breaking free for good - so scared?
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| Sun, 11-19-2006 - 8:04am |
Hia Friends, some of you know my situation , and some of you dont. Im Tracey a.k.a - Liverbabe333 from over the big pond - UK.
I left my verbally and emotionally abusive husband 5 months ago, i applied for a housing association home and because of the state of my mind they very kindly helped me straight away.
Ive been away now and im feeling much better even though i do keep going back to the house as my pets are still there , the reasons being , i was told that i was going to have my kitchen done as soon as i moved in , and i havent had it done yet and the cats will be stressed enough being moved again , im just trying to make everything alright i suppose.
Anyway to cut a long story short - i cant leave them there any longer , hes looking after them but obviously they are on their own all day and i know that they are missing me and my daughter whos 16.
So im going to go and get them , kitchen done or not , and im going to try and get the rest of the stuff out of the house.
Im doing all this on my own so its very hard , ive got not freinds as he drove them all away with unsociable attitude.
Ive got things i need to get out with the help of a van but i dont know how im going to do it.
He obviously wants me to come back , but the way i feel now , i realised how bad things were when i was with him.
Hes saying he still loves me and cant live without me , but on the other hand hes not willing to go and get help , so actions speak louder than words.
He doesnt even ACKNOWLEDGE that he acutually has a problem , he says im making a big thing of it , im too emotional , i will be ok if i go and get help , everything will be ok then.
I know if i go back i will not be happy , i will not be satisfied, i will not have the life i want , i will not be allowed to express my emotions , i will not be allowed to cry , i will be on pins everytime the postman has been , i will not be allowed to go where i want to go on holiday, i will be given "jobs" to do everyday, the list goes on and on , im really struggling here in my new house , but GOD IM SO MUCH HAPPIER.
Im just feeling very worried about how hes going to react when i stop going round , i dont want him to think bad of me. I know how that sounds , but thats just me.
Am i normal to feel like this?
And what do i say to him to reply to the fact the he thinks im making a big deal out of it , im too emotional etc, i mean lets face it , ive left him now about 5 times , if he doesnt realise that theres a problem , or is it that he doesnt want to face it.?
The most IMPORTANT thing for me in all this is THAT HE GETS WHAT HES DONE, i dont want to walk away with him thinking --"why". I want him to realise that i do beleive in the vows we took , i do beleive in marriage but i just cant be miserable , unhappy , ill , and compromise myself any longer when im not getting equal back?.
And then there christmas coming , im worried about him on his own on xmas day , but then again , he says i make a big fuss about it , and its only another day to him, so why do i feel like this?
Thanks
Hugs
Tracey x

Hi Tracey,
I'm a little confused... so you live in a house that you moved but the kitchen in the house is not finished yet? Can you eat and cook and stuff??
Yes, doing all of this on your own is very hard.. but you know what, now you have this board to come to and post as much as you like or need to. We are all here for you okay. Would you want to reconnect with your friends? You could explain your situation. You were in a very tough spot and if you explained to them, then maybe they would totally understand. Do you have any family around?
Yes, he does want you to come back. He will say everything you want to hear... but he won't follow thru with those promises, whether they be he will change, he loves you and will never hurt you, he will not hit you again... whatever it is.. is a lie that is coming out of his mouth. He sees that he is losing control over you and he wants to have the power and control back. It is all about control here.
"but the way i feel now , i realised how bad things were when i was with him." ***This is a very important key. It was bad with him, I totally understand that.. but it is probably sooo much better now that you are away from him right?
"Hes saying he still loves me and cant live without me , but on the other hand hes not willing to go and get help , so actions speak louder than words." *** My abuser said this same thing over and over again. He can't live without me and he will fall in a big black hole. It made me feel very guilty when I said I couldn't do it anymore. Why did it make me feel guilty? It shouldn't have... but all abusers make us feel guilty.
You are not too emotional, and you are not the one with the problem. HE IS THE PROBLEM! But the thing with abusers, they think they ae perfect and don't think they have a problem. They never take responsibility about anything. They are so quick to blame everything on someone or something else. Yes, you can go get help AFTER you leave him. It is a good idea to go speak with a cousellor who specializes in Domestic Abuse.. but don't go with him.
"I know if i go back i will not be happy , i will not be satisfied, i will not have the life i want , i will not be allowed to express my emotions ...etc... but god i'm so much happier" *** This is also a very VERY important key. You said yourself that if you go back you will not be happy. You need to be selfish here and think about you and your daughter. It is not about HIM anymore. You deserve to be happy and the only way to be happy is to get far away from this man. It took me awhile to stop talking to my abuser after I left. I did wonder how he was doing and all that jazz... but in the end I needed to take care of myself. He was out of my life. I was not getting back together with him. I just don't care what he says about me anymore. I heard horror stories about him Ex, and I am sure he will tell horror stories about me... but you know what. I feel bad for the next girl that gets with him. That will come with time to think like that. But you deserve so much better. I hope you realize that.
You feel the way you do because you are human and you think about other people well being. Your abuser is not very nice. He only thinks about himself... just like my abuser and many many other abusers. I strongly feel that you need to CUT ALL TIES with this man and move on. Talking to him and seeing his is only taking more steps backwards than forwards. The only way that you can move forward in live is to stop talking to him and have NO CONTACT. I know it is hard, but it is possible.
Hugs. Lauren
Babe, I'm so proud of you for making your big break!
Hon, I really wouldn't expend too much energy on making sure he "gets it". I know that with Leon-the-Loony, I desperately wanted him to understand that what he had done was wrong and why, but in the end, I had to accept that it was like expecting a dog to understand calculus. You see, he honestly didn't think he had done anything unusual, so he certainly wasn't going to even think it was wrong, much less why. I finally had to accept that that is just the abuser mindset and move on.
As to logistics, I agree to try contacting churches, etc. Work your way through the phone book if you have to. Also, do you have a DV shelter nearby? They may be able to help. Be persistent- you CAN do this!
I definitely agree with all who posted about them not recognizing they have a problem. H was on the phone with his sister lastnight, overhearing an abusive argument, similar but not even as bad as some of ours. He never made the connection, never will.
Hang in there! You've come so far and it will get even better. Best of luck!
Hey -
He's tried the "I can't live without you" before.
Blueliner4
(aka The Pixie Princess)