Should I be Concerned? Domestic Abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Should I be Concerned? Domestic Abuse?
6
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 6:17am

dh and i have been together for 6 years, married for 4. the 1st year was heaven, the 2nd year was tough...there were a lot of fights, name calling (me a bitch,etc.when we fought). we married in year 3...we have had a lot of happy times and i love dh with all of my heart. i am not wondering if any of his threats or "promises" should be of concern.

he has threatened to hit me a few times...and have gotten really close in my face screaming at me (during a fight). he also pushed me during this fight, and another, but hasn't hit me. he apologized to me afterward.

this happened 3x so far...should i be concerned?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 12:32pm

Welcome to the board girloglitz :o)

First of all I think you should check out this website:
http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm

There is a bunch of lists/quizzes of 'are you being abused'. There is a lot of information on there that would really help you understand the intensity of abuse.

There is a few warning signs of abuse in your post. Him yelling at you, in your face, threatening to hit you, pushing you. Those are definite signs of abuse to me. I was in an emotional/verbal abusive relationship. My abuser never hit me, but it was still abusive. He called me horrible names, twisted stories around, was severely jealous. He would turn into a totally different person. Just the look in his eyes would scare me. He of course would cry and cry and apologize after he called me names. I would always accept his apologies thinking that he actually was sorry. BUT after it happened over and over again, I started to realize that it was a cycle and that he wasn't sorry like he said he was.

Anyways, I really think that he will eventually hit you. Him threatening to hit you is a sign here. Over time all abusive realtionships turn physical. I am sure that this is not the information that you were hoping for. I had so much hope for my relationship to work out with my abuser... but it was one sided. I was the one changing and doing all the work. He was selfish, just like all abusers.

Keep posting as much as you need to okay. We are all here for you.
Lauren


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 5:10pm
Yes, you should be concerned. He has already got physical with you. This is abuse. He is seeing how much you will take- threats, pushing, ... it just escalates. Yes you love him but he has no right to treat you this way and I think you know that but are just questioning "how bad is it". Abuse can come in many forms and be any severity. You should be concerned. See about calling a domestic abuse hotline or see a domestic abuse counselor, if possible, to sort though all this and get some support. Always feel free to post here too. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 4:32pm

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RESPONSES...I AM SO GRATEFUL!

well, the pushing was physical, i guess...but not really. i wasn't hurt. we used to fight (argue) a lot during the 2nd year of our relationship...but we now fight every once in a while. the last fight we had he pushed me and got in my face telling me he would hit me...that was a few months ago. this week we had a heated discussion and i raised my voice at him...he yelled back and told me if i ever do that again, in front of the children, he would hit me. this hasn't happened a lot...just 3x in 6 years...and for the most part he is not this way...just when arguments get really bad. he usually does take a lot from me.

he has been extremely cruel during our occasional fight...he has told me on a few occasions that if we breakup i am going to be the one to leave, without the kids (we have 2)...that our son doesn't even like me. our son has a stronger bond with dh than me, right now...and he let's me know this whenever we fight.

i had severe postpartum depression...and he would tell me, during fights, that i was the crazy one and needed help...he has been just out right cruel...but again, it isn't on a regular basis.

he talks down to me a lot...whenever i spill something the world ends! he talks to me like i am a child! he orders me not to ever drink upstairs, even though i pay most of the bills here.

i do feel myself detaching from him...resenting him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 6:12pm

Welcome, Glitz.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 6:25pm

Glitz, I just read your second post.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 12:04pm

Your situation sounds a lot like my previous relationship. The ex always said he would take the kids and leave if I didn't stay. One time I called the cops cause he punched me in the eye in front of the kids and I fell back on DD. When I left to call the cops he wouldn't let me take her out of the house. We moved that night. I had an anxiety attack and he was telling me I was f'ing crazy he was going to call an ambulance. I know what you mean about feeling like a child. It sucks! This may happen only sometimes, but it will probably get worse, mine did. He attacking you verbally too, trying to make you feel like you're crazy and throw simple mistakes in your face. I just hope he doesn't manage to wear you down where you feel like nothing. That's my problem now, I feel like I'm sometimes not capable. You certainly don't deserve any of this. I found the best counselor at the local abuse center, I recommend talking with one, they genuinely understand and have plenty of advice and resources. Best of luck!

Carrie