Posted in Wrong Area - Help Needed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Posted in Wrong Area - Help Needed!
6
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 6:06pm
My abuser and I are separating. I have found a new home but it will not be available until mid December. We are co-habitating at the present time. We own this house together. My abuser sent me an email last week wanting to be friends, offering to help me pack, move, do projects at my new place, etc. He also told me that he is putting me in a positive light with our immediate social circle and that the reason we are separating is because I have a great new job offer, I will no longer need to commute to work, and that I have issues with the vistiation of his two children. He also is disappointed with the visitation and the lack of notice and last minute changes that happen. These items are true except for the visitation statement. The schedule is not to my liking but I have verbally tole him that I support what he needs to do to keep the relationship with his children intact. The truth of what happened is that I confronted him with the abuse of his children and myself with the support of the local women's shelter. He admitted to the abuse but decided that a break up was the best solution. I was hurt but I have recovered enough to know that this relationship is dead. I have told a few key individuals (family, friends, bank, lawyer) and one friend as a support line in the event that the abuse escalates. I have not responded to my abusers appeal for friendship. I just want OUT! Should I keep the abuse a secret....keep my mouth shut as to why I am leaving...or is silence an abuser's best friend. It was very difficult telling the few individuals that I have...I felt dirty, vindictive, and mean. I felt like I was the abuser. He has presented nothing but a wonderful and caring individual to the community. Behind closed doors he is a anger filled volcano ready to explode. I am afraid of him. Part of me feels that I am in danger....a sitting duck. He is very secretive and his actions appear tense and mechanical. Am I being overly sensitive? Thanks ~Sassy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 8:06pm

Hey Sassy,

Even if you did tell him the reason you are leaving is because of abuse.... would he even believe you? I remember I told my abuser that he was abusive, but he still didn't think that is the reason I left him. Even if you did tell him that he was abusive, I bet he would never tell anyone else that. He would make something up as to why you left. It is totally up to you if you want to tell him, but if you have a bad feeling about it, then I would say NO you shouldn't tell him. You are leaving no matter what. Just depends if YOU want him to know.

I am happy to hear that you want OUT! I suggest that you don't take up his friendship offer. If he is still in your life, he will still be the same and still try and control you. You need to heal yourself and the best way to do that is to get far away from your abuser.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 9:57pm
Hi Lauren...I have told him that he is verbally and emotionally abusing his children and me. He admits that he is but instead of getting treatment he has chosen to end our relationship. My question is do I play his game and tell everyone that I am leaving because I have a new job in a new town and the step parenting challenges are too much for me. This is what he has told our friends....or do I tell the truth. I am leaving because I am being abused and he will not get help. Although I recognize that only 1% of abusers ever get better. I know that my departure is the best move possible and I am starting to look forward to my new life. Basically what I am asking is do I paint him in the same positive light that he has with me? I feel like if I just leave the hurt and pain he has caused me will never be punishable. Is wanting to punish him for what he has done wrong? For years I have lied for him and enabled him to treat me poorly. Do I continue to shield him or do I take a stand? I don't want to be vindictive but I certainly don't want to sneak out of town because I can't face the lies. Is there a proper way to end things that will help me to recover? ~Sassy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 11:14pm

Hey. Okay I get it now. You are so lucky to have an 'abuser' that is just going to walk away. He is not going to pressure you to stick around and wait for him to change, he is just giving up. That is the best kind. When I left my abuser, a few people knew why I was leaving. Some people don't know. I just tell people that we had a lot of problems that couldn't be fixed (if I am not comfortable to tell them the truth). My family and close friends know and some coworkers too. I would say it depends how you feel. Are you very open with people? You can always say that you feel that he is abusive. You don't have to totally trash him... but down the road that might happen.

"Is there a proper way to end things that will help me to recover?" I would say to just end things. I know that isn't really the answer you were hoping for. But if you end things and actually end them and have NO CONTACT with him, then you will heal a lot faster. The no contact rule is the only way to move on and heal. If you have no contact with him, then there will be no power and control from him.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 5:43am
Hi Again....I don't know how easy he is going to make it. He is doing some weird things right now. He has backed out on agreements, he has not seen a lawyer yet, he acts like we are still together and that this is just a small snag. We have broken ups so many times in the past and this is the farthest that I have taken it. I have actually purchased a new home! I think he is struggling right now and doesn't know what to make of things. I am going to do as you say....tell the friends that I truly trust. I am moving away and I do not intend on having any contact after so it really doesn't matter what others think or believe. I know he has disrespected me with his family and has told outlandish lies. They live far away and do not know me very well and will believe him. Our close contacts know and like me so he can't say too much because they will not believe him. Thanks Again ~ Sassy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 9:34am

Good luck!! i am sure things will go very well

one thing you said really struck a chord with me -
"He has presented nothing but a wonderful and caring individual to the community. Behind closed doors he is a anger filled volcano ready to explode"

This is EXACTLY the case with my abusive H. In front of other people he puts on such a convincing show of being a caring, emphathetic husband, loving dad, and friendly, charming, popular guy
But the minute we are behind closed doors, the volcano explodes. usually withouth any reason! and if there IS a small reason (e.g. he had a bad day at work) then god help me...

I am not sure if anyone will believe me when I leave, and tell people why. and more importantly, I am not sure if I will be able to prove anything in court!! how on earth do you prove verbal abuse??

sometimes I wish he would just hit me so that I could show my bruises to someone

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 10:48am

Don't respond to any appeals for friendship. He may be using this as a way to work on you; even if not, reasoning with an abuser is just about the biggest waste of time there is. "Reasoning with an abuser" is a contradiction in terms: they don't think reasonably and aren't interested in a mutually beneficial resolution, so it can't be done.

We've run into this a lot with my SIL's ex; both she and my husband's parents keep expecting him to respond like a normal adult, and are shocked when he doesn't. He *can't*, IMO; he is an abuser, and abusers simply do not react that way, any more than a lion is going to go vegetarian. It's better to maintain NO CONTACT, so that you get him out of your hair that much sooner and don't waste your time.

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