Mr.Nice
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| Tue, 11-28-2006 - 4:31pm |
Hi, ladies
I'm new to this been reading and I can't believe some of the post is (me)My husband went to jail last year for 6 months violating the restraining order,after that they gave him 2yrs and 6months probation. My big mistake was letting him in when he got out. He never even apologized to me for anything that he did to me,guess he never will he says it was not like I said it was the violence the mental abuse. within the last few days we have had really ugly arguments, his things are no longer here in my home,he was recording all the arguments, he's come to my house banging on the door,scaring the girls, they run into my room, leaving really nasty messages, trying to scare me and believe me it's working, but I still can't believe how dumb I have been,I haven't called the police on him. I have 3 girls, 5,7,15 my oldest is from a privious relationship. I called his probation officer today, to see if she can talk to him not send him to jail, she tells me that i am the one who can get into alot of trouble because I've threaten to call her (P.O)over cell phone bills and him not giving me any money, that I am trying to control him, she says that he doing everything the judge asked him to do and she's would not recommend him going back to jail that she thinks we should get couseling,that he's actually a nice guy!! All I want is my child support and him leave me alone! Forget the cell phone bill I'll pay it. My mother says I'm stupid it's all my fault because if I just call the police he would stop, it's not easy to call the police. I guess I am stupid in that sense. he is so good and convincing people that I am crazy that I am the bad one and he's such a great guy! He's even told his friends and family and the probation officer that i take meds for depression that I'm crazy. I have stopped taking my meds, i feel fine. I am so sorry for just rambling on and on. I really needed to get this out.
I am glad i found this board.
Lisa

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Welcome to the board Lisa :o)
First of all this is not your fault for what has happened. He is the one at fault. He is the problem here, not you. Yes he will tell others that you are the problem, but that is what all abusers do. They ALWAYS blame others, they never ever take the blame.
Your abuser never apologized to you, because he doesn't think he did anything wrong. Isn't that sick? I doubt he will ever apologize, because he thinks what he did was fine. But it wasn't.
Okay. I am a little confused and I just want to get the story straight. He went to jail because he violated the restraining order. Who had the restraining order against him? YOU? I am guessing he is over at your place sometimes, but doesn't live there?
Save all the messages okay. Keep a paper trail and keep those messages. If you ever need to prove anything to the police, those messages will come in handy. It seems weird that he is the one recording the arguments... and that you know about it.
I really doubt you are trying to control him... and I highly recommend to NOT go to counselling with him. Yes, he can be a nice guy when he is in the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle, but you see the monster that comes out.
Keep posting as much as you need to okay. We are all here for you.
Lauren
Thankyou.
Yes i had the restaining order against him, he doesn't live here(thankgod) and I don't want him here again. I have gone to legal aid for advice on divorce, but have not heard from them yet. My daughters b-day is sunday what do I do, he knows I have no money, it's like he's waiting for me to call and ask him for money, but I think I'llskip the call and bake a cake, call my neighbor over with her kids. What do I do if he comes to the door, his condition of probation he is to stay away from me.
We have been married 11 yrs. he is not a legal citizen deep deep down inside I believe he married me to obtain residence, he's a contractor works under the table, no social security card, nothing! I should have thougt of that back then, now what? I am getting welfare, but i'm looking for work. I am going to he honest and tell you I am scared to start the process of probate court, visitations. My DSS worker says if i want he can visit the girls there at her office, if this is really about seeing his girls then he won't care where he see's them, right? He driving with no license, his sister registered his truck for him, I am so scared of everything right now.
Thankyou for being here.
Lisa
Okay, now that I know that you had the RO against him.. here are some of my thoughts:
- There is a reason why you got the RO in the first place. If he isn't supposed to be around, you NEED to call the police. Is is violating his restraining order. Don't feel bad about calling the police. He has rules and he isn't following them.
- Don't call him for money for your daughters birthday. Invite your neighbours over for cake. If he comes, call the police if he is violating his RO. He knows the rules and he knows the conciquenses. (sp?) I wouldn't be suprised if he is coming around still b/c he knows you won't call the police. Abusers really know how to push our buttons. He doesn't think you have the strength and courage to call the police, but you do.
Yes, if he wants to visit the girls, it shouldn't matter where. He isn't allowed to be around you, so he shouldn't be going to your house. Let the girls go visit him at her office.
I understand that you will probably be scared to call the police if he comes around.. but that is the right thing to do. You need to worry about your safety and your daughters safety. He is the one that got in all this trouble. You did nothing wrong. You need to understand that. You did nothing wrong. He is the problem and he got in this mess himself.
Lauren
Thankyou Lauren,
he hasn't called and there have been no hang-ups or wrong numbers since yesterday. He likes to play games on the phone, but is it weird for me to feel uneasy, shouldn't I be relieved that he's not calling.
It's an eerie feeling, my windows and doors are locked, my girls are in bed already, but I am really feeling nervous just wondering what his next move will be?
I'm sorry this is silly.
Thankyou all for being here,
Lisa
I want to say that you are not stupid and I am sorry your mom said that to you. She may not really understand what you are going though and is most likely upset and wants you to protect yourself. Also,I am a very angry at what the probation officer told you. It sounded like she is blaming you for the abuse and for him violating the RO. He is not doing what he is told if he is still violating the order. You know what really happen between you and your husband and I sure "Nice Guy" are not the words you would use to describe him. Sorry, I am really angry about this. The probation officer is not really the right person to talk to about child support and such but because you did not mention you were going though a divorce, I am not sure exactly who you should talk to about those things.
Again, I want you to know you are not alone. Feel free to post anytime. We will be here to listen.
I'm really glad you're here. Sorry for what your mother said, she really has no idea how much this comes to hurt. I don't think people who haven't been through it can. My best friend of 16 years thinks H is just tight with the money. But they don't live our lives, we have to feel this every day. You're definitely not dumb! Things look different in retrospect, I know. I see signs I wish I'd have picked up on. I'm willing to bet he charmed you just as he has his probation officer. Abusers can be so charming when it's in their best interest to be. If you want counseling, go for yourself. He would pull the same old act with a counselor. If you need/ed meds for medical treatment, it was because you were taking care of yourself as you should've. I hope you didn't stop all at once. Another thing, I've had a much easier time talking about the situation with a domestic abuse counselor, than my other one. Have you had any help from anyone that specializes in that? Don't worry about rambling on, ever. I hope you and your DD's birthday is nice and that you don't have any problems with the ex. I know what it's like to not have money and to have to ask, or see your kids go without. I would guess that the cake and company would be less stressful than the alternative of dealing with him, for everyone.
Hope to keep hearing from you! Take care,
Carrie
Hi,
thankyou for your support and the boards. I am really confused on what to do. I just left a message for a lawyer from legal aid, waiting for her to call back. I need to find out about child support I think I mentioned to the board that he is undocumented, but works as a contrator he has giving me money here and there at his convinence then I have to sleep with him, oh my god!!! How nasty I feel afterwards!
Me taking him to court for child support, what will happen, him not having papers??? I told his P/O that I didn't want him to go to jail, just stay away. She asked me if I had a man living with me, I asked why, because he says I am living with someone, i told I am not and he knows that!!! He's lying,then she tells me that she can give some numbers for us to go to counseling!!! I am scared to go to court because he has all of these people thinking it's me, that I'm the one looking for trouble. My restraining order end last year but his release papers from jail "no contact with victim directly or indirectly per order of restraining order, this is why I am also calling the lawyer, can i have a civil restraining order???
I'm scared! I feel so alone.
Lisa
Lisa
I know how lonely you feel, and scared. My previous relationship was physically abusive. You've had to be so strong to get the restraining order! I had one before, and plenty of times I didn't call the cops, because I was afraid of what he'd do if I did.
I wish I could answer your questions about support, we live in different states. Check out www.womanslaw.com, I think. If I'm wrong, someone here will correct me. You can look info up by state. Unless you have a local child support office, they would know. I go through a government agency to get my support. He's the father, I can't imangine he'd get out of helping support his kids.
I would recommend no further discussions with his P/O, she has made her opinion clear, he's charmed her. She has no helpful info for you. As hard as it is, I really think the only way to do this is having no contact. But, I know what it's like to be scared, and broke, I know how hard it can be. First things first, keep making your calls. Once you can get support you'll need him a little less, it'll feel great! I think there is a minimum amount if you can't prove what he earns, but legal aid will let you know. Try to forget what he's telling other people. You know what's in your heart. What they think really doesn't matter.
Hope you hear from legal aid soon! Remember you're definitely not alone. Let us know what you find out.
Carrie
Thanks Carrie,
Well still by the phone waiting for legal services to call, but I am excited about a call I got from a temp agency I have an interview on monday at 10. have to find my resume, but I am so excited I sooo want to get off welfare, even though it has helped soo very much.
I am going to take your advice, forget about what people think.
I am hoping to start the New Year with a job, NOOOO. I am going to start the New Year with a job.
I'll let you guys know what legal says to me, thankgod for ivillage...I am soooo happy i found you!
Lisa
Yes, you should be able to get a civil restraining order. I would think the fact that he had an order not to contact you before and that he violated and that he keeps visiting you now and if you can state you are afraid of him then you should be able to get another order without problem(again depending on the court).
Still angry with PO. Why didn't they require him to go to DV courses as part of his sentence or probation? Not saying it will do any good. You may want some individual counseling with someone who specializes in Domestic Violence, not because you did anything wrong but for some support. If the PO is recomending couple counseling, she is wrong. One of the most difficult things is to find good people in law enforcement and court to understand what you have been through and support you. I know you are discouraged by that and probably do not want to make things worse so I wouldn't deal with the PO. From my stand point now, I would report the PO to a supervisor or something. That is something I would consider maybe after you are able to get more legal info.
Information is power!
Take care for now.
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