Hurt...again
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| Wed, 11-22-2006 - 6:52pm |
It's really hitting me right now, the pain of all of this. Have been concerned for SIL and her getting home safely with her DD. PMS isn't helping it much.
Last week I felt good again, stood up for myself. H is on his way home from packing up my SIL, over heard an abusive conversation with her boyfriend on the phone the night before. It's really hitting me, he didn't want that for his sister, and he's capapble of loving someone, DD and DS also. It's just hurting me so much right now that he's never loved me. God! He's done so much worse to me than what we over heard on the phone, and his comment "And you thought you had it bad" It's just very hard right now to accept that I have been doing this for 8 years. I'm so angry that I have been treated this way, that for so long I ignored it, cause confronting him with it would've been worse. Somebody please remind me that this is not my fault! It's hard to believe I don't have a part in this treatment if he can treat other's well. He'd drive 6 hrs just to get there for her. But I'm not worth a crap. I've spent 7 years doing what he wanted me to do, how, and when. He worries for her, and treats me with little if any respect and dignity, compassion. I'm sick to my stomach.
I was feeling good about getting things done and taking my time to do it well and not get screwed, now I question that. This place is toxic. I feel stupid cause I must have gotten a little off track or less focused. Do any of you have the same thoughts? How'd you do it when you did get out. Or how are you working through it to get out? Think I will make another appt with DA counselor. Althought I still get freaked out about it being close to his work, also he had business cards from a factory down the road that day I had my appt. Any encouraging words would be appreciated, just need to feel like I'm accomplishing something. Never did go through things last night, felt guilty.
Thanks again!
Carrie

I will tell you a million times that this isn't your fault. It is the truth and I will tell you over and over again. He is the one treating you this way. You don't have any part in the way he is treating you. He will say it is your fault, but that is because abusers just don't take any responsibility. You will start to see that. They never do!! Ever!!! The thing about abusers, to people outside of the relationship, he will seem perfect. He will seem like the perfect husband, son, father .. everything!! But that is on the outside. If people were to see what he acted like towards you, their opinions would change. Abusers only treat their family like sh*t. I don't know why that is. They have family and friends that they get along with great. But for some reason we are the bad people. No matter what you do, it will never be good enough for him. EVER! You need to understand that. They will always always find fault in something.
When I decided to leave my abuser, it was kind of spur of the moment. At the end of June we started talking about me moving out and living on my own. At the beginning, we both thought we could work out our problems. We got into a massive fight on July 1st. July 2nd and 3rd he was Mr. Perfect. Everything was perfect in our life. He acted like everything was fine... but it wasn't. I couldn't believe the way he treated me on July 1st (my birthday) We started to drift apart, and one night we were talking and I mentioned about us not working out. I think he was 1/2 a sleep because he didn't remember. The next night I said do you remember what we talked about and he said no. I said that I don't think we will make it. He had a huge meltdown. I have never seen him beg before and cry so much. But it didn't make me crack. I couldn't fall for those empty promises again. I was done. He told me to go sleep on the couch. Fine I did. He woke me up at 6:00 by packing up a bunch of my stuff. He was mean that morning. I was very scared that day. I went to work, but I must have really been out of it. My boss told me to leave work early and go pack up as much stuff as I can. I did pack as much as I could. I was scared that he would come home and flip out on me. I got out before he got home. I went and stayed with a couple friends for about a week until I moved into my new place. I seen him a few times during that week. I seen his mom and she begged me to go and take him back. Nope, that didn't work either. My abuser went in spurts of being nice to me and being mean to me. One minute he would be crying and all sad, the next he would be saying he hates me and what a wh*re I am. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Not you or me. (Sorry that got long)
Anyways, you deserve so much more. If you want to be happy again, the only way is to end things and move on. Yes, it is hard, but it is possible. I have never once heard of someone saying that they regret leaving their abuser. That is just not possible.
Lauren
Carrie, abusers feel entitled to control THEIR PARTNERS by any means possible.
If I'm correct, your abuser didn't physically abuse you either? It still amazes me how with words and gestures you were, and I am still somewhat afraid. Sometimes I question whether this was/is abuse, cause he's stopped for the most part since I've not been wholeheartedly here. I have to remind myself that he meant to control me, and this is just his way of trying to keep me here. Thanks so much for all of your replies! I guess in a way, I am still moving on, even though I'm still here.
Thanks so much,
Carrie