out of the divorce. Being here is miserable. Let me know how you're doing.
Hi Maddy,
Deep down I still love the 'good' parts of my abuser. There isn't that many good parts compared to the bad parts... but still. I don't know why I feel love for him, but I do. I don't like to admit it, but it's the truth.
Ok, it's great that he is going to therapy, but it doesn't mean that he has changed, or will change anytime soon. It really will take years and years for him to change. It is impossible for him to change in a few days or months like he might say. He is trying to make you feel guilty. That is all it is about. He wants you to feel guilty, why do you think he cries all the time.
Please read this again and again. You said yourself that there 3/4 of the stuff on here that he did:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=11856.1&ctx=4096
Now, he has emotionally, verbally and sexually abused you! You deserve so much more.
"He cheated on me with a prostitute, he lied to me on several occasions, he gave me an STD and has nenver taken responsibility for it" *** Abusers will NEVER take responsibility for anything okay. You need to understand that. EVER. It is never their fault for anything. He cheated on you and gave you an STD. You really need to read this over and over again and think about why you are staying with this horrible man.
I have NEVER heard of anyone saying they regret leaving their abuser. I have heard so many times people saying that they regret not leaving sooner. Please really listen to your therapist on this one. Also, please listen to the people on this board telling you that you should leave. I really doubt that there is anyone out there telling you to stay. Listen to your gut.. I bet it is telling you to leave.
Lauren
So many of the statements is in the link are true. My husband has done more than 3/4 of the things listed.
i am so nervous about making the wrong decision, but i need to make a decision.
Thanks for listening. This is so hard.
I understand how difficult it is... to make the right decision. But how long can you live like this, walking on egg shells? Do you want to live the way that you have been living? Do you want to find 'YOU' again.. the person you were before you met him? You will make the right decision when the time is right.... just listen to your gut feeling.
Lauren