Confusing

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Confusing
4
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 2:41pm

Well the situation has changed a little. I am very interested in any opinions and advice, but hear me out until the end of this post.

This will not come as a surprise to any of you, H pulled the tears and sorry routine. It only came as a surprise to me, cause in 8 years it's the 1st time. From reading on this board, it's a common tactic so the bells in my head went off and my guard went up and I couldn't even acknowledge him or his words. This was after he wanted to discuss things and was pulling the "do I go to the lawyer or what", when my response was yes he didn't know what to do. He basically agreed the next day that it was him, wanted to go out discuss our problems. Why I agreed I don't know. But when we talked, I held my ground and it felt great! He made a comment to me, about my not seeming to care, later that night. I looked him in the eye and said, "It's not that I don't care, I'm reluctant, we've talked, nothing's changed" I'm feeling good about that cause I always caved in and backed down, never spoke up for myself. He did follow through with solving one problem, his total control over his money. I'm a SAHM. We went over all the bills together. I will ask him about the joint safe tonight. As of now I have limited access to family documents.

I'm feeling torn. I had sex with him last night. I kind of feel bad about myself for it, maybe cause I did enjoy it. On top of that I am feeling a little guilty about it, because I do not feel "in love" with him. I have many bad and beautiful memories with him. So am I sending mixed messages? In the end I do expect this marriage to fail, I don't believe that he can stop being controlling. But I am going to be here for the holidays, and he is (atleast for now) changing things as we go. I have told him this is the last time I will put myself out there and make myself available to him, that I will leave.

I also figure that sitting down and doing the bills is just that, it's not sharing. But I do it because I think there may be some valuable info to have if I end up going to the lawyer myself. I'm bringing up the safe because I at least want a chance to copy the family documents for myself, to keep in another location should he take them back later. I do feel a bit deceitful, but those are just as much mine and if I have to obtain them behind his back I will. He has copies of things with my signature, tax returns, insurance polocies, plus our 2 kids in common ss cards and BC. Tax filing will be here before I know it, and will suggest a joint acct, it previously went into his. I won't sign that way. I won't go backwards anymore. This is my life too and I want it back. I come to this board to remind myself that chances are he wont change. I see him in a different light, so I can't believe. I'm getting the info I need, or as much of it as possible. I have dedicated too much of myself to walk away with out my share. If it were to change, if I felt we were in danger, I'd go with just my kids.

It's hard to read the stories on here sometimes, cause I don't want this pain for anyone, and reliving my past is hard. I'm kidding myself if I start to forget it all though. I'm very grateful to all of you for sharing your situations, and the responses and support here. Best of luck to us all! Thanks for reading!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: cschristiaa
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 10:10pm

Hey Carrie,

I am happy to hear that you are standing up for yourself. It is very hard to do with abusers.. but you did it! You spoke your mind and said what you wanted to. Way to go :)Don't beat yourself up over having sex with him. You don't need that right now. You enjoyed it, don't make yourself feel bad. I had sex with my abuser too after I left. Ya it was silly, but there is nothing I can do now. I enjoyed it at the time, and in a way it was what I needed. Just sex without any feelings involved. "In the end I do expect this marriage to fail, I don't believe that he can stop being controlling." **This is very important what you stated. You said so yourself that you don't think it will work. It is just a matter of time now.

Good Luck to you :o)
Lauren

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: cschristiaa
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 10:29am

The plot thickens...

SIL moved 5 months ago with a guy she knew about 5 months. After hearing a rumor that she's be coming home to stay instead of visit for T-giving, cause the guy was becoming abusive, we called to see if she needed anything. Sure enough he's in the background calling her a whore, he's going to slash her tires. We called 911 to get ahold of cops in her state. They arrested him on outstanding warrants. Once it was over and we knew she was safe, H says "you thought I was bad". I reminded him that he has hit me before and pulled my hair. He had no comment. SIL is waiting for us to wire her money, packing up a uhaul and coming home.

Guess what? I asked about the "joint safe" for our documents. Actually, I told him we'd be doing it tonight. He told me that if I wanted something I needed to not make demands. I left the room and slept on the couch. I can't freaking believe him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: cschristiaa
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 11:45am

Wow, about your SIL. I am happy to hear that you are there for her and they got the guy and she is now coming home. Why doesn't your H think he is bad? Becuase he has only hit you and pulled your hair. Give me a break. All abusers are bad, no matter how severe they are.

When is anything going to get done if you don't ask! It will never get done! He is doing it on purpose... he wants you to wait. My abuser took forever to do things. We lived together and rented a basement suite. It wasn't the nicest, so I bought a couple lights for him to put up in the bathroom and kitchen. He never did it for 6 months. Right after I left, he put them up!!!! I was like WTH!!

Lauren

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: cschristiaa
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 9:29pm

I had appt with my counselor tonight. I'm talking about how happy I am that she has realized that this isn't right after 5 months, while I lived it for 4 years the 1st time. It's honestly been an exhausting day, because I've been on the phone with her all day, she's really afraid! I had to make H go there, I told him how upset she was and he drove to Jersey. I told him she needed him. He just got there at 8:45pm est. Still when he agreed to go, I thanked him, told him he was doing the right thing and it would be easier on her having him there. He freaking said "I don't understand why you think you have it so bad" I would scream, if I could meet with him on an emotional level, feel any emotion at all for him. But most of my emotions are gone.

We just charged $350. for a uhaul, for her to get away from this guy that called her a whore and threatened to slash her tires, and I convinced him to be there for her! Duh! I've heard so much worse! The man has told me he knows where to bury me, on his 4.5 acre lot. Alright, that was 6 years ago, but obviously has not left my mind. It's just ironic to me!!! I'm convincing my abusive H to go get his sister from an abusive situation!!

I feel like a selfish little thing right now. Cause H is 6 hrs away, I'm going to get some of that financial info from the locked desk while he's gone! Cause while I was 8 mo pregnant with DD, he wouldn't speak to me and I was done sitting for the time. I broke into it and took my kids money he had locked up for food. I got busted, but I did pay them all back. I took the kids money, cause it was easier than sacrificing what little self-respect I had at the time, and asking him. I know how to get into some of it, and I will get what I can. Sorry, got long, but H is 6 hrs away!

Thanks for any who read! I really appreciate it!
Carrie