So sad and depressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
So sad and depressed
10
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 8:43am

I seem to to be on here a lot more.

What is my problem. I am so so depressed. I am so in a state of panic.

My husband is crying. Struggling at his job. I feel bad.

He swears he will change. I don't know what to do.

I love him, but i don't trust him. He has hurt me so much. How do i get over this hurt.

He causes me mental stress all the time. i don't want to be with him sexually at all.

I feel terrible. So terrible.

CAN they change. I have tried to get him to counseling before. now he is going. is it bad that i don't want to give him a chance. If i don't will i regret it.

I have given a million chances. He drives me crazy.

CAN THEY CHANGE?????

I am so sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 11:45am

I can't speak for what your husband will or will not do.

I can tell you my daughter's father has not changed. He has been given a million chances to make things better and he doesn't care to do that. He doesn't take anything I say seriously. I hope things get better for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 8:01pm
like the PP said, i cant speak for what ur husband may or may not do. all i know is while my ex tries to act like hes changed, he's still the same man underneath...easy to anger, abusive, controlling, manipulating and a liar...no matter how much he can take counselling or go back to school, he is still that person deep down and that wont change for him ever...like u said, uve given him a million chances and he hasnt chnaged so far, it wont get easier as time goes on...u need to decide for yourself if u want to leave and then do so or work towards it
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 11:52pm

I don't know if they can change or not. They statistics seem to be against it. But I know how it feels wanting my man to be that 1% (or what ever the #) that does make that change.

((Big Hugs)) I understand exactly how you feel and your post could have been my own. Word for word.... I feel ya!!

Vicki

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 4:39pm

Thank you all so much. I have gone to see a lawyer and a therapist. They have both been great. My therapist hooked me up with an abused woman support group and i am so excited.

He makes it hard for me when he is so nice, but I can't forget all of the horrible things he does to me.

Both my therapist and my lawyer are worried that if I don't go through with it this time I will have a nervous breakdown or worse.

I am with my best friend this weekend and we are having a blast. I needed that.

Maddy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 5:33pm

That’s great Maddy!! I too just joined a support group at my local shelter. I was so scared and nervous about the whole thing. But after I went, I decided that I liked them very much. Every one was so nice and I couldn't believe how easy it was for me to open up to them. Its probably the best thing I could have done for myself right now. I hope you find the same where you are going.

Vicki

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 8:26pm

Honey, if you don't want to keep trying, if you have no trust left, that means everything.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 12:06am
hello. I just happened to click your message. I read your last entry before this one before I offered any encouragement. First, I must say I have never been in your situation so i cannot say that I know how you feel. I really take a sincere interest in people and when i read yours, I felt a need to talk with you. First, and foremost, it is possible for all who WANT to change to be able to do so. I'm not here to tell you to leave or to stay, that is not my purpose. I do, however, want to provide you with a better outlook for the future for you as well as your children. Life was not created for others to manipulate and control. There is so much I want to say, but being that this is open to everyone, i dont want any nay-sayers interjecting. Feel free to reply and maybe we'll be able to e-mail each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 10:34am

Can they change? Sadly, the answer is probably not. While theoretically anything is possible, statistically only one percent of abusers ever change. In the history of this board, ONE has; I have heard of another one not from iVillage who did, which makes a grand total of two in my whole internet experience. You see, changing involves the person admitting that their behavior is wrong, taking responsibility (none of this "You made me do it!") and enrolling in intensive counseling to fix it. Abusers are not big on any of this. :(

I know it's a very depressing thought, believe me. We have to remember that we can't control human behavior, and focus on what we can impact, which is how we respond to it and what we do about it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 11:52pm

Today I am just as sad, but i feel worse because i filed that restraining order. I know the judge would not have given it to me if i didn't prove my case, but, i guess i just can't believe it has come to this.

i have nightmares and i sometimes do worry he will hurt me. I know i had to do this, but i still feel awful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 6:17pm

Hold your head high! You are doing what you have to. I remember the nightmares you speak of, even though they are 9 years old. You take care of you, what you're doing isn't awful. Keep copies of the order in your car, on you and at home incase you have to call.

I also felt guilty when I did it, but it wasn't our actions that lead us to take this precaution. You're doing what you have to do to be safe!

My ex actually convinced the manager where I was working to send me out to talk to him. Told her he missed his daughter, wanted to know when he could see her. I foolishly went out, to hear "I'm taking you home tonight" It's not easy to stand up to them, give yourself sooooo much credit for getting there!

Hang in there! I know how hard it is.