The nerve of him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
The nerve of him!
6
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 2:27pm

Last night H informed me I should make a list of gift ideas for the 3 oldest girls, cause the money will be closely monitored! He was doing the shopping. I told him NO! I told him I would take my child support and shop for the kids, than he'd just have to buy food, or not. Told him that Christmas is the only time of year I have the pleasure of getting gifts for my kids and that he would not take it from me. Than he says he meant it only to plan on how much he'd need to set aside from this weeks check (took him about 5 minutes to come up w/ what he "really" meant). He's going to the lawyer again, next Tuesday. Well, he cancelled his last appt, so I don't really know what to believe.

I can only afford to call IRS and get a transcript of our last 2 returns, unless I can come up with $80 for copies. Calculated support based on $10-15,000. less than what he grosses, and I don't think it would be terribly uncomfortable. If I can get the vehicle payed off, we'd be fine.

I shouldn't be surprised by any of this that he says after the kids go to bed, actually I expect it. I'm just sick of it. That emotional attachment is missing, and I see him trying to regain control. Oh and last night, after his attempt didn't work he was referring to the money as ours! Does he really believe that correcting himself is going to make a difference after all these years of calling everything his?

Thanks for listening! I know I can go on and on!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 4:11pm

I'm glad you stood up for yourself about the Christmas presents. I wonder when he will go to his next appointment. If he is anything like my abuser, it will never happen! I hope he's not, because I am sure you want to get this all over with.

He is grabbing at anything here... calling the money 'ours' instead of his. He thinks it will be good enough.. but you will prove him wrong. It is TOO late!

Go on and on as much as you wish. It really does help to vent it all out. I know that I could still vent and vent about my abuser.. but I won't do that!

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 1:44pm

Thank you! I was just so frustrated about Christmas! Last year I had a date to go shopping with family, I don't think he'd have let me go if he wasn't worried about what they think of him. I knew it would be coming up this year too. I still remember having to account for every penny I spent. I feel like there's nothing left for him to take, but he seems to find whatever is. Calling the money "our", funny huh? Since every financial record is locked up in his safe or desk.

Your opinion please? He said he wrote me a letter, but I'd have to read it on the computer. He has administrative rights, a seperate password for his desktop. I can't see it without him letting me. I'm really not tempted to, not interested in his excuses. Also, the last time he wrote, he put in false accusations of me. The only part of me that's intrigued, is that he made a comment that he wasn't letting me have it because his lawyer wouldn't reccomend it. Should I even bother? Even if there's any useful info in it, I have no proof. I guess I wonder. If he says BS I can see him more clearly for who he is. Even if it were an apology, I couldn't believe him, it wouldn't change things. I guess the answer is "NO". Thanks for listening anyhow.

Tues is his appt, but it would take, I think up to 10 days before I'd be served. I'll let you now. Thanks so much! This really does help, my family doesn't get it. They think because he put a roof over our heads he's wonderful. My aunt thinks if I went to work it'd be better. When I did work, he called to bitch about the kids, tell me how he couldn't get anything done. When he wanted me to work and I filled out applications at restaurants, he told me he didn't marry a bar maid. She just doesn't understand. Oh well, thanks again! I wouldn't mind hearing about your abuser, unless you'd rather not get into that.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 3:23pm

Well does he want you to see the letter he wrote you? So he saved it on the computer but you can't see it without his permission? He is treating you like a child. I don't think it is necessary to read the letter. The letter will have lies and apologies in it, and I don't know if you want to read that? I guess if you want to read the letter and see what lies he put in it. You won't want that letter floating around with lies in it right? The appointment is on Tuesday... hmm.. it is up to you if you want to read what he wrote. I just sure wouldn't want lies to be going around, because abusers do get away with lies sometimes. It is your decision if you want to read the letter or not. Sorry for all my mumo jumbo.

Family & Friends that haven't been in abusive realtionships will never know what it is like to be with one. That is the great thing about this board. We understand what you are/were going through and we don't think you are crazy!

I don't mind at all sharing about my abuser. I sometimes feel like I talk about my past abusive relationship too much.. Maybe I do that because it helped me hearing other stories. We were together for about a year and a half. We moved in together after 8 months of dating. I needed a roomate and it was just easier to live together. We lived together for about 7 months before I left. There was so many warning signs in that relationship, but I didn't know anything about abuse, so I didn't have any idea what to look for. Now that I look back, I can see red flags from the very beginnging. He was VERY jealous. It sucked! He got jealous because he seen a picture of me dancing with an old high school friend at my best friends wedding. He totally flipped out! He was jealous of past guys I was with and he never forgot about that. It had nothing to do with him, it was before he even came along. One of our last fights was him bringing up this guy from 2 years before!!! He never forgot anything! This might be TMI but he was jealous of my vibrator. I still find that so shocking that he would be jealous of that.. give me a break. He turned everything around and it was always about him. I had to get my wisdom teeth out and he WOULDN'T let my mom come and visit after the surgery. He turned it all around on him saying that he needs his privacy in our basement suite and he didn't feel comfortable. He didn't think about me once!!! It was all about him. He wanted me to go stay in a hotel with my mom after surgery. He is/was a selfish selfish man!!!!!!! OK, well that's enough for now... ask me whatever you like.. I have many stories up my sleeve.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 7:06pm

Alright, you pointed out the obvious about the letter! Thankyou, sometimes I need someone to be a little more in my face about it. I knew that but got a little weak I think, cause when he told me I responded by telling him, if he couldn't hand it to me I didn't want it. You're right, my instinct to let it go was right.

About your abuser, it's so strange to hear, but helpful for me. My ex was jealous of my past relationships, my going out every little damn thing. When I met my current H, I thought he was great, much different than the ex. He wasn't outwardly jealous, actually supportive of my best friend being a guy at the time. It was much more suddle. No, it wasn't. After 1 year and 3 months he asked me to move in. I had 4 kids already, thought I was being careful, didn't let them meet him, until they woke up one night while he was there. He would just come over and watch a movie with me. Gradually after that. They loved him! Honestly, kids love him. He has a great heart for kids, I'll give him that. But we were sitting at the table eating one night, after I had moved into his place, waiting to close on the house we're in now. He just got up, grabbed me by the hair and had me up against the wall. I remember his room mate coming in, and I screamed at him, "I did not leave this sh*t once before to be here again!" Than we were in this house, I had moved my kids, changed school districts, and I was stuck. I was in shock. Mostly after that was verbal, or ignoring me for a couple of weeks. Maybe the ignoring breaks my heart so much now cause we have 2 children together. I see him buy them crap they don't even deserve or need, while I struggle to feed, clothe and keep everyone in sports and equipment. All the times he would ignore me, I felt too crappy about myself to ask him for things for my kids. After all the times he told me to go, I worried if I made him too mad, I wouldn't have a place to live with my kids. I worried that everyone of his threats were true. We went with little food, while he had cigarettes. He wanted kids, I gave him 2 in 4 years, stayed home and raised them along with my older 4, did day-care, and was home at night alone with them too while he went to school. You're sooo right about nothing being good enough for them. I would have dinner ready when he got home (a seperate dinner, cause he won't eat from a box), and he'd have a comment about the house, kids, me or the food. I ran myself ragged! I'm so glad it didn't last so long for you! I think I kidded myself that the kids didn't know, cause I wasn't getting hit in front of them this time. But, they're beginning to treat me the same.

Want to hear something funny? I almost used the intials A H for abusive husband until I realized what else it stood for. Just trying to lighten the mood I've darkened.

I'm really sorry for what you went through. Thankyou for sharing, it does help us all. It's a reminder that there is something better for us! I'm sorry too about after your surgery. I had a cervical procedure and I remember physically abusive ex left me with 3 kids when I couldn't walk. You're right, physically, emotionally, whatever type of abuse, it is about them. It's all about him.

On a positive note, I'm not all about him. I'm about me and the kids. I have my days, where I lack some motivation, am frustrated whatever... But I'm not worried about pleasing him, or trying. 3 months ago I was. Thanks again for all of your help! Thanks for taking the time for everyone here! Feel free to share more!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 5:22pm

It's kind of creepy once you start comparing stories of abusers eh? They are so similar in so many ways. 1 thing I thought was very interesting, there is I think 10 types of abusers. I used to think there was 1 kind with just different levels. I don't know if you have the book "Why does he do that" but the list of abusers is in there... very good book.. as I probably have told you and everyone else a million times!!

"physically, emotionally, whatever type of abuse, it is about them. It's all about him." and it always will be all about them. No matter who they are with, it will only be about them. They will always turn stories around on us and make us feel guilty.

"On a positive note, I'm not all about him. I'm about me and the kids. I have my days, where I lack some motivation, am frustrated whatever... But I'm not worried about pleasing him, or trying." **I'm very happy about this statement. You're on the right track. Oh and everyone lacks motivation sometimes... nobody can go like an energizer bunny.

You welcome for doing what I'm doing.. I like to think that my posts help everyone that is posting and lurking. I like to post so much because I thought it was so helpful to hear other people stories and experiences. It's just not the same to hear without stories you know?.. Lets see if there is any other stories up my sleeve... One time I was watching a movie with my abuser. I didn't understand a part so he explained it. I still didn't understand, so I just said I'll catch on again and kept watching the movie. Well boy, he threw the flicker across the room and broke it. He stormed in the room. I was like what the hell just happened! Well... he came out and blamed ME for him throwing the flicker. I was like huh.. how is it my fault? You're the one that threw it.. I didn't throw it? See how they twist stories around so much? Really makes me wonder.. and they do it so well too... makes me sick.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 10:17am

It was really hard for me to get to what was wrong with us too. Cause even though I had the physical abuse in the beginning, that all stopped. When I was in the ED with my BP through the roof, it was a psych room, cause I asked to talk with someone. They ask if you're a victim of domestic violence, not abuse, I said "no". I told him in the room when he came in, and he said "well, did you tell them the truth?" A couple nights later, he was saying something sarcastic to me, so later on I mentioned that the camera was on, and did he think they heard him say that? He shut up. Got off track there, but still it took me weeks to realize how much stress this relationship has caused me. I might not have gotten to that point if he hadn't blew up. 2 days before I went in, I was having a freaking anxiety attack, kids were in bed, I went to my van to listen to cd's, I wouldn't come in when he told me to, he unhooked the battery. You know how some people have stated that they wish they would just get hit, so they could call the cops, or recognize this as abuse? I don't want that for anyone, but I kind of understand. Cause after I went to counseling, he started to get a little worse, I was withdrawing from him. Soon after I started counseling he had a fit and punched a dresser, wall, and it finally sunk in for real. Like your abuser said it was your fault about the remote, he blamed me for what he'd done. After that I could look back at all the head games he had played and all the things he blamed on me.

My lack of motivation I think is because this situation is depressing. Living in a house that doesn't feel like home. I have little desire to care for it, it's his. You're right, they're so good at destroying people, it's sick! I cannot imagine having to manipulate and control the people in my life. About the book, I've been looking for it, want to buy it cause there's a few people I know that would find it helpful too.

Thanks again, I enjoy hearing from you!
Carrie