the letter he wrote
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| Wed, 11-22-2006 - 11:45pm |
this is the letter i got from him this afternoon...........what do you think???
baby...i am sorry for all that i have done to you. i am truly sorry that it has taken me this long to realize what a horrible person, friend, and husband that i have been to you. i was thinking about how upset i was because you wanted me to change. but i realize that you have opened up my eyes and shown me who i have become. i can't help but finally realize that i am weak because i have refused to accept that you are right about me having to change...and i understand now that it's not that you are trying to change me, but you are showing me what is best for me and for us. i'm sorry that it has taken me this long to do something about who i have become...i am sooooo sorry that i had to hit rock-bottom with you and see how crushed you are for me to see all of my b*lls**t.
i am sorry for making you angry and making you become someone who you are not. i am sorry for my anger rubbing off on you. i am sorry for breaking stuff in our home. it is *our* home and i should have shown more respect for us and what we are trying to build. i am sorry for every single time that i have yelled at you and been in your face. i should never have yelled at you before my sister's rehearsal dinner, before our rehearsal dinner, in boston, or ever. i am admitting that i have an anger problem...i swear that i will fix this. i can't imagine my life without you...it would be empty and without purpose for me...you have brought so much joy to my life through all of our ups and downs. i married you and and only you because i wanted to start a family with you. i know you will say that i am only saying that in light of the present situation...but the truth is, that i have no good reason to not be ready for kids with you...i am immature and i have been selfish...i don't know what i'm waiting for.....i want you to know that as soon as i start dealing with my anger problems and when you are ready, i will be ready, too. i am sorry that i am so delayed in my realizations... you are right, you are almost always right..... i lost my life in the marine corps because i couldn't control myself. i almost lost my job at the training school because i couldn't control my temper. and now i am hanging on for my life with you and faced with loosing you.....and you and our marriage is more important than anything that i have ever loved and committed to...so i beg you not to take yourself away from me, i beg you not to give up on me...you are the most important thing i have ever had...you and i are family...please don't take that away from me. ari - i can and i will change... i do need your help...or support, rather in going to counseling...i will do it for me, i will do it b/c i finally fully see how it has hurt you and our marriage.
things that i will work on and do with no questions asked: treating you and your views with respect, i will not say the f*g word or b***h word, i will keep my anger at bay, i will merge my money with you...i have been so scared for no reason... i will no longer say anything about the cleanliness of our home...being ocd about it is my issue and not yours...i won't subject you to it...you can mess up the rugs voluntarily or invountarily...i have also decided that it would be in my best interest and the interest of my life and future with you to not pursue any type of fighting/martial arts... i will NEVER again get into a fight unless it is to protect you or our family-to-be from another person's physical harm. if you tell me to walk away from a fight b/c i wrongly assessed the situation, i will remember that it is you who is important to me and not my own interest/agenda and pointless pride.
i cannot bear the thought of you not being my life, not b/c i'm afraid of being alone, but b/c my life is you, us, and everything that we ever talked about having and building together.....please give me one more chance to show you all of my support and trust for you...your happiness is my happiness and i don't need anything else in this world...i will treat you like i once did...please forgive me, love...if i falter, then there's nothing more i can do.....i beg you to give me one final chance to fix myself so that i can show you who you fell in love with...please. i love you, baby-girl.

Honestly, I think the letter is BS, but that is becuase I know how abusers work. Yes, I do in a way feel for the guy. I feel bad for him, it really does seem like he cares for you. But to me, I know how abusers work and they apologize over and over and never change. Ever! I don't trust him. I don't think he will change anytime soon.
The suggestion I give you if you want to end up with him is to give him one more chance by..... leaving him, letting him change on his own, seeing if he goes to counselling and gets better. That is the true test. If he wants you back bad enough he will do anything to try and win you back. BUT the catch is, only 1% of abusers change. That is with high intensity therapy, willing to change and of course seeing there is a problem and wanting to change. Most abusers don't even think they have a problem.
Please see the website that I gave you in your last post. It states many ways in which an abuser will say he will get better. The I'm sorry's and I will change and I will go to counselling..... that is all in the letter he gave you.
The bad thing about the letter is that reading it, he has a way of convincing us he will do everything.... But I don't trust him. I only think he is saying that to suck you back in teh trap and get control over you once again.
Lauren
Honey, I just want to ask one thing.
Wow so convincing... almost.
I agree with the other posts that this is all part of an abuser's tactic. The fact that his "anger problems" seem to effect all aspects of his life is a good sign that this is part of who he is and he will not change. Guess how he will respond if he does not get the reaction he wants from you??????????????????? The sad thing is he probably does love you and feels that his behavior is just fine, the problem is you don't see it that way(you know better). It hurts; I know because my X is the same way. I feel sorry for my X because I know he loves me and needs me. I feel sorry for him because he feels abuse = love, but that doesn't mean I need to accept it and that is not a lesson I want my son to learn. Stay strong. Do what is best for you, not him.
Another thing that I thought of:
If you show this letter to anybody that hasn't dealt with an abuser, I bet they will tell you to take him back. You are doing the right thing by coming here and posting your letter. The letter is so very convincing... BUT we over on this board know what abusers are like.... and that letter is written from an abuser.
Lauren
well, he drove six hours today and showed up at my mother's house. I didn't know what to do. My mother told me that if I wanted to let him in, she was not leaving my side. It was so sad but the amazing thing is...i felt so empowered. I told him that i was staying at my mother's for the month and not coming back. I think he was totally shocked. I told him I withdrew from my graduate school classes and left the job I love with all my heart. They told me they would take me back if I decided to come back in a couple of months but that job is all I think about.
I keep thinking he'll change and I should give him that chance. It's not like he beat me but the thing is, I just dropped my entire life and everything I loved. I have to keep remembering that if I left my entire life behind, it was a big deal.
How do I deal with this guilt??? I kept telling him that I asked him to change for two years and he didn't. He tells me that he didn't realize the severity of his behavior until he was faced with losing me.
AAAAAH! I hate this! I'm here with no job, at my mothers (whom I love dearly but I haven't lived here in 10 years), i quit grad school, left my friends. How can I not feel like running right back to that life?
I am happy to hear that you told him you are staying at your moms for a month and not going back. That will give you a lot of time to think and get everything in order.
Can you find the same kind of job where you are staying now?
How many chances have you already gave him? TOO MANY I am sure. You have gave him chance after chance for him to get better and he keeps on failing. He might not have been physical with you, but that does not mean that you haven't been hurt. He verbally and emotionally abused you. Physical scars heal much much quicker than emotional scars. The bruises are deep down and you can't see them, but you can feel them. I wasn't physically abused either, but that doesn't mean I wasn't abused. I was hurt and confused and felt guilty. I am still healing from what that jerk did to me. The thing that still hurts is that he thinks he did NOTHING WRONG!! It makes me so mad still.
If you stay in that relationship with this man, there is no doubt in my mind.. it will get worse and worse. He will eventually be physically abusive with you. He will then apologize to you after, just like how he was when he verbally abused you.
"He tells me that he didn't realize the severity of his behavior until he was faced with losing me. " ***This is a crock of Sh*t in my opinion. I am sorry to be harsh, but that is what I feel. I feel that he is only telling you this now to get you back and for you to be under his power and control again. Abusers are all about power and control. That is all they want. He sees that he is losing you and he will grab at anything to get you back. He will tell you numerous lies to try and get you back. He will make empty promises to you to win you back. Please don't believe him. You are strong and you can do this.
Here is another website that you can check out:
www.youarenotcrazy.com
Lauren
He won't leave me alone.
He is desperately trying to tell me that he is changing, etc. He now has emailed five of my close friends, pleading his case. Two I have not yet confided in due to a fear in them gossipping or just not feeling ready to tell everyone. I am humiliated.
I so want to think he is going to change but I don't see how that can happen.
How long after you left did it take before you REALLY made the decision and decided it was for good?
If you really don't want to take him back and if he really won't leave you alone you are going to have to consider the following:
-Change you phone number, e-mail
-Consider moving again if he knows where you are currently staying
-Get a Restraining Order
He is grabbing at anything because he knows that he is losing control over you. He will e-mail you friends and family and try and convince them to talk to you to go back to him. That happened to me. My abuser got his mom to come and talk to me... and she pretty much begged me to go back to him. He will do anything and everything to make you stay.
You know what, if you do want to hang on and wait for him to change (which I really don't suggest) it will take years! He will need to go to intensive counselling and therapy, he has to realize he has problems and lastley he will have to 'want' to change. Usually with abusers, it is just too much work, so they don't go thru with it.
When I moved into my new place after leaving him, that is when I knew it was never going to work. Yes, for a little while after I did talk to him and I still had a few things to move, so I seen him a few times. I just really wish now that I stoped cold turkey, but I didn't. In the beginning we talked about just needing our space and I would move out and we would still stay together. But we got into some big fights and that is when I realized he was abusive and it would never work out.
Lauren
Lauren--thank you for all of your support. You're helping me through this difficult time more than you know. Your words give me strength when I feel like I can't go through with all of this.
I'm just waiting for all of this to be over. I'm a girl who has never been able to break up with a boy becuaes they get teary-eyed. NOW I'm trying to break off my marriage and it is killing me!