Having a hard time

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Having a hard time
3
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 6:52pm

Well it's the weekend, looking forward to B-ball tournament tomorrow. Looking forward to anything that get's me out of here lately.

I don't think H has been to lawyer, think it was the threat tactic. I'm so indecisive, that it would almost be a relief if he just had me served, there's hope of that still. I'm so afraid of not being able, emotionally, to be there for all 6 kids and taking them away from what's been their home for 7 years now. A part of me wishes I could believe in him, just until the holdays pass anyway. Do I stick it out through the holidays, do I try again? I know none of you have that answer for me, it's within me.

There's this hate for him, I start to feel alright and not be angry and hurt. Then something else takes over my thoughts, a past memory, things I've forgotten. There is a part of me that can't bear to hate him anymore, cause it's exhausting me, taking all of me. I can't be here and consumed with all of those memories, and care for the children very well. I can't bring myself to speak to him, to even tell him that divorce is still what I want. I feel like a coward. Unable to speak the truth and move on. I'm afraid of failing my kids, not making it to all of their games, or that they'll have to sacrifice their activities. They're all such wonderful kids, and sports are the only extra-curricular activity that I allow other than sleep-overs (with parents I know). Other than school related things. Would I be stretched so thin that they would have to make sacrifices, is that fair? We do kind of have a car-pool thing with the other Mom's.

I could plan it out, and it makes sense, leaving. But now I feel like, I'm so afraid to put things in motion, what if it doesn't work? It would require me to ask more of other people, my family, and I don't want to burden them. Most of them see him as this great guy, or in part. He takes care of the house, pays the bills, spends time with the kids. They don't know how he is with me. My God-mother, she's probably who I'd ask for help. She's very Catholic, you just don't give up on marriage. I don't want to give up on marriage, but I don't want to spend much more time knowing that I'm here, but not loved, valued or respected. I prayed to God, and for my Grandmother to help me see, and give me strength, and I did have a peaceful day. I think that's what gave me the courage to be completely honest now. Sometimes I think I forget that sometimes being strong is being honest, even if I have to admit that I'm scared and unsure.

There has to be a better path for me. One that doesn't make me feel insignificant. I wonder how do I get to the point where I feel better and stronger? I left a physically abusive relationship 9 years ago. But, he was stupid. This time it's emotional, and he's a very intelligent, educated man. I feel guilty. I feel with him being so capable, that it must be me. I know in my heart, it's not true, I didn't deserve any of it. But, it's also backwards, which confuses me. He actually hit me right after I moved my kids and we were living together, not in front of them which is probably why I took it. Than it was throwing or breaking things, that stopped for the most part. Now it's all comments, but sarcastically. Even that's stopped somewhat, since my "breakdown". Strange as it is though, I know he's running things. I'm afraid to talk to him. It will always get turned around on me.

Anyway, that was depressing! Looking forward to watching DD play tomorrow! She has become much more of a team player since last year, very proud of her. She's point guard and 2&3. Can't wait, will take little ones too and hopefully have another palyer among them!

Thanks for reading, take care everyone!
Carrie
'

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 8:15pm
Hang in there, hon.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 9:47am

Had a great time yesterday at the tournament! I get so caught up in the games that I was able to forget about all the nonsense for awhile.

H was sure to get his opinion in before I left for the 2nd game though. Going on about how he'd been to the lawyer and for being the good guy all this time, he was getting punished. What a load of crap! Cause I'm not that stupid, every acct he has is in his name alone, all he has to do is close them, and it's his. I don't have to sign off on anything, except for a few. He wouldn't let me get a word in, of course anything I say, I make up as I go along or whatever. But, sick as it is, it helps when he pulls that stuff to remind me exactly who he is. He could've had some concern for the kids but it was about him.

I had 3 older girls asking me about school clothes, had spent my extra $50 in support on B-ball shoes for daughter. Meanwhile day before he goes shopping for himself and I tell you, I would have loved to shred those clothes! He also did some X-mas shopping, good guy! He did, cause he won't hand over any cash for me too. I'll have to put a layaway on, and ask him to pay off whatever I can't over the next month. That's the only way I'll be able to pick anything out for the kids. I had mentioned how I kept having memories of things I'd tried to forget... Him shopping for himself right before X-mas, while knowing I hadn't finished school shopping, reminded me of the mother's day I didn't get a gift, but we went shopping for him! When I mentioned wanting to look for a few shirts, he said he didn't have money. I actually had $30., but just said we should go. I realized, we always go shopping around X-mas, my b-day and mother's day, but for him. Last year, a month before x-mas, he hit a deer and guard rail with my car, the front end damage was about equal to the value of the car, so they cut us a check, went into his acct. We had no x-mas gifts yet, he bought a $900. computer. My dryer was broken for a month at that point, didn't get that till Jan. Had to hang clothes by the wood stove, for 8 people!!!

Sorry about that, that's what happens though, I remember all these things now.

Enough of my ranting. I hope everyone had a great weekend. I'm looking forward to this week, especially since he's back at work. Take care everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 10:38am
Vent all you want here. You will think it through and be able to make the right decision, in the end.
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