I think I am being emotionally abused *M

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2006
I think I am being emotionally abused *M
7
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 2:41am

I read a few posts on the board and I really feel for all of the women here dealing with abuse. I know many of you may be suffering physical and sexual abuse as well as mental abuse. I guess in some ways I am lucky, my husband of almost a decade has never hit me or forced me to do anything with him that I was unwilling to do. On the other hand I have spent all day crying and have started having vivid fantasies of divorcing him for the sole reason that I wouldn't have to live under what he wants to be his dictator like rule.

We have 3 children together - our boys are 7 and 3, our daughter is 4. We are also share custody of his 11 year old son with his ex-girlfriend. We've been married for almost 9 years and sometimes that seems like an eternity. Our first child was born 18 months after we married and I have been a SAHM since then. We have been through very stressful periods in our life (major moves, his job changes due to lay-offs, a horrendous custody battle for my stepson) and two years ago lost almost everything financially. At that point I did go back to work part time. I was working 3 days a week until 5:30, coming home to cook/clean/care for our 4 kids, carrying them to this lesson or that ballgame and getting homework done and baths taken, etc... He was working in a factory and spending every spare moment of offtime playing ball or running around with his friends. Last spring I ended up in the hospital with what was basically a nervous breakdown. My mom stepped in and helped me care for the kids and the house while I got back on my feet, I quit my job because after paying for 2 in daycare the money left didn't justify the stress I was living with. My doctor prescribed me some anti-depressants and I slowly started to feel better. My husband was laid off and went back to work for a company he had worked for several years ago doing field work which means he is gone for weeks on end. With him only home the occasional weekend I cannot see being able to handle re-entering the workplace right now, not without ending up readmitted to the hospital anyway. And that seems to be the root of the abuse. He is absolutely paranoid about his paycheck. I can't remember the last time I bought anything for myself besides necessities like toothpaste or soap and I haven't had new clothes that I bought in who knows when though my mom takes me shopping at christmas and on my birthday. He checks the online bank statement multiple times during the day and calls home to question every debit and WHY did I need to buy that? Things like the groceries - why were they so expensive? Um, because we are feeding four kids. Or a check to a clothing store - why did I buy clothes ALL THE TIME? Well, if buying each kid 8-10 outfits and two pairs of shoes each season is ALL THE TIME then I guess I do have problem (said with sarcasm) Our kids do without 1/2 as many clothes as many of their peers and I never buy toys except on gift giving occasions. They never complain but I refuse to make them make do on little to nothing if it isn't a financial necessity which it isn't. I pay bills FIRST, I buy food and gas SECOND then I might pick them up each a shirt or pants or whatever if they need them and we have enough money. I have tried calling to verify EACH purchase with him before checking out (mostly because I hoped he'd see how ridiculous trying to track each penny was and to show him that I have nothing to hide about the money I spend) but somehow he still managed to find things to question and yell about. He accuses me of "taking" money from the account and hiding it from him. He is also paranoid about me having a boyfriend or cheating on him. I understand that he is gone and he might think that I would get lonely and look for someone but people I have four children to care for, frankly I don't have the time, energy or desire to try to conduct a second relationship. I could laugh it off but he acts like my wearing my hair a new way or dressing up (as in not sweats and a tshirt) is tantamount to finding me and the pool boy naked in our bed. He makes fun of me to his friends. I'm the "whore" who "couldn't keep her legs shut so she has all those kids". I'm "not cool" and "have no life" because I stay home to care for our children instead of running around, hanging out in clubs and drinking like he does. I'm "lazy" because I stay at home. Oh, and his personal favorite for a period of time right after my breakdown was to tell his brother that I was "on those crazy pills". If I get upset and cry when he is ranting about money or my "nagging" him to help me out around the house then he says I need to up my "medication" and if I stand up for myself he tells me that I am yelling at him. He likes to "joke" that I'll never leave him because "what man would take a woman with 3 kids?" Of course it's always jokes and I just don't have a sense of humor. It is things like that all the time. In my fantasies I imagine him having to take the kids for visitation and *I* finally get to go out to a movie or lunch with a friend without having to BEG my mom or inlaws to watch my kids or I (gasp) buy myself some make up and don't get a phone call that evening asking what the HELL was the $10 spent at Target for???! Of course I do know that that is a fantasy that won't likely come true. I know that being a single mom probably wouldn't be the warm fuzzy that I like to imagine but I HATE being treated like one of the kids. I HATE being talked down to just because I don't clock in anywhere monday through friday. I HATE being the butt of him and his friends jokes just because I try to be a good mom and raise my kids. I HATE being pawed and manhandled only to have him point out afterward all the reasons the sex was inadequate (and that's always my fault of course.) Does anyone else here feel that way? Some days I really don't think we have much longer together. I know that he has always had a low self esteem and that he suffers from depression. I know that he has an addictive personality and a tremendous amount of self loathing BUT that is all wearing thin after years and years of the same old sh*t. A few days ago he went out and left me at home with a sick headache and all four kids. After I got them to bed I got online and estimated child support with an online calculator. Then I added that to what I was making at my previous job and started deducting the monthly expenses and general expenses I knew we'd have. I wanted to see just how possible it would be for me to make it on my own with three kids. When I went to bed I folded it up and stuck it in the cabinet above the fridge. I don't know why I didn't throw it out but we don't use that cabinet and I guess I didn't think he'd find it. Well, this morning he did. He came storming in the bedroom and had ripped it into strips and balled it up. He was yelling at me and throwing the paper at me. Then he slammed the door on his way out. I went downstairs and tried (I have no idea why) to explain that I feel pushed in a corner by the way he treats me and I thought it might help me to know that I didn't have to put up with the way he's been treating me. That in some odd ways it helps me deal with it because I know it isn't inescapable. He was livid about one thing - THE CHILD SUPPORT. Not that I had contemplated leaving but that I had checked out how much MONEY he'd have to part with. Believe me if I knew I could make enough money to raise our kids without it I'd have never even estimated it. He thinks I am planning to EXTORT money from him by using the children. Even though he saw where I had subtracted things for THEM like paying for food, electricity, clothing. I feel like second class citizen in my own life. I really want to feel better about myself. I was so upset and crying and our 7 year old went into our bedroom and just hugged me when I went in to get dressed so I could leave and collect myself. I felt so bad for him and his brothers and sister. I know it has to be just as hard on them when their dad is screaming and I'm crying. I'm at a loss for what to do. He wouldn't do counseling anyway, I've asked and it's always MY problem not OURS. Honestly the main reason I think about leaving is because it seems like the ONLY solution anymore. Is there anything else? Has anyone else been where I am and managed to work things out?

Leanne

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2005
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 10:49am

"He makes fun of me to his friends. I'm the "whore" who "couldn't keep her legs shut so she has all those kids". I'm "not cool" and "have no life" because I stay home to care for our children instead of running around, hanging out in clubs and drinking like he does. I'm "lazy" because I stay at home. Oh, and his personal favorite for a period of time right after my breakdown was to tell his brother that I was "on those crazy pills". If I get upset and cry when he is ranting about money or my "nagging" him to help me out around the house then he says I need to up my "medication" and if I stand up for myself he tells me that I am yelling at him. He likes to "joke" that I'll never leave him because "what man would take a woman with 3 kids?"

Honey, you are MOST DEFINITELY being verbally and emotionally abused. I URGE you to contact the Domestic Violence Hotline ASAP 1-800-799-SAFE and talk to a counselor. Go to a payphone if you have to or dial a random number when you hang up so he cannot call it and find out.

Love and respect is what belongs in a relationship and respectful men do NOT call the mother of their children a "whore" to their face or behind their back. They do NOT divulge their partners private lives and sweetheart, a LOT of people take anti-depressents HE IS THE CRAZY ONE.

You have to look at yourself in the mirror and do some soul-searching. Do you want to live this way forever? Do you want your children to grow up in this kind of home? Do you want your world full of people who watch your so-called partner hurt and demean you. My concern is that this will lead to physical abuse. He's trying to break you down, do not let him win.

This happens to so many people. I have been here and I am here to tell you, IT DOES NOT CHANGE.

I wish you love that doesn't hurt and respect for your self and from the person you so generously share your life with. No matter HOW scary this might be...you owe it to yourself to walk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 10:57am

I can't even begin to tell you how similar out situations are! From the nervous breakdown to the SAHM, to calculating money if I were to do it on my own. As if taking care of our kids wasn't enough. I really feel for you! I spent Saturday crying, after reading online about a financial situation similar to ours. I look online to remind myself exactly what my relationship is, abusive. I've been on anti-depressants, and also had it thrown in my face. How awful, for someone to make a joke of us taking care of our medical needs! Also, my abuse came in the form of "sarcasm", so why was I taking it so seriously? As far as counseling, even if he would go, it's a bad idea to go to couples with an abuser. I noticed the other response to your post had the hotline #, and I strongly recommend calling it. I had a much different experience, and helpful one with a DA counselor. My own is helpful, but it's not strictly what she deals with.

I also imagine a life without H, thinking I wouldn't have to explain all my decisions, I'd make my own choices, he'd take the kids for visitation and I could go shopping alone! So I know how you feel, everyone here does. I really think you should call the hotline, there are plenty of resources available.

Best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 1:23pm

Welcome to the board Leanne :o)

I am glad you came here, but not happy that you are hear because of your abusive situation. You really have came to the right place. Post as much as you need to okay.

In some ways you are lucky your husband hasn't hit you... but the thing about emotional/verbal abuse is that the bruises are deep down and are hidden. It takes a long time for those bruises to heal. Takes a lot longer than physical bruises on the outside. If you continue to stay in this relationship, there is no doubt in my mind that it will turn physical eventually. If he threatens to hurt you, or shoves you or even pushed you.. those are all warning signs.

"but somehow he still managed to find things to question and yell about." Abusers will always find something to yell about. Nothing is ever good enough for abusers... nothing!

Your husband sounds like my abuser. Very jealous and very suspicious about nothing really. They make a mountain out of a molehill. They really do. I just wanted to laugh it off, but that would usually make it worse. Somebody that loves you doesn't not call you a whore or say: *I'm the "whore" who "couldn't keep her legs shut so she has all those kids"* - It is just mean and very disrespectful!! Yes, he says he loves you, which he probably does to some extent.. but abusers and love are a little backwards. It is wrong to say those things to the women they love. It is wrong.

A lot of what you said in your post is all coming back to me. I was a nag too... and when I stood up for myself I yelled too... when he was yelling, I would say for him to calm down and stopped yelling and he always said he wasn't yelling! wrong. Abusers are so backwards it makes me sick. It is always okay for them to do what they want, but not okay for us to do the same thing.

I think you would have that warm fuzzy feeling of having 3 kids if you were in a healthy relationship. He is damaging you and the children. He is destroying your self esteem.

Don't do counselling with him okay. That is the worst possible thing in an abusive relationship... don't do marriage counselling. You aren't the problem here... it is HIM and only HIM. He s abusive and he is the problem. Abusers never take responsibility, they are so quick to blame everyone else. They never take the blame EVER!!!!!

You really need to think about your childrens well-being. It is about you are your children. It is very unhealthy for your children to be in the middle of an abusive situation. They hear the yelling and they feel the tension in the air when it's not right. We don't think they know whats going on, but they do.

Would you be able to leave and go stay with family or friends. My only suggestion for you is to leave him. There is many red flags in your post. I feel that it will only get worse with time and not better.

Lauren

One more thing - erase all the history and cookies from your computer. You don't want your husband to find out you were visiting this site.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 12:24am
You sound a lot like me. My husband does the same kind of thing. There is such a thing as financial abuse, and verbal and emotional abuse is definately going on there. I completely understand, my husband has so totally withdrawn any type of contribution to our relationship and our household, emotionally, financially, in every way, that I'm at the point where anything is better. If you're not working, and you are depressed, you should certainly contact a domestic violence hotline or shelter, I'm sure they can offer some assistance. Your mom sounds like maybe she could and would help you too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 3:51pm
I'm in the same situation you are. We have been together 13 yrs and have 4 kids.Just a few months ago I realized I was in an abusive relationship. Same things going on like he gets very mad if I buy a new pair of shoes or makeup. He's even taken my shoes, makeup,keys,phones,and computer modem and locked them in the garage(several diff times) while he goes to work. He blames me for everything that goes wrong here.Calls me names,tells me i'm crazy, a bad mom and housewife, etc. About a month ago I started counseling(he refused to go)found out we are in an "unhealthy relationship". I told him what Dr. said and he promised to change, didn't want to treat me badly etc. Well the "niceness" lasted a couple of wks. Now we're back to where we started. I know from reading other posts and visiting diff websites on abuse that he wont change and I need to get the strength and courage to stand up to him and leave. It's not going to get better. Hope this helps:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 4:43pm

Hi Merimac... welcome :o)

In a way I am happy to hear that you realize that you are in an absive relationship. I say this, because a lot of people (like I did) deny the abuse for a long time. It eventually catches up though. I am also happy that you realize that he won't change.

"He blames me for everything that goes wrong here.Calls me names,tells me i'm crazy, a bad mom and housewife, etc." You are not at fault for this okay. He is the problem. He is blaming you to get the attention away from him. All abusers blame everyone or anything else.

Good job for going to counselling by yourself. Going by yourself is key. If you did go with him, it would have only brought you backwards. Keep going as much as you need to. You can also call a local women shelter. They usually offer counselling no charge.

Anyways, post as much as you need to okay. We are all here for you.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 11:00am

I'm really glad you're in counseling w/o him. It really helped me to realize my situation too. I hope you keep posting, this board has been really helpful for me, and I hope it will be for you. What does H say about you going to counseling?

Carrie