I feel like everyone is blaming me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
I feel like everyone is blaming me
5
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 2:29pm
Yes maybe I am being very sensitive lately and completely not thinking straight. But I feel like everyone thinks this situation is all my fault. Like it is my fault that I didn't love him enough, or it is my fault that I was with him, or it is my fault that I talked to him in the first place. I am not even talking to two of my girlfriends now because they really made me feel like it was my fault. Then one of them said "I just don't want to see you get hurt." Get hurt????? I said I am already hurt. I just want this whole nightmare to end. I want it over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 3:00pm

I'm so sorry! Listen, I had a girlfriend that knew 10 years ago I was getting my butt kicked on a regular basis. She was in a good honest relationship. Eventually I got the nerve to get out. At the same time, she left her guy and actually got into an abusive relationship, even though she knew what I had been through. She was in disbelief, he was charming at 1st, of course. I'm so sorry they don't understand what you need. But guess what, that friend never spoke a negative word to me, that's why I went to her. I screwed up when she was in my place, hell bent on not letting her live that same nightmare. All it did was keep us apart for 6 years. I ran my mouth to the jerk! By the time we share this info w/ people, we've been through hell!

Hang in there! We'll all get through this together! Have you noticed we all say at some point I can't think straight, or we're panicking, out of it. That's what abuse does. You're here, where people understand. Good for you! Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 3:05pm

Yes, people will think it is your fault. HE will think it is your fault. He will always think it is your fault. It is NOT your fault this happened. He is an abuser, and he is at fault. He needs to take some responsibilty here... but he is not and he never will. He is Mr. Perfect in his eyes (Just like all abusers) and he never makes mistakes. You know it isn't your fault.. and I know it's not your fault.. and I am sure everyone else on this board knows it isn't your fault. Do your girlfriends know everything that went on? I don't really think my girlfriends know what went on in my life. They just don't understand what I went thru. That is why I didn't talk to them about all the abuse. They just don't get it. People that haven't been in abusive situations will never understand what goes on.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 3:05pm
Thank you for your reply. It seems I have good moments/days and bad moments/days. And today has not been such a good one so far. I don't want to talk to anyone - not my friends, certainly not my family (who are pretty much on his side). I feel bad because I have a young daughter and I just keep crying in front of her. That is the worst.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 3:46pm

Many, many hugs to you! I do day-care 3 days a week. Had to walk out onto my front porch after all the kids had settled down, just to cry. They just don't understand. Take care of you! You're here, you'll get the support you need.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 5:39pm
Hi Sam...I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same situation right now. I'm in the midst of relocating away from my abuser who dumped me 3 weeks ago. We are co-habitating until I can find a new home. We jointly own our current house and he is buying me out....of course that has changed a couple of times since his initial offer. I have protected my abuser from any kind of incrimidation by denighing, dismissing, excusing, allowing, aiding, and abetting his outrageous and unacceptable behaviour. It was not until recently that I faced the reality of my situation. During this 8 years I went from a happy, content, funny, and positive woman to a exhausted, stressed, and worn out shadow of humankind. No wonder the people around me will think that my abuser was right to dump me. How did he put up with this anti-social outcast for so long? Hurray to Freedom Abuser. You are Free to hunt your next victim. When my mind goes in this tangeant all I need to do to ground myself I have been lucky enough to have this positive reinforcement. Last year I started a job in another city. I have to commute 2 hours a day with this new job. My abuser has not met my work associates. My associates know me for me. Not for what my abuser tells them. I have 6 new girlfriends at work. These girlfriends support and care for me. They hug, listen, cry, email, and tell me what a wonderful friend I am. They do not want me to go back to my abuser. Not one of them is telling me that I should stay. They want to see me safe, healthy, and happy. Now all I can say to myself is that these wonderful 6 women who cherish our friendship can't be wrong. They see what my abuser has clouded for me or I have been too afraid to see.....REALITY! My life with my abuser is sick and dysfunctional so I will never be healthy in this relationship. You are not alone. Please stay strong and know that you are not responsible.