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Posted in Wrong Area - Help Needed!
| Mon, 11-13-2006 - 6:06pm |
My abuser and I are separating. I have found a new home but it will not be available until mid December. We are co-habitating at the present time. We own this house together. My abuser sent me an email last week wanting to be friends, offering to help me pack, move, do projects at my new place, etc. He also told me that he is putting me in a positive light with our immediate social circle and that the reason we are separating is because I have a great new job offer, I will no longer need to commute to work, and that I have issues with the vistiation of his two children. He also is disappointed with the visitation and the lack of notice and last minute changes that happen. These items are true except for the visitation statement. The schedule is not to my liking but I have verbally tole him that I support what he needs to do to keep the relationship with his children intact. The truth of what happened is that I confronted him with the abuse of his children and myself with the support of the local women's shelter. He admitted to the abuse but decided that a break up was the best solution. I was hurt but I have recovered enough to know that this relationship is dead. I have told a few key individuals (family, friends, bank, lawyer) and one friend as a support line in the event that the abuse escalates. I have not responded to my abusers appeal for friendship. I just want OUT! Should I keep the abuse a secret....keep my mouth shut as to why I am leaving...or is silence an abuser's best friend. It was very difficult telling the few individuals that I have...I felt dirty, vindictive, and mean. I felt like I was the abuser. He has presented nothing but a wonderful and caring individual to the community. Behind closed doors he is a anger filled volcano ready to explode. I am afraid of him. Part of me feels that I am in danger....a sitting duck. He is very secretive and his actions appear tense and mechanical. Am I being overly sensitive? Thanks ~Sassy

Hey Sassy,
Even if you did tell him the reason you are leaving is because of abuse.... would he even believe you? I remember I told my abuser that he was abusive, but he still didn't think that is the reason I left him. Even if you did tell him that he was abusive, I bet he would never tell anyone else that. He would make something up as to why you left. It is totally up to you if you want to tell him, but if you have a bad feeling about it, then I would say NO you shouldn't tell him. You are leaving no matter what. Just depends if YOU want him to know.
I am happy to hear that you want OUT! I suggest that you don't take up his friendship offer. If he is still in your life, he will still be the same and still try and control you. You need to heal yourself and the best way to do that is to get far away from your abuser.
Lauren
Hey. Okay I get it now. You are so lucky to have an 'abuser' that is just going to walk away. He is not going to pressure you to stick around and wait for him to change, he is just giving up. That is the best kind. When I left my abuser, a few people knew why I was leaving. Some people don't know. I just tell people that we had a lot of problems that couldn't be fixed (if I am not comfortable to tell them the truth). My family and close friends know and some coworkers too. I would say it depends how you feel. Are you very open with people? You can always say that you feel that he is abusive. You don't have to totally trash him... but down the road that might happen.
"Is there a proper way to end things that will help me to recover?" I would say to just end things. I know that isn't really the answer you were hoping for. But if you end things and actually end them and have NO CONTACT with him, then you will heal a lot faster. The no contact rule is the only way to move on and heal. If you have no contact with him, then there will be no power and control from him.
Lauren
Good luck!! i am sure things will go very well
one thing you said really struck a chord with me -
"He has presented nothing but a wonderful and caring individual to the community. Behind closed doors he is a anger filled volcano ready to explode"
This is EXACTLY the case with my abusive H. In front of other people he puts on such a convincing show of being a caring, emphathetic husband, loving dad, and friendly, charming, popular guy
But the minute we are behind closed doors, the volcano explodes. usually withouth any reason! and if there IS a small reason (e.g. he had a bad day at work) then god help me...
I am not sure if anyone will believe me when I leave, and tell people why. and more importantly, I am not sure if I will be able to prove anything in court!! how on earth do you prove verbal abuse??
sometimes I wish he would just hit me so that I could show my bruises to someone
Don't respond to any appeals for friendship. He may be using this as a way to work on you; even if not, reasoning with an abuser is just about the biggest waste of time there is. "Reasoning with an abuser" is a contradiction in terms: they don't think reasonably and aren't interested in a mutually beneficial resolution, so it can't be done.
We've run into this a lot with my SIL's ex; both she and my husband's parents keep expecting him to respond like a normal adult, and are shocked when he doesn't. He *can't*, IMO; he is an abuser, and abusers simply do not react that way, any more than a lion is going to go vegetarian. It's better to maintain NO CONTACT, so that you get him out of your hair that much sooner and don't waste your time.