need confirmation this is abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
need confirmation this is abuse
8
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 7:00pm

A little history:
My boyfriend and I dated for 4 years and then broke up since we were always fighting over trivial things,most of the arguments were started by him. I stayed in the relationship although he constantly called me names, discounted my feelings, and accused me of "dissapearing" when I would go out for a few hrs with friends or family. He grew up in a verbally, emoitionally, & psychially abusive home so I tried my best to help him work through his issues but found myself losing all of my self confidence and allowing him to control my life. After feeling so low for so long, I left. He attempted to contact me about once every 3-4 months for the past 3 yrs but I refused to speak with him. He would call or send me letters that were like Jekyll & Hyde. One month he would say that he still thinks about me & will always love me & the next month or two he's tell me what a slut I am and how I probablt can't respond since I'm too busy being a whore.

Present:
After drinking out with friends he called me a few months ago & I actually picked up. I just came out of a relationship & was pretty intoxicated so I wound up speaking with him. I asked about the changing content in his past letters & his excuse, "you wouldn't talk with me when I was nice so I tried to push your buttons so you'd at the very least respond & tell me what a jerk I am ... this way I know you're still alive & i could just speak with you". He apologized for the way he treated me in the past and we left it at that. I bump into him a few weeks later (a place I never go to & he never went to) so it was pure chance. He had a new girlfriend that lived with him so I agreed to talk over coffee when he asked. Well he didn't seem to be the same guy I once knew after hrs of conversation and one thing led to another....which I felt horrible about afterwards....and we went our seperate ways until he called me two days later wanting to be "secret lovers". I told him that is not something I would do and what he & i did before was a mistake. Well he & his live in girlfriend (that he knew for 5 months broke up (for reasons I'm not aware of) and now he's constantly calling me even more than when they were together. (I also found a letter to her where he puts her down & calls her names.. childish came up quite a few times) I digress

The problem: I agreed to see him but refused to label our current "relationship". I did miss the sexual contact since he & I never had a problem in that area and fulfilled eachother wonderfully. I do not want to be involved with anyone since I'm too busy PLUS don't want a commitment from him unless he's proven he's really changed as he said he did. He agreed. The past four months were great but the past 4 weeks, the same old guy reared his ugly head. He tells me I act like a child when he doesn't get his way, accusses me of abandoning him when I don't want to see him for a night, and the name calling has resumed (which he tells me is a joke & to relax). He now tells me he's dating another woman so when he & I got together for teh movies, I wanted to leave his home afterwards so he got upset and tells me I always run. He just wanted me to stay for sex and so I told him to call the girl he's dating. He tells me that he's not dating her anymore but I left anyway. I get a text telling me he could never be with me, i'm acting childish, and like white trash. But the kicker, I know that in a few days I'll get a call from him asking me to go out and spend time with him like nothing ever happened.

Another example I'm a psychology major and he tells me that only schmucks go for that type of degree (he's an engineer). I tell him I like one comedy show on MTV and his response, "only idiots watch mtv". I do charity work and he says that it's a pointless waste of time. It's almost like everythintg I do or like, that doesn;t interest him, he has to make a condesending remark about it and/or me. He munipulates our conversations and confuses the hell out of me. I make a logical, rational argument and he twists words and makes me feel like I am wrong & overreacting when all is said & done. He tells me I have simplistic views & am naive, then in the next sentance tells me how he likes speaking with me since i have valid facts & points of view when we disagree. So I ask him why we even bother to speak since it seems everything I do he doesn't like or agree with...his response, "i dolike speaking with you since we are so different and you are intelligent, if you weren't, I wouldn't bother". It's almost like I'm talking to 2 different people at the same time!

I don't think I'm crazy and I do think that the things he says are rude, uncalled for, hurtful, and down right disrespectful. Even in friendships people forge a relationship off of trust & mutual respect. It seems that he doesn't have that for me or anyone hence why his old friends don't even speak with him anymore & he has no relationship with his family.

The question: Is this verbal/emotional abuse and should I close the door & not look back? Did I open pandoras box? Did the zebra not change his stripes? I would think after 3 yrs of no contact he still wouldn't be able to get under my skin as much as he still does.

Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 10:51pm

Welcome Feelinglooney :o)

Yes, it really sounds to me that you have been abused in the past from this man. I am positive that if you go back with this guy - history WILL repeat iteself!

DO NOT give him another chance. You will go down the exact road you have already been down with him. Yes, he will say he will change and he will give you many many more empty promises... that is what they are, empty. Things will never change with this man.

Of course he is saying he has changed.. he wants you under his control. He will tell you what you want to hear whether it be true or not. He hasn't changed. I can tell in the letters he has wrote you. He is nice one minute and bitching at you the next. Abusers are very up and down, nice and mean.. and he is still the same.

"the same old guy reared his ugly head. He tells me I act like a child when he doesn't get his way, accusses me of abandoning him when I don't want to see him for a night, and the name calling has resumed (which he tells me is a joke & to relax)"
****This is abuse! He is blaming you for all HIS problems. If he knows the name calling bugs you then why does he keep doing it? Because he doesn't respect you, just like all abuser. Abusers don't know what respect is.

"I wanted to leave his home afterwards so he got upset and tells me I always run."
***You know what, I always run too as my abuser would say. When I talked to him and we decided, or I decided I was going to move out, he compained and said I always run away from my problems. He tried to make me feel guilty. Why can't you stay and try and fix the problems.. you are always going to be running away from your problems. The trick here, they are trying to make us feel guilty for leaving and they want us to stay. But the other thing is, they are the problem!!! not us.

Yes you should close the door and NEVER look back. Lose his number, change your number, move so he doesn't know where you are. You need to be firm with him. Don't answer his calls.. just lose all contact with him. He will still try and grab at anything to get you under his control. That is all it is about.... power and control.

Post as much as you like to okay..
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 2:21pm

Hello,

I just wanted to add that you are young with a lifetime ahead of you.....you deserve better! Don't look back or you will just be wasting your time and asking for heartache! I am married to an abusive man and all the warning signs were there I just didn't believe enough in myself to get out. I am now married with 4 kids with some health issues, no extended family and feel stuck! Don't let this happen to you! You sound so promising, why let somebody bring you down. One of my favorite quotes is "when somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time". Please look ahead and that way you'll be able to be ready for the right person. One who will accept, respect and love you for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 5:07pm

It is definitely abuse.

Please get the book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and "The Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. Both books are excellent and will open your eyes and mind to how abusive men think, work and operate.

In the meantime, here are the warning signs based upon what you wrote about your BF:

1. fight over trivial things, most of the arguments (are) started by him.

2. He constantly called me names, discounted my feelings, and accused me of "dissapearing" when I would go out for a few hrs with friends or family.

3. He grew up in a verbally, emoitionally, & psychially abusive home.

4. I found myself losing all of my self confidence and allowing him to control my life. After feeling so low for so long, I left.

5. He would call or send me letters that were like Jekyll & Hyde...he tells me what a slut I am and how I'm too busy being a whore.

6. He tried to pushing buttons so respond & tell what a jerk .

7. He had a girlfriend, cheated on her with you, and then wanted to continue cheating as secret lovers. (Do you honestly want to be with a man who doesn't believe in and practice fidelity, esp. in this day and age of rampant HPV and HIV??. He cheated on her and he will certainly cheat on you.)

8. I also found a letter to her where he puts down & calls her names.. childish came up quite a few times). As he treated you, so he treated the woman after you. He is an Equal Opportunity Abuser, as are ALL abusers.

9. The past 4 weeks, the same old guy reared his ugly head. He tells me I act like a child when he doesn't get his way, accusses me of abandoning him when I don't want to see him for a night, and the name calling has resumed (which he tells me is a joke & to relax)...I get a text telling me he could never be with me, i'm acting childish, and like white trash.

10. I'm a psychology major and he tells me that only schmucks go for that type of degree (he's an engineer). I tell him I like one comedy show on MTV and his response, "only idiots watch mtv". I do charity work and he says that it's a pointless waste of time. It's almost like everythintg I do or like, that doesn;t interest him, he has to make a condesending remark about it and/or me.

11. He munipulates our conversations and confuses the hell out of me. I make a logical, rational argument and he twists words and makes me feel like I am wrong & overreacting when all is said & done. He tells me I have simplistic views & am naive, then in the next sentance tells me how he likes speaking with me since i have valid facts & points of view when we disagree. So I ask him why we even bother to speak since it seems everything I do he doesn't like or agree with...his response, "i dolike speaking with you since we are so different and you are intelligent, if you weren't, I wouldn't bother". It's almost like I'm talking to 2 different people at the same time!

12. I don't think I'm crazy and I do think that the things he says are rude, uncalled for, hurtful, and down right disrespectful.

13. Even in friendships people forge a relationship off of trust & mutual respect. It seems that he doesn't have that for me.

14. His old friends don't even speak with him anymore & he has no relationship with his family.

Hon, there are glaring red flags all over the place with this guy. End all contact with him and don't look back. If his own friends and family won't have anything to do with him, then neither should you.

If you're going to choose to be with anyone, make sure it's a guy who respects, loves and supports you -- one who will encourage you to go for your dreams, not give you crap so you'll forget about them.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 6:10pm

Thanks for the confirmation.
It's so strange that if I heard my story from someone elses mouth, I would not have second guessed if the situation was abusive or not. It's always harder to see the whole picture so clearly when your own heart is involved since most people have a tendency to think "my situation is different" when in reality, it's not. I will not make any excuses for him since I've done that before. Although his horrible upbringing was not by his choice, seeking the necessary psychological help to tackle his lingering feelings, bad attitudes, and "demons" is a choice he has and continues to not accept.

You hit the nail on the head with word "respect"...and the blantant fact that he does not have it for anyone plus the guilt trip card that he always insists on playing. When we first dated, I gave myself completly trying to "help him" trust someone & build a loving foundation but that never happened and lost myself along the way with my futile attempts. At least this time, it's a lot easier for me to just accept that he is the way he is and wish that one day he'll get the help he needs but i will be doing that from a far. It's just a little scary since he has been violent in the past (put his hands on me, gun to my head) and loves placing blame when things dont go right in his life. I just pray that one day he doesn't decide that I'm to blame for his abandoment and try anything since I do NOT want to wind up a statistic. I did get a restraining order years ago when he became violent but the courts "lost it" somehow and he never received it. (Great protection from the court system). Some how their apology didn't help me when he kept showing up at my door step years ago.

He has called & texted me about 15 times since I last posted with the same garbadge... wishing me a happy holidays then telling me how I'm such a child he's tired of my stupid sharades. According to him I'm overreacting to his name calling and I should know that he doesn't really think i'm white trash or childish... then he follows with "although sometimes you act like it". mind you this is all via voicemail/texts since I refuse to pick up or dignify any of his questions/statements.

I cannot change my #, it's my lifeline. I'm a Realtor and it's not easy to switch since I could lose potential business and past clients. I own my own home, so I can't simply pack up and move. So I can only hope that he ceases from attempting to contact me before I have to turn to the courts once again. When they lost the RO last time, I did tell him that I applied for one & he got irtate. He told me that he's not a monster and asked why I treated him like one. I just hope that it doesn't have to come down to that again since he does have a short fuse and almost every news story I read where a woman has an estranged ex abuser and is killed by them, they also had a RO. So I don;t know whether the RO actually helps protect the victim or or hurts by enraging their abuser to points of insanity.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 6:26pm

Thank you for your kind words & sharing your story with me.
I have accepted who he is & will no longer allow myself to continue down the dark path to his craziness & abuse. I am avoiding all contact in hopes that he finds something else to distract him to get his mind off of me. My biggest wish would not be for him to seek the necessary help (although it is a wish of mine) but that the next woman will see him for what he really is before she gets sucked in as i did years ago. It's easier this time since I had a nice long break and was able to date some really nice & genuine men after our last relationship. So seeing that he hasn't changed has made it crystal clear that I do not want to subject myself to this horrible relationship again. Although I feel that it's never too late to change yourself or your situation whether you're 20 or 80, I feel confident that I do have a lot of great things waiting to happen in life for me . He's 37 and feels the time is ticking... always mentions how he thinks he'll die by 40 (not suicidal) but I'm 27, and am not in a rush to find Mr. Right, just keep working on improving myself, others, & keeping with company of loved family & friends.

Can I ask why you made your decision to marry your abuser when you knew what he was like? When you said "believe in yourself" did you mean you had low self esteem and if so, did he contribute to that before you got married? I know what it's like to feel alone sometimes but not actually be alone with no support system. I do have a few friends whom have no family in their lives and am currently volunteering in a program where people are homeless, with kids, and have no family to turn to so I can understand what you're talking about.

Are you simply resigned to the fact that you'll never leave? Do you not think you deserve better for yourself & your kids?

I'm sorry to ask so many questions but I'd really like to know how you can offer such kind words to a stranger but in the same tolken almost sound like they've given up on hope for themselves.

Thanks for listening & I hope that your days keep getting better & better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 6:38pm

Thank you for the post. After taking some time to do some soul searching and sort out my thoughts, I've decided to cut any contact with him. The "red flags" are clearly present and I am not going to ignore them any longer. I've come to the conclusion that he will not change because he doesn't want to and regardless of how many wishes/prayers I make or pennies heads up I find, I cannot change that. That is something only he can do but it won't happen since he doesn't feel there's anything that he could work on, improve, or needs to change. So basically I've probaby got a quadrillionth better chance of winning the powerball before he recognizes & admits to his problems.

The other poster mentioned respect too and that's the only thing I feel will keep women like me away from guys like that.. respect for ourselves. If they don't have it, we certainly must in order to avoid situations/relationships like this.

"one who will encourage you to go for your dreams, not give you crap so you'll forget about them" That was beautifully written... and made me think about all the times I was forced to forego things for myself the 1st go around with him (college degree just to name one) because he would pick a fight and kick me out of the house or not allow me to sleep when I had a test or homework to do. Currently, his total disregard for my choice of studies (a few credits away from my degree now) and constant put downs and demands are not something I want to endure any longer.

Thanks again for posting & listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 11:24pm

I totally hear you... when you are in the middle of the abuse, ou don't realy notice how bad it is. I noticed how controlling my abuser was, after I got out and was on my own. It was crazy!

You know what, I think he might blame you for the abandonment down the road. Abusers are all about blame someone else. They never take responsibility. As long as you stay away from him, it will be okay. I heard horror stories about my abuser ex-girlfriend, but after I left, I could see right thru him. I feel that she was exactly like me and there was nothing wrong with her. He twisted everything around to blame her. It was never his fault. I will be that ex-girlfriend now. I am so positive that I will be the bitch that ruined his life and all that jazz! I don't really care. I know the true story and I feel bad for the next girl that gets involved with him.

Have you thought about getting an RO against him this time around? I wonder how it got *lost* last time!!?? I understand what you mean about getting one and the abuser becoming an even bigger monster. But if he doesn't leave you alone, I don't know what else to do.

Just try and ignore all of his calls, e-mails, texts... if you can delete them before you read them... and don't answer them either. That is what abusers feed off of.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 11:29pm

I know this is sooo off topic, but I had to respond to:

"regardless of how many wishes/prayers I make or pennies heads up I find,"

Nobody I know, knows about the penny side up rule!! I never pick up pennies if the tail side is up... it has to be heads!

Lauren

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