My Friend is Being Abused...Need Help
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| Thu, 11-16-2006 - 6:01pm |
How do you help someone who doesn't want to help themselves? My DH and I are good friends with our next-door neighbors, "Mike" and "Sue." Sue confided in me that Mike had an affair. I wasn't surprised, because he treats her like crap in front of us all the time. He's always mad about something. He swears at her and calls her names. He is VERY possessive of her and tries to sabotage any efforts she makes to get together with girlfriends. My DH, for some reason, still chooses to hang out with him. It bothers me because while he agrees Mike is an ass to Sue, he looks the other way. He claims if he ever heard or saw Mike directly do anything he would stick up for Sue, but there have been a few times when things have gotten heated and my DH doesn't want to make waves, so he ignores it. I don't want their marriage to affect our marriage, either.
The bottom line is that I hear ALL about what happens, from Sue. She needs someone to lean on, who won't judge her. She can't tell her Mom and most of her other friends b/c she doesn't want them to treat Mike differently! Clearly she is still protecting him despite his verbal and emotional abuse. She forgave him for the affair. She always did want he wanted. He said jump, she said how high...it goes on and on. But over the past few weeks, her birthday being a breaking point, she just had enough. Well, she had enough in the sense that she wouldn't give in after their last fight. She wouldn't let him break her no matter how much of a jerk he was. He of course is crazy confused, because she's never done this before. She's never stood up for herself and refused to bow to his commands or threats. He's threatened to leave but we all know that's a huge joke because he's a giant bully. The last time he said he wasn't coming home because he was going to get a hotel room we all said, "Great have a nice night." He just doesn't see how immature and controlling he is. I told Sue that Mike is waiting for HER to end the marriage so that he can turn around and say "See, SUE is the one who ruined this. SUE is the one who left ME. Poor me!" He even controls what she wears. I can't count the number of times she's told me that she had to try outfits on for Mike before she left, so he could approve them. Last week when she and I went out he gave her crap all day asking what she was wearing and then texted my DH a bunch of times asking "where is she taking my wife?" As if I was going to drag her off to a strip club or something. For the person who cheated he is awfully suspicious of her. He used to call me during the week from work asking if I knew where she was, and why didn't she pick up the phone? I finally told him to back off b/c I wasn't going to be her watchdog for him. He didn't ever call again, probably because he knew I was serious. He's obviously not used to someone telling him no. But it didn't stop him from acting that way. He can't stand when we're out in public and she's not right next to him. It's sick. He's told her he is just waiting for her to retaliate and go sleep with someone else. No matter how much she assures him it doesn't matter. He is still convinced and keeps tabs on her.
Actually who needs the most sympathy are their three kids. Who he has little involvement with. He's present but not plugged in. He barks orders and/or yells at them instead of talking. I've never heard him tell his kids he loves them. I've never seen him hug or kiss them. God forbid they interrupt him during football. He never puts them to bed unless he's forced to be home alone at night with them, on the slight chance Sue isn't there. It goes on and on.
So now that I know way too much about their marriage, and know that she is obviously unwilling to change things but knows that her marriage sucks, what am I supposed to do the next time she tells me "Mike told me I was a f---ing whore because of the top I wore yesterday" or whatever. Sue is VERY hypersensitive and VERY defensive, especially when it comes to Mike. It's like she is the only one who is allowed to say what a jerk he is. I'm afraid that our friendship will be injured if I tell her that I can't help her unless she helps herself. I'm sorry to go on and on here but I need to ask advice from people who have been in abusive relationships. Maybe someone reading this has been abused and felt the way my friend Sue feels. I don't want to kick her while she's down. I told her I will be there for her. She told me she doesn't like people giving her advice. Obviously she doesn't want to hear the truth and now I'm her sounding board. How can I be honest AND be a supportive friend at the same time? Thanks for reading.

Hi Meeyow.
I am happy that you came to this board asking some advice. There is no doubt in my mind that she is being abused. There are so many red flags in your post. The one that worries me the most is that they have 3 children that are in the middle of the abuse.
One very important thing is that you be there for her. Just be there for her is really what she needs. I have been in her spot where I can say how much a jerk he is, but I don't want other people saying he's a jerk. I am out of my abusive relationship, and I still don't like it when people say my EX was a jerk. Just be there for her, listen to her...
http://health.ivillage.com/mentalhealth/mhabuse/0,,mzcl,00.html
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=11955.1&ctx=4096
http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm (board website with TONS of info)
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=12038.1&ctx=0 (Article about children and abuse)
Hope this helps some. Also, you can always send her a link to this message board. Just make sure her Husband knows nothing about it. Maybe when she goes to your house she can come online and lurk a bit?
Lauren
Hi Lauren, your repsonse is very helpful, thank you. At this stage though, I think b/c she JUST told me about the affair, I'm afraid to start showing her website information and stuff like that because I think she will feel like I'm starting to shove stuff down her throat. I don't think it's wise for me to say or do anything until she brings up the next incident. I will absolutely save the information though, because if I get into a rut or don't know what to say, I'm sure it will come in handy.
If you don't mind me asking this question, since you said you were in an abusive relationship, maybe it will help me understand Sue better.
You said: "I have been in her spot where I can say how much a jerk he is, but I don't want other people saying he's a jerk. I am out of my abusive relationship, and I still don't like it when people say my EX was a jerk." Can you please explain that to me? My mind can't wrap itself around that concept. I just can't understand how Sue wants to keep this secret so much that she won't tell her own mother (who by the way, left her father when Sue was 7 because HE was an alcoholic abuser as well, and then her mother married a wonderful, fantastic man who has been Sue's "Dad" since she was in junior high). Sue told me no, she can't tell her Mom because her Mom has had too much therapy and will treat Sue like a patient in a group circle, and not her daughter. I think that's a bunch of crap and she's just embarrassed and/or afraid to admit to her Mom that she married a guy just like her father. Either way, what is the thinking/logic/rationale behind abused women's desire to protect and/or defend their abusers???? thanks again.
You know what.. I think the same that Sue is embarrased/ashamed to tell her mom about her husband because he is the same way as her father. Her mom is probably the best person for her to talk to... but she will when she is ready. Nobody can make Sue leave or go get help, except herself. Yes people can let her know that she is in a bad spot and he is abusive... but it usually takes us a long time to pack up and leave. It seems like all us victims have so much hope for our husbands/boyfriends will get better and that they will change... BUT only 1% of abusers change!!
I was embarassed to tell people that my boyfriend might be abusive.. I then came to this board and realized that I am not alone like I thought. It is really difficult dealing with an abusive man day in and day out. They brainwash us, they really do... I don't really know why I still don't like people calling my Ex a jerk. Maybe I am just defensive still about him for some strange reason. I always stood up for him when we were together. But it was always about him. Selfish! We split in July, so to me it still seems early... but it's been almost 6 months. The thing is, even though he was abusive, I still loved him.. for all the good qualities. I used to defent my abuser all the time too... which I don't know why I did? In a way I was probably scared. They have so much control you don't even know! It is horrible. Abusers are all about power and control. In a way it is like the abusers are our masters. We do as they say, and protect them and stand up for them even when they do horrible things to us. Sometimes they make us belive that we deserve it and they become even more powerful.
Oh about those websites.. I totally understand. There was a couple that I posted to you for dealing with a friend/family member in an abusive situation. Those were the ones I wanted you to have the most.. because those are for you. Down the road if she ever comes to you you can show her those other websites.
Anyways... I don't know if that helped in anyway. I tried to explain it a bit.. but it's hard to. Don't take this the wrong way okay.... Sometimes people that haven't been in abusive situations just don't understand how BAD being in an abusive relationship. It is very hard to describe... but they are scary, they brainwash us, nothing is ever good enough, they call you Wh*res for no reason at all... but then comes the nice stage of I'm sorry's and I'll change. It is a never ending rollercoaster ride.
Lauren
Hi Lauren,
Absolutely no apologies necessary, I would never take anything you said the wrong way because you're right...I can't fully understand because I haven't been in your shoes. I've lost two babies and I hated when people would say, "Oh you're still young, you can have more kids" or "it's God's will" and things like that, would drive me nuts. How do they know? They haven't delivered a dead child. Not to be graphic but it's the same idea. They didn't know what it felt like, they could only speculate and spew off cliches that they thought would help. So I completely understand. That's why I was asking questions because I wanted to learn without having to have Sue explain it to me...since she's obviously not ready yet.
I have a degree in psychology and I have worked with abused children in the past, as well as people with many other disorders. So this is sort of my bread and butter, in a way. I really am fascinated in a psychological and scientific way of why people think and act they way they do. I've actually called Mike a "psychological treat" because it just is an area of life that I am always curious about. WHY does he act that way and WHY does she put up with it?
Right now I feel like I'm Sue's only "lifeline." Mike has been "working from home" all week, something else he does quite frequently. He used to work out of state 4-5 days a week and then changed jobs b/c he was sick of traveling. I don't know how, but he managed to find a local job where he could also basically stay home whenever he wanted to. Sue likes it a lot b/c she has more freedom during the day, but I think a lot of him being home is to control her even more, to know where she is every minute of the day. His car has not budged from their driveway since Monday morning. I think this particular week he's doing it partially because things have been especially rocky between them the past few weeks since her birthday, like I said before. So I think this is yet another ploy on his part to make her miserable so she'll crack...be in her face all day, etc. The other funny thing is she does not call me when he's home, or rarely does. I don't call her either because I feel uncomfortable. I don't know why, I just do. We talk on the phone or go outside to talk constantly when he's at work. Is that weird or just me?
Your links will absolutely help, I have bookmarked them in case I ever have the opportunity to send them to her.
This is probably the hardest situation I've dealt with that didn't involve me personally. I hope I can be the kind of friend she needs.
You know what, I really believe that you are Sues lifeline here. It doesn't sound like she has any other friends or family that she would talk about this to. Especially her mom.. might take her a long time to admit her problems to her mom, but she will when she is ready. Sue doesn't realize how lucky she is to have a friend like you. It will really help down the road with all the backgound that you have.
You are right on the dot with Mike staying home because he wants to control her even more. It is all about power and control with abusers. That is all! They need power and they will try and do anything! Maybe he is slowly going to try and cut you out of their life. He will say that you are a bad influence and if she respects him then she won't see you anymore. See how they can totally twist stories around. I don't think it is weird that you only see her when he is at work. That is the way it goes sometimes. Abusers make us feel bad for seeing our friends and family. We start to feel guilty and shut everyone out. Beware of that okay. They always say if you respect me you will do that...... but it only works one way. Abusers don't respect their significant other one bit... even tho they always blame the other person for not respecting them.
It sounds like they are in the 'buil-up' stage right now... it will eventually move to the 'explosion' and then head to the 'hearts and flowers stage' This is the way that all abusive relationships work... the only way to end the abuse cycle is to break away. Maybe you already know all of this..?
I think you have mentioned about her Birthday a few times. I had a horrible Birthday in July thanks to my abuser. That was the last straw and soon after I moved out and left him. He was so childish on my birthday, never wished me happy birthay or even gave me a card.. well he gave me a card at the end of the day! woohoo, not! He called me a bitch and a wh*re and every other name... The day was all about him, not even me.. like I think I deserve a happy birthday from the person that says they will do anything for you.
I hope Sue opens her eyes soon and realizes what kind of relationship she is in. She is very lucky to have a friend like you.
Lauren
Thanks Lauren, I hope I am a good friend to her.
Gosh, your birthday and Sue's may as well have been the same. Her bday is on Halloween and she spent the entire day going to all of her children's schools (three different ones) volunteering for their individual class parties, putting costumes together, etc., etc., and what did Mike do? He took the day off, dropped one kid off at school, and attended one of the other kid's parties. The rest of the day he sat on his ass at home and did nothing. He made her go out and pick up dinner too, instead of taking care of it himself since he was home all day with no kids around. When Sue was getting all three kids ready for trick-or-treating, her daugher was upset about something and Mike of course got angry and Sue said, "You're being useless today." And he naturally took that and ran, telling her she could take the kids out alone. Which she did. Until he joined up a few blocks later, so he could "commiserate" with the other husbands and try to gain their sympathy about what a bitch she was being.
Here's the thing though....the guys all KNOW he's an ass to her. They have seen him go off on her time and time again. They tell him he's being a jerk and he straigtens up, for them. For the time being. I am afraid that my DH is going to continue to be buddies with him despite his horrible treatment of Sue. I get worried that for the sake of "keeping the peace" or loyalty to the guys, that he and our other guy friends are going to continue to look the other way. Especially when I get involved...like last weekend when he practically accused me of taking Sue out to pick up guys. I told my DH if he EVER says anything like that to me again I'm giving him an earful because he is not only insulting Sue now, he's shifting it to me. But he'll say it to me with a smile on his face, like he acts like he's kidding. I know better.
I totally know what you mean about the cycle...they are going out of town this weekend to visit family for the holiday. I talked to her for about 30 minutes today while she was out running errands and she mentioned nothing about how they were getting along. She acted like everything was fine, they were going out to eat later, they'd been running around doing errands, etc. You'd have thought it was peachy. I was afraid to ask so I didn't. But I wouldn't be surprised if they're in a "rosy" period again, that for the sake of the trip, she is giving in, even if temporarily.
I casually asked if Mike was sick (i.e. why he was home all week) and she goes, "Oh, nobody was at the office this week, there was no point in him going in." Yeah right, that's what HE told her. Our other friend said he's lucky he hasn't gotten fired yet, and that he's been telling Sue a lot of other guys work from home just like he does, but that it's all a lie because he knows the other guys don't work from home. Mike is the only one who is gone that much. So clearly there is more going on (besides the fact that he's Mr. Self Gratification and a total lazy ass). I don't only see her when he's at work, but I absolutely don't hang out with her when he's home during the week. We will see them on weekends frequently, usually as a group (or the guys all go out together because of course, it's okay if Mike goes out).
I hope I'm not talking your ear off...it's SO helpful to talk to someone who's been there AND is out of the situation. Your hindsight is very helpful to me.
Mike was so selfish on Sue's Birthday! It makes me so mad how they treat us like sh*t on our birthday's and change the whole day around to be about them!!!
You know what.. I don't know if it was peachy when you seen Sue the other day. I pretended all the time. When I was around my abusers friends, his family and sometimes even my family. It was bad.. but it was sometimes just easier to pretend then to just b*tch at each other. I remember going out and we pretended everything was fine, but when we were alone we just wouldn't talk to each other. It was so stupid!
Sue is defending Mike about the whole Mikes work thing. OR Mike told her that... but I really doubt it was because of a slow week. I am almost positive it was so Mike could watch her and control her even more. He can't control her when he isn't around wathcing her.
"(or the guys all go out together because of course, it's okay if Mike goes out)" Wow.. I have heard this statement a lot! I have heard it a few times from a girlfriend of mine that I am worried about. She is currently doing the long distance thing with her boyfriend.. but there is so many warning signs. It really sucks watching them go thru all the pain and heartache. They have so much hope for their man to get better and change.. but that is unlikely to happen.
Oh.. and you're not talking my ear off! Post as much as you like okay.
Lauren
Dear Meeyow,
After reading your post, I think I can be someone who can relate a little to your friend Sue as I am going through a difficult period I my marriage right now. My DH and I have been married 3.5 yrs and have a young 16-month-old son. While I believe the root of our problems is my DH being depressed and out of work, etc. and I am trying to get him to see someone, in the meantime his behavior one could say at time is borderline verbally abusive. As a psychology major, I realize this, but when it happens to yourself, what you once said how you would act and do, is not the same when it ACTUALLY happens to you. I don’t want to do into details, but I can relate to your friend, defending his actions, wanting you to be there to listen, but doesn’t want to hear your advice.
I know when my friends were talking to me, they would go overboard in trying to pull information out of me, so much so that it was too intense for me and I became overwhelmed, so I just started to close up. Sue needs someone to be there for her, listen, and when she is ready to come to you for advice she will. My situation is not as bad as Sue’s, but some of the feelings she is going through are similar to mine. Like Sue, I deep down am well aware of what certain people see my DH say or how he says it, I also know behind close doors, they never see me respond to him either and I do, which usually gets him aggravated. Why do I stay you ask? Well, for me I feel that my Dh is going through a rough period and needs me to be there for these worst times, honestly I am concerned what he may do to himself. I know it is not easy for other people to understand why and don’t expect them too. I also know that eventually, I will have to make a permanent decision for myself and my son on whether to continue this way or say, I have done all I can do to try and help him and now I have to let go.
Sue is in a very trying difficult situation right now and while you know it isn’t right, you can’t overwhelm her with that knowledge, she already is well aware of it, but just can’t find her way yet. Just be there for her the best you can without hurting yourself as well.
I'm going to give a bit of a different perspective, formed because of some things we went through with my SIL. With some victims, you have to walk a very fine line between not letting their abuser break down their support network, and not enabling them to stay in the situation. It sounds like your friend is one of these. What I would do is this. Give her the links, give her the resources. Then explain to her that you are her friend, but that protecting him is getting her nowhere, and when she is ready to take action she should let you know. Redirect any further conversations back to this, and change the subject.
It's important for victims to have a shoulder to lean on, but it sounds a bit to me like this has turned into her venting to you, and the venting making her feel less in need of action, KWIM? Like I said, it's a fine line, because you don't want the abuser to put a wedge in the relationship (and they LOVE to do this) but you don't want to inadvertently enable it to continue. Best of luck, and do keep us posted.